Tuesday, June 17, 2014

On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To Be

Honestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.

The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.

First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.

So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.

I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.

This all makes me feel like a... player?

I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.

This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?

But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?

These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.

I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.

I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.

I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.

~ Single Me


  1. I totally agree with you about the waiting thing. You're right, many articles do suggest playing the waiting game and God will bring you his perfect match (especially for women) but, quite honestly, I think that is bad advice. We DO have to pursue things to make them happen. That's life. Like you said, your job didn't just come from waiting around and praying (although of course we should pray about things). I think it's great that you're in a place where you're ready to actively pursue a relationship. There's nothing wrong with searching for what you want - it doesn't mean you don't trust God. It just means you're cooperating with him :)

    1. You are right, but its so odd because sometimes I have to distinguish between my pursuit of a relationship and make sure it isn't above my pursuit of God and Jesus Christ. I know I have come close to making dating an idol. Not to mention, online dating really makes you devalue the individual more when you keep thinking about the masses of possibilities out there. Thanks for reading and commenting Summer!

      ~ Daniel B.