Saturday, August 29, 2015

Goodbye Dating, You were a Terrible Ride

Written 08/28/2015

The last few months have been treacherous, difficult, hard, and filled with sadness for me, my soul has gone in a tail-spin, the more I have pursued dating the more terrible I have felt, the more I opened myself up to others the more I have despised and grown weary of every rejection, every smug face or pitiful look, every unanswered message of interest in dating or even interest in friendship that was never reciprocated.

Finally, after two years of trying I've decided I am done with dating. No, this is not a blog about how courtship is better. I don't know if our culture can do better, because there are so many rules and poor communication that I don't think we can do dating or courtship in a way that glorifies God, at least not unless both are willing to go the extra mile, be truthful, vulnerable, and honest.

It is just too much, I just cannot do it anymore. Much like when I pursued Youth Ministry for a while and door after door closed, so has this happened in dating; whether online or off, every single advancement, every risk, every emotional step has been filled with rejection, with no real reciprocation.

Sadly, even those women I thought I could be friends with, or wanted to be friends with and see if there was more there, nothing ever happened. This isn't to say I didn't reject anyone. I can think of one right out and another that was mutual, which means in-person I've been rejected in some form about eighteen to twenty times.

At the beginning of the month I was about to get another six-months free on and renew my subscription for ChristianMingle. I cancelled both subscriptions. Just the thought of sending another message, trying to personalize it to "her", trying to sound interesting, hoping that the other person there might see me, the real me, and respond. I just couldn't anymore.

Then a week ago I finally told God I was done, for the next three years I am putting all my effort into paying off my loans and getting to know God. I am even going to stop trying as much to make friends. I will still develop the friendships I have and make ones if they come along - but I just don't have the time or emotional energy to do all this pursuing.

Maybe just maybe, it is time for me to be pursued. Shouldn't other people have to make an effort, any effort to get to know me, friendship or dating.

So, as of this week until October 2018, my 36th Birthday, I am done dating. If God wants to throw someone in my face that may change but I am going to pursue Christ. If I date, I want to remember her name. If I date, I want to be friends. Ideally, I'd like to be friends if it doesn't work out but I've been told that by way to many females in the past. If any female tells me they want to be friends from now on, I am putting the ball in their court. I will let them know they have to make an effort or "they" are choosing to end the friendship.

Do you know, in my opinion, the problem with men and women, guys and girls being friends has nothing to do with attraction (I've been attracted to many friends who are female) and everything to do with reciprocation, and in ones ability to work through any possible awkwardness (and boundary setting) to continue to get to know this great person, instead of nicely (passively) dumping them on the side of your life-road.

I am worth more. Men are worth more. We will pursue you but women have got to put in some effort, some reciprocation.

I just cant anymore and I pray to God that he imbue me with his love and perseverance, that if I am to be single for the rest of my life that he would finally at some point bring me to complete contentment with this, that if I meet someone or not, I will be fine. I pray that God will heal my loneliness, that the bitterness I have felt towards God at times for leaving me alone (while all my friends and family get married and have children) will leave my wounded heart. I pray one day I will be able to see pictures of new relationships, engagements, weddings, and kids without feeling a deep sadness and grief, grief over what I have not had and may never have. Last week I was at a Wendy's and saw a young couple with their little daughter and son. I was two seconds from losing it.

But I am now giving these feelings up to God. So, readers, this is what happens to some at the end of their pursuits - real life - real hurt - hurt that may be healed, hurt that may one day find someone and may not - but sometimes you have to let go, to finally release that control, to refocus, to give up, to focus on other things in life, in areas and places where God has been and is already blessing you.

I am done with dating but I will forever pursue Christ, I will extend and show God's love to others, I will make myself available to the Speaking and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, and what happens will happen.

~ Single Me


  1. I agree with your stance on this although it saddens me to hear. You are not stopping looking, simply stopping pursuit. And I can respect that. I can fully admit that I am uninterested in dating, more focused on myself and my own growth at the moment. It feels good to do it and I'm not sorry where I am. I hope you find peace in your endeavor.