Sunday, October 14, 2012

Turning 30

I have been wanting and trying to write this post for a week. What I felt last weekend when my birthday arrived is hard to explain. Or maybe you might already understand what it means to turn 30, but to turn 30 and still be single is just such an issue (I had no family or friends to do anything for my birthday in-person). Turning 30 really kind of hit me in the face. I knew it was coming and I felt its weight as it got closer. I am three decades old. What have I accomplished? I have no spouse, no kids, no family, no home, no steady job, and no close friends where I live.

I know… I know... I need to keep positive and seek out relationships and friendships. I do try and things are better than they were a year ago. I am more confident in my current residency and I am working out now four days a week for one hour each session. I am feeling so much better and sleeping better. My back is hurting far less than before. I recently joined the choir which has been great because I am meeting new people and doing something I enjoy.

Still, despite all of this, I know my current job is temporary. I am not the person I was before this job, but I was also not the same person after graduate school or college. I guess I have never interviewed well or dated well. I suppose that is part of my introverted nature. I am good with people and things I know, but that beginning stage is very hard for me. I have been told when I do interviews I should tell them upfront I am an introvert and do not interview well. Not so sure how good that will work out for future employment opportunities or relationships.

I was reading a book for my hospital residency program that was speaking about elderly parents and how they depend on their children to take care of them. Then it hit me. If I stay single and do not have kids, who will take care of me? I admit. I was afraid. Fear struck me in that moment. My parents will likely be dead by then... and who will be by my side to comfort me then? I live by myself. Will friends come to my apartment to comfort me? If so, how long?

It just stinks to think about all the things I have gone through and struggled alone. It should make me feel like I can do anything, but it makes me feel more helpless and alone. I try my best to connect, and every so often I do meet a true and good friend, but then it seems like I have to move and leave that person.... I have to hope and pray I find someone else, that Gods puts someone else in my life so I can stay sane.

Sometimes I write because I feel I have no avenue for my emotions. I have no girlfriend or spouse to share my deepest thoughts toward or my poetic and romantic side. But I also only have one friend who is a guy who I could share deep things with right now. Sadly, that friend lives three hours away. We talk and visit when I have time, but with my schedule and with my finances, I can’t talk to or go see him as often as I would like sometimes.

It is just hard. I don’t know whether to cry and let tears flow or to get angry and beat something, punch my fist into the wall. But no amount of crying nor anger will change my situation. I try my best to stay sane, realistic, and maybe even positive; but every now and then, like last week, all these thoughts come swirling around in my head. Those thoughts I am so good at distracting myself from come at me full force and beat me down, bury me underneath my doubts and fears.

My one consolation in all of this right now is that Christ is with me, suffering as I suffer, mourning as I mourn, and being joyful when I am joyful. Christ is with me in heart and presence. He knows me better than anyone and he never has left me, though I admit I do not always feel his presence of hand in my life. My hope is in his good future and that when I turn 31, I will at least have a good and steady job. I just don’t know if I can take another few years of working retail or having to move back home. I love my family, but moving back home would be like admitting I am a failure, I was defeated, that all the work I put into everything was for no reason. All will have seemed to be in vain. Truly, that would bring me into a long depression. ARG! I guess I need to be more positive. I know I am blessed in so many ways. I know I am a great person of much worth. I just don’t know how to convince others of this fact. How do I sell myself to employers or to potential mates or even friends? I just don’t know. It is just tough.

~ Daniel

p.s. - I didn't even speak about the weight I feel as a male to have money, so I can be stable and to provide for a wife or kids, thus making me feel that dating is not good for me and/or I would be rejected for my current financial situation. In college it seemed like no one really cared, but after about 25, it seems that a man's worth (at least in dating) is bound up in $$$, which is funny (in a sad way), because as a minister I will never make that much even when I do have a stable job.