Friday, May 29, 2009


Memories seem so dim, to far from the present... and as the future proceeds, as is seems to overtake us, the past is ever mixed with the present, leaving behind who we were and being replaced by who we are now and who we will eventually become.

However, the past does not leave us completely, it never goes away but stays ever with us, it is ever-present in our decision and in our person, in our character and in our ethics and moralities, our choices and beliefs. Because of this the past is with us in our every present and our past is therefore linked with us into our future, once something happens, once we are changed, once we leave this second and go into the next we are forever changed and forever changing.

This past year has affected me, effected me greatly, not just because I moved out on my own completely but because I came the closest I have ever come to having a relationship, and that potential for whatever reason fueled something, it triggered something within me I have kept dormant. What is that? Well, the desire to find someone, someday and wife and then a family. Yes, yes, certainly us single people, especially guys are supposed to keep silent about such things. Why? Well, because if it is God's will for us to be married it will all happen in due time and if not, then we are supposed to be content in our singleness...

That kind of thinking is just a sham, would we tell a married couple to stop desiring to have a child. No, we would pray with them that God would fulfill and provide for such a desire, that they would be made ready for that time. In effect, we would be with them in their struggle. What no one really thinks about is that there are more singles out there than ever before... and what no one thinks or discusses is that many of them are left alone. Sure they have friends and family but our society teaches us that we are supposed to be independent, move out on our own. So we move from our families to college or away for a job but even that is temporary. Where do we go after that? If we are single do we go home? Do we stay with other friends or do we stay by ourselves because things seem to be always changing in our twenties?

To be smart most of us choose to live alone, maybe some with others, but it is only time before a job happens or a friend gets married. It seems inevitable that the single person’s best choice is to live alone if not married. It is not because we do not wish to be tied down but because if we go back to live with family, except under extreme circumstances, it means we failed somehow and if we live with friends, it may be only a short while before us or them move on for some reason, having to reorganize, re-shift and move again. Without family there is no home, no settling, no constant in our lives. This has annoyed me but has been something I have come to accept as the role I fit in, the role I play, the game of chess in which I find myself when I wasn’t initially aware I was playing.

I don’t know what I am trying to say... Sometimes it seems like we have control over our lives while other times it seems like we are products of our environment in many ways. Sometimes I try not to concern myself with the rules placed on me, try to play outside the game board only to be put in my place once again. I want to dream. I want to dream big. I was to trust God can do extreme and amazing things in this plain world, that there is supernatural in this natural world. I want to believe that these current burdens will one day be lifted, that confusion will give way to clarity, despair and uncertainly replaced by love and possibilities.

Most of all I want to be changed by Christ, to be transformed and hope I can help others to do the same. I want to believe in the impossible, that Christ can change me, change you, change us; that he can and does still heal, that he does inject pure joy into our lives if we let him, that he hears our prayers and miracles still are produced in our present and not just in our past through stories in scripture. I want to believe and others to believe with me, to pray and have others pray with me, to change and have others changed.

~ Daniel


Monday, May 18, 2009

Falling Behind Expectations?

The last few months have been so crazy for me and at times I have come to see that I cannot help to feel that I have fallen behind in life, that I am a bit slow at networking, at getting myself out there and going from that transition between boy to young man to man.. And a godly man at that.

It is hard some times when I think that I am twenty-six now and have seven years of higher education and am working a labor job at a department store, opening boxes off the truck, and then helping tag and put out shoes and women’s dresses. Part of me sometimes feels like a failure to my calling and other times I feel I am doing my best. I try to be open to different possibilities a lot more than I use to - and I have to be honest that it hurts and pains me to know I will likely be passed up for a youth ministry positions because I am single...

And that then brings up another thing I feel like I am behind at. *sigh* It seems like the last set of singles are coupling up and my few attempts at this in the past seem laughable or maybe it is sad. I try to put myself out there but be reasonable about it. However, if this last year has taught me one thing it is to take things slow, try to decipher how interested any person is in you, and take things slow. The world tells me to take things fast... that a female knows within the first five minutes if she likes you that way - well, I have never known if I am interested in any female in five minutes, sure maybe I think they are attractive but I just cannot judge a person based solely on their outer shell. Compatibility for something like life should have a lot more heart, thought, and time than that.

I have also learned that it is difficult for me not to get too close too fast to those I am interested in, and that in all instances in life I usually tend to question and pull back but in a relationship with the potential of romance, I put myself out there... and I have also learned that either I have had hidden passions I never knew about or it has been growing this last year. I mean, before this year I never really blogged a lot about relationships or wrote romatic-ish poetry online (or ever) (and within the last two years my writing has boiled to the surface as another obvious passion in and of itself). I think it is something that has been under the surface but I never got a chance to let it out and so now I find myself letting it out despite the fact I have found no one and maybe in hoping and praying I will some day, sooner than later; however, life never goes how we plan and I suppose whoever she is, the wait will be well worth it.

Still, I sit here at twenty-six working a job I could have done before college and wonder how I am in this place, this place where my life - being single - is basically hindering me from my calling. By no means should I or anyone else get married just to grow their status and job opportunities but it is a reality that most churches want a minister with a family (and sometimes a wife that plays the piano as well). Honestly, I do not know what God is doing with my life and I pray for the strength and perseverance to continue even though my future seems vague.

I do not know why I am typing this, why I am sharing this. I suppose to some this may make me seem weak because I am admitting these insecurities, these things that do not exude the image of a strong man, a man who can take on the world. To that image I say “screw you”, because we all have our problems, we all have our temptations and trails, and the only strength I gain is from Christ. Any boldness or expansion of me and my talents have come from Christ and his influence in my life. I now understand what Paul means when he says he has no right to boast but in Jesus Christ. I feel the same way. I may not be the most dramatic or engaging personality, especially to those who do not know me well - but if I am a light, if I am some or any witness to this world of Christ and the gospel message than I have done right, then I have done good.

I keep thinking about life as a journey and how the best stories are the ones that are epic, they are the ones whose plot is thick and deep, who have rich characters, the ones who grow over time, faults and victories and all. This is how I see my life, how I want to see my life… as an epic journey of myself and my faith. I have no idea how it will end but am hopeful that afterward people will be affected, that my life will show Christ, and in the end God will say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."

~ Daniel