Monday, May 7, 2012

How Did I Get Here?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. How did I get to the age of 29, still single, not even dating? I know I missed a lot of opportunities in college, though I really didn’t have the money then and lacked the mobility (a.k.a. A Car). I feel like college would have been, and still is for those younger than me, the best time to date other people. Why? Well, they are in your classes, your cafeteria, your clubs, and organizations; not to mention the network of friends, who know other friends, gets to be pretty rich to meet new people. But in college, I still wasn’t really emotionally ready. I did like one girl, but she didn’t feel the same. Then, she wanted to be friends on her terms, never returning my calls but then getting frustrated when I didn’t return an Instant Message at 2AM cause I was tired and going to sleep. I guess I just have a hard time getting over rejection, seems like it takes me like two or three years to get over someone if I really liked them and invested time in them, invested myself in them, even if we were not dating.

As a matter of fact, I didn’t go on my first date until graduate school. I took her out for Chinese and to see The Hulk (the one with Edward Norton, eh... it was OK). I had a feeling she wasn’t into me, but then she would open up to me and we would talk for hours. I guess I was confused but also too infatuated to be reasonable. I had this gut feeling she was using me emotionally, because I was a good guy and a listener, but when it came down to it she wanted nothing more; so she cut ties. She also said she wanted to be friends, and of course, my attempts came back void, were all in vain. I hated that I liked her so much, and maybe that is why she never responded, but it is hard investing so much into another person, than having all of that totally blocked off, especially when you are an introvert.

Lately, I suppose I have been feeling lonely once again. I miss my family and my friends. I do like my job here, but starting over in a new place from scratch is tough, and I really enjoy deep friendships, but getting there is hard work, and you really have to sometimes try to invest yourself in many places before you find friendships that really work and are reciprocal. Of course, part of me also would like to think about dating and being in a relationship. I mean, my older brother is engaged and getting married in a few months, so that makes me happy for him but sad for myself in some ways. I know so many are happy for him; yet I feel certain questions and expectations from those same people, asking me: When are you going to get married? Why aren’t you dating anyone?

Honestly, I do think about it, but the program I am in right now is only temporary, so I will have to be moving who knows where for a job in about another year or so. Plus, I can barely afford to live for myself, with student loans, bills, and this next month I will start trying to save money for my move to wherever next year. I trust in all of this God knows what he is doing. I have to trust I know what I am doing somewhat as well. It is just hard sometimes, because when you are single and living alone, you feel you live for yourself, which sometimes makes you feel selfish; but it isn’t, because it isn’t even by choice but by necessity.

I miss having roommates, miss having someone to come home too like I did in college. I miss sharing life with someone in the day to day that isn’t my face in the mirror. I feel in many ways the new job market is bad because people my age have to constantly move from friends and family, so while they are advancing their career, there is a part of them that is left behind, all those invested relationships. Sure we have Facebook and texting, maybe even a phone call, but it isn’t the same as face to face contact. It isn’t the same as sitting down at a coffee shop with friends you have known or going out to eat with your family. It is just different and it is something that is missed. I long for that kind of community again.

Then again, the past is not the present, nor the future; perhaps something better is coming along for me. I just wish it would get here. It is tough trying to hold on, hoping something better will come, and that the next place will be a place I can stay for a long while. I can invest without feeling I will have to just leave again in a few years. I know God has some plan. I want to be involved in that plan. But I also desire a tight-knit community to be apart of, one that won’t evaporate on me. A community that I can invest in and will invest in me for the long haul. I want a place where I am able to be myself, as corny or serious as I may be. I pray that God keep me calm; that my worries, anxieties, and frustrations wouldn’t own or depress me, but that I would continue to seek wisdom, love, and community... and of course, that Christ always remain the core and focus of my vision for my life not matter how I feel. And that Christ love may rest on me, give me peace, and continue to be a beautiful song in my life and my soul.

~ Daniel