Friday, December 16, 2011

Single Me

Sometimes I don't know what to do with these feelings I have inside, for companionship, for that connection with another human being. I think a lot of times I am pretty good at welling it up inside, at hiding it, at disguising it. At ignoring it I suppose. But I cannot help the inescapable fact that in due time I see another, hear another, another one who is a potential, another one I might like in that way.

I hate that the first thing I do is ask myself: Do I want to go thorough this again? Do I want to pursue this again? I wish my memories of the past were good and encouraging but they are the opposite. All of my maybes have always turned sour, gone bad, turned out to be duds. Still I want to believe. Still I choose to move forward. But all of those feelings of wants and dreams are met by all those feelings of fear and of doubt.

Which one should I believe? Who should I trust? Where does my hope lie? I know who I am inside and I believe myself to be a very good person, who would make a good boyfriend, fiancee, husband, and dad someday. But all of these thoughts and all of these desires... I have to push, have to shove down deep, way down. I feel if I didn't it could be hard sometimes to move on being single, being alone. I enjoy my friends but always desire something more, someone more.

My instinct now is to run, to hide, but life doesn't let us go backwards and sometime for our growth it is better we move forward, through the muck and through the awkwardness. By doing such things we learn, we are stretched, we are more wise in the risks we do take in the future. Still, my heart is hurting, from the reverberations of my past, affecting my present, and sometimes possibly making my future in this realm very foggy and confusing.

I dont know what to do with these feelings. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell. I want to keep silent. I want to be angry. I want to be crass. But more than anything I want to love, to be able to express myself in that way.

All it takes is the possibility, the thought, and it all floods back into my system, those feelings boil to the brim and gush over my soul. All it takes is the possibility to bring all those old memories, good and bad, all back to the front of my mind, all those things I hid down deep. All those things I have to deal with once again. I don't know whether to question my feeling or my thoughts anymore, they are all so mixed and muddled together.

I pray God's grace on me. I pray I am not left here, left here forever in this tossing sea of confusion. I pray someday, something will be different. I pray. I pray. And I hope. I hope for a good future, a better future. One were a possibility becomes reality. Where dream becomes life. When I finally find the risk was so worth taking.

~ Daniel

Friday, January 7, 2011

Living Life

Most of the time I feel alone.

I know have friends, who I appreciate...
and I know I have family, who I could call.
But day after day, night after night I do everything by myself,
I do everything alone - and sometimes the silence and emptiness gets to be a lot.

Most of the time I try my best to distract myself from this emptiness, I watch movies or get online; however, at the end of every activity I stop, I pause, and I hear it - utter silence. Now, being more introverted I appreciate silence but ongoing absence of sound begins to eat at you after some time.

I don't think other people understand, who date person after person, are in relationships, or who are married. Maybe they do understand and are eternally thankful to God they do not have to live in that silence anymore, in that time between your family of origin and the family you make with a special someone else. I find myself between my home of birth and my home with a family, and oftentimes I pray to God out of this time and wonder:  When? How? Who?

The questions echo back and forth in my mind and can become quite a burden and added worry if I am not careful. Living in that time between being told God will provide and God actually providing is always hard; however, it is tough to face these questions by ones self.

I think one of the things I miss the most, is one of the purist forms of affections and love I know - a hug. I know it sounds funny, how hard can it be to get a hug? Well, one of the things I loved about this Christmas was greeting my family and giving/getting hugs, an expression of care and love you do not always receive easily away from family.

Being single is hard, whether you are a single parent, divorced, separated, or just perpetually single like myself. Times and rules change, there is such a variety of people with different personalities, and the dating game is so complex it is enough to drive one completely mad. I suppose I feel inadequate to pursue dating because I lack the 'experience' so many others have, yet I find myself having an inner romantic I would so much enjoy the chance to express to someone worthy of my affections. I also feel like my situation in life financially is unstable, but it happened to me by following God's call and things not panning out the way I thought it was going to work out. Does this mean I am less worthy of affection, of a relationship? Is it supposed to be about money or partnership? I don't know, it is just hard sometimes... and expressing all these worries, doubts, and feelings makes me feel needy and annoying and depressed and alone.

I am sure God has a plan
and I know I am supposed to write something inspirational here...
I have nothing.

~ Daniel