Friday, December 16, 2011

Single Me

Sometimes I don't know what to do with these feelings I have inside, for companionship, for that connection with another human being. I think a lot of times I am pretty good at welling it up inside, at hiding it, at disguising it. At ignoring it I suppose. But I cannot help the inescapable fact that in due time I see another, hear another, another one who is a potential, another one I might like in that way.

I hate that the first thing I do is ask myself: Do I want to go thorough this again? Do I want to pursue this again? I wish my memories of the past were good and encouraging but they are the opposite. All of my maybes have always turned sour, gone bad, turned out to be duds. Still I want to believe. Still I choose to move forward. But all of those feelings of wants and dreams are met by all those feelings of fear and of doubt.

Which one should I believe? Who should I trust? Where does my hope lie? I know who I am inside and I believe myself to be a very good person, who would make a good boyfriend, fiancee, husband, and dad someday. But all of these thoughts and all of these desires... I have to push, have to shove down deep, way down. I feel if I didn't it could be hard sometimes to move on being single, being alone. I enjoy my friends but always desire something more, someone more.

My instinct now is to run, to hide, but life doesn't let us go backwards and sometime for our growth it is better we move forward, through the muck and through the awkwardness. By doing such things we learn, we are stretched, we are more wise in the risks we do take in the future. Still, my heart is hurting, from the reverberations of my past, affecting my present, and sometimes possibly making my future in this realm very foggy and confusing.

I dont know what to do with these feelings. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell. I want to keep silent. I want to be angry. I want to be crass. But more than anything I want to love, to be able to express myself in that way.

All it takes is the possibility, the thought, and it all floods back into my system, those feelings boil to the brim and gush over my soul. All it takes is the possibility to bring all those old memories, good and bad, all back to the front of my mind, all those things I hid down deep. All those things I have to deal with once again. I don't know whether to question my feeling or my thoughts anymore, they are all so mixed and muddled together.

I pray God's grace on me. I pray I am not left here, left here forever in this tossing sea of confusion. I pray someday, something will be different. I pray. I pray. And I hope. I hope for a good future, a better future. One were a possibility becomes reality. Where dream becomes life. When I finally find the risk was so worth taking.

~ Daniel

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