The last few months have been very confusing for me. Before "Leslie" left for college she kept putting off seeing a movie with me.. maybe next week she kept saying. Then I said I thought it would be better if we did not hang out one-on-one since she had a boyfriend. I tried to message her a few times that month and she just kept saying she was busy.
So, I met up with her when I went to go do an orientation for my second job in another city. She was supposed to get a group together, which happened to be one other person who ended up leaving before I got there, so I said we could go ahead and meet since I was already in town. We had a good time, at least I enjoyed spending a little while talking to her. We did hug as I left.
A few weeks later I got her address to sent her some of my books to borrow, related to something we had talked about when I talked with her. Shortly after I suggested we try to catch-up on Skype or through a phone call. She seemed genuinely interested and told me she made time on her calender. Since our schedules had both been so crazy I was excited to get to speak to her in person, because I tire of the internet, even if I do like to write... being away from friends and family so much makes you crave real interactions with peoples tone, humor, body language, and actually seeing their face.
So the day came and I was ready to get on Skype in an hour to chat with her when I see a new message. I just knew this was bad. I think I almost knew this was coming. She was going to cancel on me. Sure enough, my fears were true. She and her boyfriend had a talk (in the three hours since we had confirmed meeting that night on Skype) about hanging out and talking to someone of the opposite sex on the phone or on Skype.
Stab!
I replied that I understood but I was sad, though I couldn't truly admit why I was hurt. My brain told me I was stupid, because she has a boyfriend, what are you doing? I told my brain I was trying to be friends, at least, try to continue to connect with her, even if I cannot tell her how I feel right now, especially now with this. My feelings told me to feel horrible, that it was ok, that my brain was stupid and over thinks everything anyways, sometimes it is ok to follow your heart, to try to connect with someone, and when that connection is blocked, it is ok to be sad and grieve a little.
So, We can still do group things, only with our schedules and her being out of town... I'm just not sure how much that will really work. I try to remind myself that friendships take months and years to form, and relationships that potentially grow out of a friendship take time as well. Still, I keep finding myself asking God: Why am I in this situation? Why did I meet this women? Why did I meet her now when she has a boyfriend and not at some other time? I mean, it would have been much more convenient otherwise, right? But that is simply not how real life works.
So, this is where I find myself. I included her in a message with friends for some group stuff I'm trying to plan, though I don't know if any of it will work out or if she will even be free. Frankly, I don't know what I am doing or why I care to try so much here. I guess when you feel you connect with someone, that urge can be very strong and since I don't find myself connecting with a lot of people where I live, I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I think she is worth the effort, even if it is only friendship... but I question how much effort and when does it make sense to stop.
I pray God guide me and direct me here. I've always felt a disconnect between God and my dating life. I am sure he is there and is involved, I'm just not always sure exactly how. But still, I press forward. I'm not saying I am not looking to make other friends or wouldn't be open to meeting or dating anyone else if that happened, but if the last year has taught me something, it is that finding, making, and keeping friends in this new place is going to be very difficult. People have other friends and routines, so new people mostly have to be invited into this system, trying to create one of your own from the random people you meet and know seems almost impossible here.
And so my story keep unfolding,
Though I am not ever quite sure exactly where it is going.
~ Single Me
