Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Blog About Anxiety

I remember when I was a kid, not a care in the world. I remember going day by day, those days seemed to last forever. I felt happy. I had little worry; at least that is how it all seems in retrospect. I remember sometimes I wanted to grow up, figuring I would really enjoy being able to make all my own decisions. The truth is my lack of decision-making, while annoying at times, was what protecting me from the outside. So long as I was a child or teen, I was still protected from the larger world of the adult. Making no money, I had things provided and paid no bills. Having no car, I never had to worry about getting lost or getting in an accident.

The odd thing is I never thought I really had anxiety, yet as I have grown older I've had to fight against it as the year’s have progressed. Yes, I have learned to see the signs, to be aware, and work on fighting it; however, it is something that comes up, a feeling inside, intense and sudden, of a fear or worry, even if it is unfounded or unreasonable.

I have anxiety over driving, especially anywhere that is different or new. I have anxiety in a large crowd of people. I have anxiety that I will get into an accident or that someone will judge me based on something I say or that is taken in the wrong way. I am afraid of getting fired from my job, perhaps for doing something I didn’t even know or understand. I get anxious checking my mail, that I might get jury duty before my job benefits start. I get anxious that I will get something in the mail saying I owe more money, maybe my electric bill went up or my student loans decide to start charging me obscene amounts that I cannot afford.

I get anxious and worried that I will never find anyone to date or marry... and that because of this I will never be a father... Ever. I get anxious about being so far from family and friends, so the last few months I have tried not to think about the actual distance. I sometimes get anxious about my weight, though I am losing, sometimes I feel I am putting in so much effort and seeing very little or no results... and this anxiety makes me just want to forget being healthy and just eat horribly (Thank goodness I give in much less to that voice than I did a while back).

I get anxious that all my friends from the past will forget me or be bored with me. I get anxious because I want to talk to everyone, but talking takes energy because I talk all day to others at my job, so after work I really do not want to talk to anyone at all. I get anxious calling and talking to new people on the phone. I get anxious the first few times I try to initiate a friendship, and extremely nervous if I want to pursue someone in a relationship.

All of these things whirl around in my head... not all the time, but at times throughout the day or the week. I am pretty good at keeping it hidden, because anxiety, worry, and fear mean weakness... and when you are a male living on your own, weakness is not attractive, not to potential friends, mates, or anyone else. I have to shape up. Welcome to real world. The real world is tough. There is no crying in baseball and all that jazz

"A League of Their Own" movie reference anyone?

Sometimes I just want to get away from it all, to go somewhere quiet, where the noise goes down or is calm, where the birds sing sweetly, the trees rustle, and a stream of water is going in the distance. When my anxiety comes I think of that place, so much peace, I breathe in and out, remind myself that all these things I am doing are moving me forward as a person, making me better, stronger, and ultimately are helping me fulfill my purpose in glorifying God with my life. Those thoughts give me peace, give me rest, help me to relax and continue to persevere and push forward.

What anxieties/worries/fears have you had in the past?
Which ones do you have today?

What are ways you cope?
What things bring you peace, rest, or hope?

~ Single Me


  1. I have them all, plus others that I invent daily.
    I try to write them out so I can view them objectively and see how valid they are. Sometimes that helps, along with focusing elsewhere, but it's a never-ending battle.

    1. Yes, it is a never-ending battle. I think everyone has different battles, from things that cause us fear, worry, or anxiety to things we struggle against again and again not to do, but seem to do anyway. As a Christians, I call this sin, but this not only separates us from God but from others and from our better self.

      Writing helps me as well, I just dont like writing about my fears, because like I said, I dont want others to think I am weak... not that I want them to think I am perfect either. But sometimes I think people dont write or talk about them because it is a way to ignore or hide from those feelings.

      ~ Single Me

  2. Lord.

    All of paragraph 5, and everything in paragraph 3 except the part about the driving are part of my life. Someone knocks at the door, and I'm worried it's someone mad at me, or arresting me for some crime I didn't know I committed. Unexpected things in the mail I'm afraid to open. Every meeting I have with my boss must be about something I did wrong, and am getting fired.

    I wish I could get rid of both of our anxieties.

    1. I am always confused when I get a knock at my door, not so much fearful, but either no one here known where I live or people dont visit me that much, cause usually I plan to do things with people. As far as the meeting with the boss, yes... I always get anxious when the boss wants to meet with me alone, feeling I have done something wrong. Of course, I keep that under the surface... but anytime I hear "Can we talk?" or "We need to talk." My anxiety does go up until I actually know what they are going to say.

      ~ Single Me