Sunday, September 8, 2013

Dating Series 1 of 6: Meeting Joy

Over the last few years as I have written on this blog, I have opened up and been vulnerable about parts of myself that I had kept hidden for so long. Before that time, I did want to write about being single for a while but I felt like my thoughts, complaints, and struggles were less important than everyone else (Everyone being those married and who have children). Everyone always seemed to think being single was great, that I was single by choice, and those who have known me well have never really understood how I am still single. In fact, when I meet people in person, sometimes they are surprised to find out I am single. They say I seem too mature and responsible to be single. Is that a compliment or critique? I don’t really know.

One thing I have not yet expressed, beneath all of my more general thoughts are the dating stories of how I got to where I find myself currently. How am I single and thirty? Well, to really understand one would have to start off at the beginning, right?

So, think of all those flashback images on TV shows and I will take you back to my beginning and then we will progress through a series of blog entries coming out through the next month.

Note: Names have been changed.

Joy was the first female I ever liked or felt the least bit of interest in when I was younger. I was in sixth grade when I met Joy and hadn’t really found any girls attractive, well… since my crush in second grade. However, with her there was something deeper than just thinking she looked good, that I was physically attracted to her. I saw plenty of attractive girls while I was at school. There was something about Joy that made me feel different.

I first met Joy while we were in the same sixth grade Sunday School class. She had blonde hair and a gorgeous smile. My dad played the piano and my mother worked in the nursery, so on Sundays we would sit together in one of the front pews of the church and talk. We were truly friends and I never really thought of the potential for anything more at the time. Honestly, I just liked being around her.

Slowly into our seventh and eight grade year Joy began to come to church less and less. I missed her when she was gone. I would sometimes call her on the phone. I always was anxious because one of her parents would pick up the phone first (ha!). Slowly, Joy stopped coming to church. She was once so full of the joy of God, but over time that joy seemed to fade. She started going out with guys in high school while she was in middle school. Later, when we were in high school, she was on the school dance team. She became popular and I... was a nerd who sung in the choir (gotta love being in the choir).

I connected with Joy again years later through Facebook. We are friends. We don’t chat much really... but I am happy to say in the last few years she found a great guy, got married, and is once again active in the church. It warms my heart to see one who was lost, come back into the body of Christ. For a while she was searching for something, but I think in the last few years she found her joy once again.

Who was the first person you ever liked?
How old were you? What happened?

More to come...

~ Single Me


  1. His name was Matt. We hung out every day after school. Eventually we drifted apart, not even reconnecting. In high school he came out as gay and is now in a very happy relationship. He was always the very popular guy so it was a bit of a shock when I first found out. I'm glad he is happy now, though.

    1. I've always thought it would be really odd to find out someone you were interested in or dated turned out to be gay. I think I would feel fooled, or maybe that they were using me to hide that part of themselves. Sounds like you and him were close. Thanks for sharing!

      ~ Single Me

  2. Hmm, that's not what I expected. I guess I thought you'd talk more about your attitude towards dating or what you wanted your relationship to be with her.
    Personally, I always had crushes, but I never did anything about them because I felt it was absurd to date until one was at least in hailing distance of adulthood. However, Isaac and I met just as we were going through puberty and for the next 6 years we were either inseparable (as friends) or he wasn't speaking to me for some reason he never specified. He was the first guy I actually dated, but it was mostly long distance as I chose to go away to college and he broke up with me just before I came home for the summer. I never really understood our relationship or had the opportunity to go on dates in the normal fashion. My mother swore that my tolerance of the way he treated me meant I was destined to become either an abused wife or an unwed mother.

    1. Sorry it wasn't what you expected. That is more general. I have written other blogs on here that speak about that kind of thing. I find that I would often like to be friends first; however, it seems while some females like that that others want to be asked out directly, no hanging out but strait to the date invite. It is complicated. You will see exactly HOW complicated as we continue. But like I said, I wanted to start at the beginning. As the stories unfold you will see it spiral, trust me. I will also be doing a follow-up on this series with my thoughts overall about what I have been through, my thoughts after writing this series, my comments about the discussion from readers here, and some potential insights moving forward.

      I too didn't really see the point in dating until college, but I do think there is some foundation to that, those friends you might have liked but never pursued. In my mind those are the beginnings of the story.

      So, you both were friends and then things got complicated. Do you know what happened? Did he just break up with you out of nowhere or were there signs he was losing interest?

      Also, I cant believe your mom said that, not very reassuring. I always want friends to be treated with respect, but I always trying to encourage them to do better. I dont think belittling people helps.

      Thanks for the comment! There will be more to come. It sounds like you will start liking these more when I post the third one, much more drama and complications there. Next week is more about age difference and being the emotional crutch, but I didn't actually "talk" or date her, just a heads up.

      ~ Single Me

  3. Oh, it wasn't a criticism! You are not under the least obligation to meet my expectations. My mother is very loving, but she believes that being honest means saying whatever you're thinking, constructive or not. I'm trying to break myself out of doing the same. :/
    There were signs for quite some time, but every time I questioned him about it, he insisted it was nothing and would then do something extra sweet to reassure me. I still have a hard time letting go of the questions. He told me he still cared about me so much that he hoped he never saw me again. That didn't really work out for him since he lived a block from me and we went to the same church for the next 3 months, but he and his family were all very good at pretending I wasn't there. I still wonder what I could have done to warrant that.
    Don't worry about pleasing me! I am interested in whatever you choose to write. I don't need drama. I simply find people's motivations to be the most telling part of any story.

    1. Well, (1) I actually have the whole series written... I just have to edit it and put it online. I really didn't feel like editing 10 Pages at once when I finished writing, ha! so I couldn't write it for you if I wanted to (unless I did it all over) ;) (2) I thought maybe I advertized it in a manner that maybe made it seem like it was going to be different. (3) Thanks for you kind response! I did maybe take it as a critique, which was unfounded (obviously). As you will find, sometimes because of my struggles not wanting to be "rejected", in jobs or relationships, I find myself constantly "aware" of things that might be rejection and can be/have been wrong in my perception/interpretation of an event or conversation. Why this is an issue will become obvious though this series.

      And yes to your expereince. I am sorry you had to go through that. This is why I value honest and good communication so much between people, friends and/or romantic relationships. The females I were interested in all told me they wanted to be friends but were very good at ignoring me in-person and online.

      ~Single Me (And I did change my thumbnail. I am trying to be more generic since I run four blogs through my blogger account/profile).