tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16175874600499974572024-03-05T07:30:39.747-08:00Single MeMale. Christian. Minister. Introvert. Writer.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger70125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-31042878983709896922015-09-12T12:21:00.000-07:002015-09-12T12:21:43.524-07:00The Wounds of Repeated Rejection<div style="text-align: justify;">
Emotional Wounds are tough, especially when you start noticing triggers. I decided to stop dating about a month ago. It is tough but I really didn't have a choice. Sadly, I do not fit into that world nor does dating fit into my world right now; whether that is financially, emotionally, or any other word ending in an ly.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I first noticed this when I would see an attractive female. Where a year or a few months back I would be interested to talk to her, get to know her, maybe become friends or ask her out.. well, I noticed I began to cringe inside. All those thoughts of all those times I was attracted and got rejected for relationship and friendship came flooding back. In my mind, why even approach her if it will all end up the same.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sure she might enjoy talking to me but she might not want to be my friend. Maybe she wants to be my friend but already has a lot of friends or I like her "too much", tell her how I feel and when she rejects me I lose a friend as well. I want to be serious here when I say EVERY female I have ever told I liked them or expressed interest has rejected me and stopped being my friend after I expressed interest.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is not to say I haven't rejected a few, maybe 2-3 females - but I have asked out far more than that over the years. Our culture is constantly saying that men are too picky, I have even had my mother tell me this one time as a suggestion why I am not meeting someone. I hate that statement because it isn't true. I have been attracted to a variety of women and typically what attracts me to them, besides cuteness, is usually their love for God.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The sad thing is, I am not sure many of the women I have asked out could say the same. Of course, I typically hold back when talking about faith considering my job and our culture, not because I want to impress but because I simply want to get to know someone. Sadly though, part of me holds back spiritually because when I opened up before I was rejected with "you are a great guy and I know you love God, but I am just not attracted to you in that way. " </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
STING</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The sting of rejection doesn't just affect me spiritually but emotionally and physically as well. Overeating at times, cringing when I see an attractive women, sometimes even just seeing a females great smile or hearing her laugh, which should trigger me to feel attraction and desire, these now send out warning signals, a shield, telling me to be weary, be fearful, all that is behind that smile is rejection. It is a facade. That if I pursue anything beyond mediocre conversations and casual topics, I will be the creep, the stalker, the desperate guy. I will have to face rejection all over again, time after time, after time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And I really try not to be pissed off at God or at people in the church who are usually always married, telling me to pray more, volunteer more, stop thinking about it and she will magically appear. I try not to be bitter or resentful. I try but it is tough. The truth is we all want to be loved, to be held, hugged, live life alongside someone else, to share our experiences, our joys, and our sorrows. However, when you are single and 33 years old you don't really have an outlet for these feelings and desires, especially if you are male.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
New college students are coming to my church tomorrow. The church is sending them care packages, signing them up for families to meet with them throughout the year so they feel loved and appreciated in the community. Honestly, besides on Sundays I don't feel very loved. I feel ostracized, in the church, because I am single I am not really invited into the life of the church. I am not invited to dinners or game nights when other couples open up their homes and houses. I see a new couple walk in the door and how people flock to meet them, to surround and support them, to ask them to go out to eat or to come over to their house. This doesn't happen when you are single (Ok, in two years maybe a handful of invites). I am pretty sure the church just doesn't know what to do with me... except maybe to observe me there sitting by myself in the pew, perhaps they feel pity, maybe they feel nothing, or they pray I won't be so lonely (yes, read that phrase one more time and let it sink in), that I would find a spouse when all I'd really liked is just an invite to hang with them at their house, even if the kids are running around, spitting up the oatmeal they just ate, or pooping on the floor. I guess to others they ask why would I want to be there, in that chaos. It is because I'd rather be in a community with chaos and conversation, hurting or laughter, than be alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Most nights after working one of my two jobs, I come home and my apartment is quiet. I go to sleep and it is quiet. I wake up and it is quiet. No one ask me how my day was, what is going on tomorrow? No one asks me if I had a good or difficult day? And there is no one for me to listen to. I want to hear all the details about others. So I browse Facebook, hoping to connect to others but most people censor themselves online. Every married person is always happy and every single is always happy. And the ones who aren't happy people try to make happy.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I try to connect but sometimes my messages are not returned, just a notification someone got on their smartphone and then ignored or forgot about. I am just a blip on someones notifications.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I want to be more.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I try and try and try but to no avail. I am tired of trying so I've stopped caring. I scroll through my news-feed and see pictures of new babies, children growing up, relationships going on. I suppose we post about what we are proud of and for most people that is their family, their spouse, their children, their grand-kids; but when you are single you post about your new job, what you've read... but no one wants to read about how you went to the movies alone, read a book alone, called a friend on the phone, messaged someone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You don't get Christmas cards from single people because a card with just one person seems lonely, is lonely, feels pitiful. Yet, we are alive. We live and feel. We have wants and desires too. We have the family we grew up with and thoughts of the family we might have.. and maybe the one we might never have. We grieve and are joyful for our friends who are married, we just wish that we felt like others grieved or felt joy for us at all as well. We feel lost. We feel on the outside. We are many yet feel so alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
May God bring healing to those of us who are single and may be bring married people who live open lives so we know marriage is not all warm and fuzzy. I pray that one day the married and single divide in churches may fall. Alas, for now, this wall is held high and is thick. It will take both sides working to make it fall, tumble, and realize that married or single, we all desire and want community, and for those of faith, married or not, Christ should be are the forefront of our mind. For the singles this means crucifying our desire to be married as highest priority and for those who are married it means crucifying their spouse on a pedestal and putting God first where God belongs. Truthfully, all of us still have a lot of spiritual and emotionally work still to do.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-87332714766860570122015-08-29T14:29:00.000-07:002015-08-30T12:02:22.637-07:00Goodbye Dating, You were a Terrible Ride<i>Written 08/28/2015</i><br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The
last few months have been treacherous, difficult, hard, and filled with
sadness for me, my soul has gone in a tail-spin, the more I have
pursued dating the more terrible I have felt, the more I opened myself
up to others the more I have despised and grown weary of every
rejection, every smug face or pitiful look, every unanswered message of
interest in dating or even interest in friendship that was never
reciprocated.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Finally, after two years of
trying I've decided I am done with dating. No, this is not a blog about
how courtship is better. I don't know if our culture can do better,
because there are so many rules and poor communication that I don't
think we can do dating or courtship in a way that glorifies God, at
least not unless both are willing to go the extra mile, be truthful,
vulnerable, and honest.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is just too much, I
just cannot do it anymore. Much like when I pursued Youth Ministry for a
while and door after door closed, so has this happened in dating;
whether online or off, every single advancement, every risk, every
emotional step has been filled with rejection, with no real
reciprocation.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sadly, even those women I
thought I could be friends with, or wanted to be friends with and see if
there was more there, nothing ever happened. This isn't to say I didn't
reject anyone. I can think of one right out and another that was
mutual, which means in-person I've been rejected in some form about
eighteen to twenty times.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
At the beginning of
the month I was about to get another six-months free on Match.com and
renew my subscription for ChristianMingle. I cancelled both
subscriptions. Just the thought of sending another message, trying to
personalize it to "her", trying to sound interesting, hoping that the
other person there might see me, the real me, and respond. I just
couldn't anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then a week ago I finally
told God I was done, for the next three years I am putting all my effort
into paying off my loans and getting to know God. I am even going to
stop trying as much to make friends. I will still develop the
friendships I have and make ones if they come along - but I just don't
have the time or emotional energy to do all this pursuing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Maybe
just maybe, it is time for me to be pursued. Shouldn't other people
have to make an effort, any effort to get to know me, friendship or
dating.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, as of this week until October
2018, my 36th Birthday, I am done dating. If God wants to throw
someone in my face that may change but I am going to pursue Christ. If I
date, I want to remember her name. If I date, I want to be friends.
Ideally, I'd like to be friends if it doesn't work out but I've been
told that by way to many females in the past. If any female tells me
they want to be friends from now on, I am putting the ball in their
court. I will let them know they have to make an effort or "they" are
choosing to end the friendship.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Do you know, in
my opinion, the problem with men and women, guys and girls being
friends has nothing to do with attraction (I've been attracted to many
friends who are female) and everything to do with reciprocation, and in
ones ability to work through any possible awkwardness (and boundary
setting) to continue to get to know this great person, instead of <i>nicely</i>
(passively) dumping them on the side of your life-road.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am worth more. Men are worth more. We will pursue you but women have got to put in some effort, some reciprocation.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I
just cant anymore and I pray to God that he imbue me with his love and
perseverance, that if I am to be single for the rest of my life that he
would finally at some point bring me to complete contentment with this,
that if I meet someone or not, I will be fine. I pray that God will heal
my loneliness, that the bitterness I have felt towards God at times for
leaving me alone (<i>while all my friends and family get married and have
children</i>) will leave my wounded heart. I pray one day I will be able to
see pictures of new relationships, engagements, weddings, and kids
without feeling a deep sadness and grief, grief over what I have not had
and may never have. Last week I was at a Wendy's and saw a young couple
with their little daughter and son. I was two seconds from losing it.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But
I am now giving these feelings up to God. So, readers, this is what
happens to some at the end of their pursuits - real life - real hurt -
hurt that may be healed, hurt that may one day find someone and may not -
but sometimes you have to let go, to finally release that control, to
refocus, to give up, to focus on other things in life, in areas and
places where God has been and is already blessing you.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I
am done with dating but I will forever pursue Christ, I will extend and
show God's love to others, I will make myself available to the Speaking
and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, and what happens will
happen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-29991032529810850772015-08-29T14:11:00.001-07:002015-08-29T14:11:45.060-07:00The Weight of Dating as a Man (2/2)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Note: Written 07/03/2015</i><br /><br />A few months ago I drew up the courage to re-friend a woman I use to be friends with on Facebook. We only went out on one date but hung-out for about two months. After she rejected me, she replied to a few messages for a while but then just ignored me, no replies to messages or phone calls. Then I saw her in pics with all the other friends in our friend group but me. Why? Because I wasn't invited. That is what hurt the most. I accept not hanging out one on one but to be pushed aside like we never connected, were never friends, like I never mattered or even existed in her life, that's what brought tears to my eyes. So I deleted her number and her as a friend.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I sent her a message to re-friend her, she simply said she always was up for staying in contact with a friend from grad school. No mention we ever went out. No sorry she just felt too awkward to be friends at the time. Nothing. I let it go. I said nothing, acted like I only ever saw her in class… because what else am I supposed to do? So, I have to act like there was never anything there. Like I was nothing ever, nothing more than a mere class-mate. Like she never told me her favorite food was Chinese. Like we never talked on the phone for hours. Like we never watched movies together. All wiped away. Just gone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And the sad thing is situations like this still happen to me. I liked a nurse at work, not just because she was physically attractive but she had a wonderful way about her as well. I gave her a note one day, figured if she was interested she would contact me, if not, no big deal. Right? After that she would never look me in the eye. She was no longer happy around me anymore. She avoided me. I played along because what was I supposed to do, call her out? And well, after such instances, to me, a woman becomes much less "wonderful".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It just saddens me because if a woman asked me out and I declined, and then I treated her like she never existed, I would be the rude man but women are free to do this to men all the time. Women can go to other women or men for support; yet who can a single guy go to for such support? For a while I would talk to other friends who were guys but after so long it starts to get depressing, you hear yourself talking in circles, and after so long you get tired of talking about it. I have grown tired of talking about it, thinking about it, writing about it. Being single is so emotionally draining and if you are male, the truth is no one really gives a damn about you being single. Lots of women write blogs and books about being single, they have an audience because men and women both care about how being single affects women. They feel for them, they care for them. Mostly, men only write about being single after they are married. Basically, no one cares about what it is like for a man trying to date, trying to go through the emotions of being the initiator (all the time). Why? Because men are supposed to be the strong ones, the solid ones, the confident ones, and never the ones who feel lonely, unsure, or emotional.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am tired of the "game" of dating. I feel like giving up but if I don't try, as I did in the past, nothing ever happens - unlike the numerous stories I have heard. No pain, no gain I suppose. But I feel like dating is mostly pain and not very much gain at all. You are told to be yourself and yet the more you date, the more you start to feel that women do not want to see and know you, they want to see and be with their perception of you. They don't want a flawed person but the perfect boyfriend. Meanwhile I really want to know these women I have dated, who are they? How did they get to this point in time? I'm not saying I haven't rejected a few but out of about twenty dates in the last two years; I've rejected two that I remember.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I told a friend that I look at dating as saying yes to someone until I have a reason to say no. Honestly, I now feel that most women tend to date and look at men in the opposite way, to say no unless they have a reason to say yes. I think this is what leaves men in the back-row and women up front wondering: Where are all the good men? Why are they not asking us out?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We want to ask you out. I would ask out many more women if I didn't have to deal with all of the drama that seems to happen after. At work or church, whoever you ask out is very likely to tell others, so if you ask out too many, you come across as a player. Then, not only will you be turned down but you also come across as desperate and everyone knows you have been rejected. Then, no one wants to date you and women look at you like you are a creeper and will start treating you differently, where they once talked to you they will now only say one-word answers or avoid you.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't have answers.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I just hate what I see.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish things were different.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish women were more open to men.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish a romantic rejection didn’t mean a rejection as a person.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Still, this is simply how it is…</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-37243703501789396712015-07-03T06:17:00.000-07:002015-07-19T18:24:40.147-07:00The Weight of Dating as a Man (1/2)<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wanted so hard for things to be different. For so long I thought if I lost weight, if I gained confidence, if I put myself "out there" things would change. I've come to understand that while our culture would have you think guys are the ones who cannot commit, who decline dates, who drag women around; none of this is my experience, in fact, my experience is the opposite.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The truth is, women seem to give off mixed messages and I believe this is not on purpose but because many of them do not know what they want or are simply not willing to put forth the effort. Why put effort into a relationship, or a friendship, when you can pull out your feminine card that states men have to be the pursuers and initiators?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
However, even in this, women still win because when men they do not like and/or are not attracted to do pursue them, they can just label the guy as a creep or stalker, instead of as a guy who was interested in them and asked them a question or started a conversation (Yes, I do know real stalkers do exist but it is also a phrase used to speak of men they find unappealing that talk to them or are around them).</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've grown up in the church hearing all the time about how men should be leaders, how they should respect their "sisters" in Christ, how they should respect women for their minds and not merely see them as objects. Yet, I hear very little about how women should respect their "brothers" in Christ, not lie if they don't want to be friends, put effort into friendships and relationships with men, and treat men as people - ones they like and do not like.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm tired of women saying all men are shallow, of having to watch movies like "Shallow Hal" that depict guys as having standards that are too high and not being open to other women that are around them. I have put myself out there in online dating. Honestly, I have likely messaged somewhere between 500-600 women and gone on about 20 dates in the last two years. Most of these dates were before I took on a second job. I just have less time now to personalize each message and I feel "bad" if I do not. Ironically, I think when I mass messaged women I got more dates. I don't want "more dates" because I just want to find a person I connect with; yet the only way to find that person is to go out on more dates, to get more responses... effectively to mass message and forget the notion that I "should" care and "should" personalize each message.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm just tired of the whole process. I'd like to meet women in-person but most of the ones I have approached either have had boyfriends or ignore me after I get rejected. I wish women knew, really understood that, at least for myself, I can take a rejection for a relationship all day; however, when you just stop talking to me, begin ignoring me, and if we were friends and now you never talk to me, that is what hurts. That is what insults me, wounds me, and makes me feel sick.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I spent all that effort getting to know you, deciding you seemed like a good enough female to get to know better, maybe even date. Then, instead of being flattered and simply declining me but still acknowledging my existence, you ignore e-mails, you give one-word answers, and you never after that rejection ever ask me about myself - and if the tables were turned, If I ignored you, I would be the rude one, the one with the issue, the one who can’t handle rejection. It is the silence that kills me, the acting like we never talked.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-45382495655452042092015-07-02T06:58:00.000-07:002015-07-03T05:55:16.133-07:0040 Days Off Facebook (Part 3 of 3)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Thoughts After 40 Days</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>05/19/2015</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the first day or two it was a struggle but then I found myself keeping up with a few friends through e-mails, texts, or phone calls. Also, getting off Facebook gave me the space to think about what is important to me and I discovered it was connecting with people in-person, or at least though Skype or phone calls.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Still, our world of technology fights a lot against this; people are now far more comfortable e-mailing, texting, and "socializing" on Facebook. The problem is that Facebook isn't real, well in a sense at least. Facebook is what we post so others can know us, but I think we tend to filter out all the things we get with friends in real life, like tone of voice, body language, as well as the complexities of life; the good, the sad, and the funny.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm still going to be on Facebook on and off. I'm still going to write blogs, though I've chosen to remove a lot of recent posts/shares from my public blog and Facebook profile. As much as some like writing (and sharing on Facebook), I think people tend to have a sort of voyeur-like stance at times to reading my blogs, since I see many views yet normally no comments, perhaps a few "likes".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
If I am honest, while my writings about faith seem to get comments and discussion, my personal writings about life, love, dating, being single, and friendship seem to give off the wrong impression. I had hoped writing some personal things would help people to open up, add discussion; instead I think it makes my life seem sad worth pity instead of as courageously honest. I read a book earlier this year, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, in it, she writes about a man who spoke to her:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"[As men] we have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us.... [Women would] rather see me die on the top of my white horse than watch me fall of."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then the author replies:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
"[Women] ask [men] to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it."</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think most men cannot handle it either.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Real honesty is tough and I think when people emotionally expose themselves, others tend to recoil, to feel sorry for them, to pity them. What they do not know is how to do is respond with them, to discuss, or to be vulnerable themselves (unless they can be anonymous it seems). I've wondered why men and women who struggle socially, emotionally, or with addictions always wait until long AFTER to write or speak of their experiences. It is because being that open and vulnerable hurts ones reputation. Basically, no one wants to be friends or socialize with people who they know are sad, suffering, hurting, or lonely; people want to be friends with people who are fun, adventurous, and funny. The reality is we are all of these, a few might admit it behind closed doors, but admit such things openly and you commit social and professional suicide, especially if you are male.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Writing is tough, especially when your inspiration comes mostly from a vulnerable place. I've decided others don't need to see these vulnerable places, mostly because they are only part of who I am, and as I set out to make new friends and date, such honesty, such vulnerability does nothing for me personally. I will still write, (oh will I write!) but a lot less will be public.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Perhaps when I am old and grey, or at least married with kids and have a good social network, I can put my past writings out there. Maybe it will help others who are struggling themselves to know that there are others out there who feel the same, who are great people. Still, while the world can hold their interesting and fun self, it simply cannot bear to face vulnerability and doubt. In fact, the world will emotionally and socially drain and slay those who dare to be so open.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The only thing to do is chose to be open with a few close family and friends, those people who have earned the right to see my struggles, my darkness because they also see my light and reciprocate sharing their light and darkness, their ups and downs, their joys and struggles as well.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is sad but right decision. The game of life is that, we put on a show, we set up an image to others, performing on a stage - and only those worthy should ever be given the time and space to see the whole of who we are, behind the set, and as far as I am concerned the others are simply not worth my time or attention. I refuse feed their voyeur-like interest in me or to be pitied by them. I am worth more. I am more.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
They would know if they were willing and put forth effort.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I now know though, most simply will not.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-50613004309783850532015-06-03T12:51:00.001-07:002015-06-03T12:51:16.547-07:0040 Days Off Facebook (Part 2 of 3)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Thoughts after Ten Days of Facebook</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>04/14/2015</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I took a fast from Facebook to quiet my mind but also to face myself. Who am I? Who am I by myself? Who am I when I am not connected online? Would others reach out? When I feel absence, would I wallow in loneliness, would I eat in excess? If God's voice is found in the stillness, can I coax him out? Without all the noise, can HE hear my heart as it yearns for Him. Can I hear His voice when the distractions are silenced, cut off. Is it ok not to know what movie others are watching?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Will it help me not to feel so alone if I don't have to see pictures of my happily married friends and some of them with their children, knowing, at my age, the older I get the possibility for both in my life lessen, decrease? Is it good for me not to see all the pictures of extravagant vacations or mission trips, knowing that a month ago I worked 40 days in a row between my two jobs, trying to pay down this student debt. I simply cannot afford such luxuries in my life. No one is helping me. I am on my own.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I want to have those pictures, that life, but it isn't what I have, not who I am, at least not now, not yet. In truth, it may never be - and I'm sure for every smiling face there are arguments, for every vacation out, there are times of boredom and loneliness at home, for every mission or retreat, the reality of returning home.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Here, in the ordinary, between our desires and our realities; what we have, want, and need. In the complexities, this is where life is found... if we are honest. Facebook is a facade as much as an online dating profile; for as much as we try to use text, pictures, and videos, shares, likes, and writings - these are not us, not me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That is the lie. We "connect" online and keep our distance in real life. We sacrifice voice for text, presence for an e-mail, a comment for a like; and with each step we have separated ourselves, we feel connected but aren't, not to others really, and certainly not to ourselves. Who are we apart from technology? Who are we apart from our online "social" self? We are millions of people logging on alone. What we once used to connect and help us meet others in-person we now use so we never have to meet in-person, never hear another’s voice, never have to see their face.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We have already begun to lose part of what makes us human, true connection. We fool ourselves, saying we are not addicted, not consuming - but we are the ones being consumed, being force-fed lies, unrealistic expectations. The only way to find ourselves again is to refuse to believe the lie, to disconnect.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Perhaps this means balance, moderation, or giving up the thing we believe connects us but actually divides us and leaves us alone. I wonder if even one Facebook friend will e-mail or call me out of 300 "friends" while I am offline. Honestly, I am skeptical. Who are my real "friends" anyway? How do we define "friends" anymore? Do they merely "like" a status update once a year? Do they say Happy Birthday and nothing more?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm not sure but I feel like I am beginning to see, like I am on the precipice of something new, something transformative. May God guide my heart and show me: What is true connection? What does it mean to be and have real friends, real community, and let go of everything else? What does it meant to spend my time and energy only on those worthy of my thoughts and affections?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We will see.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-26985421877748700992015-05-22T06:38:00.001-07:002015-05-22T06:38:16.644-07:0040 Days Off Facebook (Part 1 of 3)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>Thoughts after Day One</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>04/07/2015</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It hits me when I open my web browser. I am not use to Facebook being gone. Usually Facebook is on a tab, already opened, and signs me in automatically. Now I only have e-mail, a few blogs, and Netflix opened.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Facebook. What once was a place to connect with friends and family, to make plans to meet or call or share, has become (to me) a facade. I became a facade. People would like or comment on funny videos or pictures but when I would bear my soul, those posts were typically comment-less.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I would spend my time sending messages to friends (at times) to talk on the phone, Skype, or meet in-person, only to receive no replies, get cancelled on at the last minute, be told they were "too busy", or that something came up. The thing is, something always came up. Once or twice is fine, stuff happens, but when a pattern develops one notices. You just wouldn't expect it with people who you thought, at least, were good friends with you at the time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Moving from Texas to New York was tough and I thought Facebook would keep me connected to everyone but somehow in the last few years, I've realized the sad truth: Facebook has replaced real communication. Where there was once tone of voice or body language there are pictures posted of everyone having a happy smile, text messages, status updates, and blog entries.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So many of us are lonely, desiring connection and friendships (I know this from when I do occasionally get people to actually message me back or somehow get offline to talk); yet we sit behind our technology, projecting an image of ourselves that isn't us at all.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We find ourselves lying to our friends about who we really are... if Facebook friends are really true "friends" at all anymore. Married people are too busy and I often feel as if they pity me for being single, instead of valuing me as a friend who happens to still be single (segregated from their other married friends, left out when those get-togethers are planned). Often, I feel like through others eyes I have some insufficiency, some kind of social disease I need to be cured of being single, like if they get too close, perhaps they will catch it as well and die a slow death.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I don't really have any single male friends anymore, as most of them have become married. Actually, most people my age are married. Nowadays I rarely hear from them. I have a few single friends who are female but mostly those friendships exists purely on Facebook, perhaps a few messages per year on and off, typically initiated by me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Almost all attempts now to initiate real-live friendships are usually not reciprocated; either by lack of response, business, or passive resistant passages, like "Let me see how my schedule is for next week, let me get back to you, yeah we should totally do that sometime" - only, after silence is all that follows.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I remember a time when friends shared life and now we share Facebook statuses. I remember when we use to laugh at life, now we laugh at Memes and YouTube videos along is our homes. I remember when we use to pray together and now we type "Praying for you". We lack real life follow-through anymore.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We have seemingly lost a lot of true connections. We are blind. We do not even see how much we have given over ourselves, sacrificed deep friendships for shallow ones. We "connect" online but it is more like observing. We do not even need to comment anymore when we can "like". We do not need to write a blog when we can tweet. We do not need to call when we can send a text. The black hole of technology is sucking us in, emotionally leaving us numb, alone, isolated, sad, and depressed. Yet, we log on each day, hoping to find connection on that screen.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am tired of this farce. Tired of scrolling through a news-feed, an endless progression of posts by people I haven't seen in person or heard from in months, even years. Ironically, some have likely never even sent me a message or commented on one thing I've ever posted or shared. Often, I feel like we are more "spying" on each other than friends, voyeurs into each-others’ lives, observing, lurking in the shadows of Facebook to see what others are saying and doing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But why? What are we so very afraid of connecting? Are we now at a point where we fear connection? Are we at a point where talking on the phone, on Skype, or meeting in-person is just too much? Have we lost the ability to connect, human to human, soul to soul, heart to heart?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I got off Facebook for 40 days; I wanted to "Log Off", to quiet myself, to stop feeling lonely in a place with so many "friends". I want to stop being bombarded by others who are in relationships, getting married, having children - while I am single, struggling to make friends, date, and am working two jobs to pay down student loan debt so my future, which hopefully includes a wife and family, will be not be so limited.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wish I had the time and money to travel, to be more involved at church, take classes for fun to meet others, or to go on fancy vacations to interesting places. That is not my life. Real life is tough. Tough is NOT for Facebook. I would rather Log Off and be alone by myself than keep logging on, seeing those things, and feeling worse in what is ironically such a "social" and "happy" place.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Facebook is a party of people, all living out there lives; yet when you try to get their attention, try to get them out of the room and into the real world, people disappear. You never know what’s going on with them, except for what they post. You are friends with mysteries, mysteries who only let things be known by what they post and you can’t be quite sure anymore who any of them truly are outside of your news-feed and their profile page. We are our own press agents.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
End of Day One</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-90351199249871747672015-03-11T12:27:00.000-07:002015-05-15T08:48:48.876-07:00Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(3/3)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>What does this mean for those who are Married:</u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>(1) Singles Want to be Your Friend</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You have no idea how frustrating it is to become friends with married people. Singles want to be your friends, to become friends or to maintain friendships with you. Often we are relegated to a lower social status or circle when being single. This means friends get married and suddenly tend to spend all their time with other couples, new people they have met. Sometimes a single meets a couple, tries to initiate a friendship and is shut down. We don’t care if your house is dirty or if your kids will be hanging around. We want to share life with you. And sometimes single friends make great free babysitters (just sayin)... but we aren’t doing that unless you are a true friend.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>(2) Invite us to do Something</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I find with a lot of my married friends that I have to be the one to invite them to do something. Just do not invite, hang, and befriend us out of pity. I do not pity you for being married or having children, so don't pity me for being single.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>(3) Give us suggestions for Friendships and Dating</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Most single are looking for someone. We do not want to be alone but it is difficult to ask others for help in a world that assures us in our Independence and self-sufficiency we can find someone by ourselves. Stats state; however, that most married people are introduced through family and friends. Why not have an open ear and heart regarding this towards your single friends. Don't feel we <i>have</i> to like them or things <i>have</i> to work out, but we will appreciate the thoughts and effort. Of course to do this, you have to actually have friends who are single.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>(4) Hear us (and Reciprocate)</b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We long to be heard, truly heard and not pitied; however, friendships go both ways and sometimes friendships with those who are married are very one-way. The single expresses themselves and the married person listens, gives advice, and says have a nice day. Where is the reciprocity? Any true friendship has reciprocity. Let us know how things are going for you. You don't have to talk bad about your spouse. You have other things likely going on. Asking for our advice lets us know you respect and care for us as a person and friend, that you value our opinion.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-13563403350570822682015-03-11T12:24:00.001-07:002015-05-15T08:48:32.870-07:00Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(2/3)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b><u>What does this mean for those who are Single?</u></b><br />
<b>(1) Stop Looking Down on Yourself</b><br />
You are a wonderful, unique, and awesome creation of God. You, all by yourself, are a wonderful and interesting being. You do not have to have anyone else to make you whole. You have your own identity, your own interest and hobbies. Develop that identity; deepen who you are in Christ. This will help you know yourself, and help you to build a wider community of friends.<br />
<br />
<b>(2) Say Yes to Being the Third (or 5th or 7th) Wheel</b><br />
It can be odd, yes some married or those in relationships can make it very odd - but the truth is it doesn't have to be. You will be able to find married friends who value you and do not throw your singleness and their married-ness in your face. Invest in friendships with others who want to know you. Also, be willing to be both encouraged and challenged by those whom are married. And most importantly, feel free to encourage and challenge those who are married as well.<br />
<br />
<b>(3) Know Married People Have Problems</b><br />
Like those who are single, married people have problems as well. They have two careers. Two lives they are attempting to mingle. Two sets of good and not-so-good qualities. Just as singles have issues, so do married people. Being friends with married people gives you a chance to stop romanticizing dating or being in a relationship. Yes, have hope and feel free to be romantic, but be realistic and know relationships take hard work and you'll want to have a best friend by your side.<br />
<br />
<b>(4) Have Opposite Sex Friendships</b><br />
I know you are afraid of how it may look. Others might think you like this person (and you may or may not like them). It will be awkward at times. You'll have to work on setting boundaries, especially if your friends are in a relationship or married. But let’s be honest, the real reasons Christians don't do this is because we are afraid other people will look down on us, we may come across as too forward, or we are worried about our own confusions or possible attractions. Here is the question: <i>Do you believe that friendship is worth the risk or do you want your life to be ruled by fear?</i> That is the real question. Besides, what better way is there to work on communication, setting boundaries, and getting the <i>inside-scoop</i>; than having opposite-sex friendships. And who knows, a friendship with a single female may turn into something else.<br />
<br />
<div style="background-color: white;">
<b>What Does this Mean for Those who are Married?</b></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<i>To be continued...</i></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
<i><br /></i></div>
<div style="background-color: white;">
~ Single Me</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-42853575548134481992015-03-11T10:03:00.000-07:002015-03-11T12:24:03.405-07:00Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community” (1/3)<div arial="" color:="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<u>Understand the Stats on Singles in the Church and Why they Exist:</u></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The truth is most of the church caters to those who are married (with children). The church does not cater to singles; those who have never been married, those who are widowed, divorced, or celibate. There is a huge hole in church ministry, for despite the fact that singles in America (and the American church) now make up 50% of the population there is a lack of community and friendship between these singles and their married counterparts. Look in any church and ask if half of those sixteen or older are single and you have your answer.<br />
<br />
How does this happen?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
First, many adolescents stop attending church by choice; whether by lack of interest, conflicting activities, or friendships. Additionally, many stop attending church once they get into college either questioning their upbringing or they stop going since they are no longer “required” to attend (they lack a solid personal spiritual foundation). For those who do still attend the difference isn’t truly felt when singles are in college or graduate schools as there are often many opportunities to pursue (and places that provide) community. Sadly, those singles left at ages 22-25 try to attend some church for a while but normally end up dropping out until years later when they are married and have kids, around age 35*.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<u><br /></u></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<u>Understand Those Who are Single:</u></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Perhaps you are single and your friends are in relationships or getting married. Perhaps you are in a relationship and feel scared of moving forward or of ending it. Scared to be alone and scared to fight for what you want and desire most.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Singles live in a world of fear. Fear we cannot speak about because it shows our faults, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses. The question that begs to be answered is: <i>Why am I still single? </i>And if singles dig deeper the scarier questions: <i>What is wrong with me? Or Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find someone I connect with? Someone I'm attracted to? Someone who will walk alongside me in life? Someone who will be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep?</i> At first many of us have roommates to help possible feelings of alone-ness or loneliness, but as people move out to get married or pursue careers, we have the relegated options of living with our parents or living alone. We opt for alone. We know no other acceptable way, especially for males.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I felt after publishing the series I wrote a few months ago, "<u>The Truth About: Being Single</u>", that it might be beneficial to say that what I wrote, the feelings and thoughts, do not have to be the end of the story for those of us who are single, or even a part of the story at all. We as the church, as brothers and sisters in Christ, can create a new story, a new Kingdom community, one where we are not bound by class, gender, marital status, or any number of things which tend to separate and divide us.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
But to reach past this issue here takes intentionality...</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Intentionality on those single and those married.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>To be continued…</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
~ Single Me<br />
<br />
Links*
<br />
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/for-the-first-time-there-are-more-single-american-adults-than-married-ones-and-heres-where-they-live/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.washingtonpost.com/<wbr></wbr>blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/<wbr></wbr>for-the-first-time-there-are-<wbr></wbr>more-single-american-adults-<wbr></wbr>than-married-ones-and-heres-<wbr></wbr>where-they-live/</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<a href="http://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-14/singles-now-outnumber-married-people-america-and-thats-good-thing" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.pri.org/stories/<wbr></wbr>2014-09-14/singles-now-<wbr></wbr>outnumber-married-people-<wbr></wbr>america-and-thats-good-thing</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2014/09/11/the-us-is-becoming-more-european-half-of-adult-americans-are-now-single/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.forbes.com/sites/<wbr></wbr>timworstall/2014/09/11/the-us-<wbr></wbr>is-becoming-more-european-<wbr></wbr>half-of-adult-americans-are-<wbr></wbr>now-single/</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<a href="http://media.bonnint.net/dn/0/78/7841.jpg" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://media.bonnint.net/dn/0/<wbr></wbr>78/7841.jpg</a></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<br /></div>
<div style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: small; text-align: start;">
<a href="http://www.pewforum.org/2010/02/17/religion-among-the-millennials/" style="color: #1155cc;" target="_blank">http://www.pewforum.org/2010/<wbr></wbr>02/17/religion-among-the-<wbr></wbr>millennials/</a></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-81857054230929870912015-03-10T11:33:00.000-07:002015-05-15T11:47:52.241-07:00On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (2/2)<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In a world where friendships are fleeting and people seem to be forgetting each other, how long before those in the church stop being friends and just people all attending a ritual event each week? How long before people in the church stop trying to meet new people or introduce singles to other singles?</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In a culture where friendships are zip-and-done, how do we disciple others to follow Christ if we can’t even understand how Jesus called someone his "friend". In a culture that hails in high-esteem individualism and public image, how willing are we to be daring, to be brave, to be courageous? If we can’t even be friends, can we be brothers and sisters in the faith? If not, then how are we different from the world? Then, are we not merely full of selfish ambition, only seeing our own self-importance? Where is the care for the other?</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What will the future of friendships become?</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These questions need to be asked and are far from being answered, far from even being known, since the internet and texting are still relatively new technology in our culture. Still, even now I often find myself questioning if the benefits outweigh the potential downfall. I often wonder if I closed my Facebook how many "friends" would notice and reach out? If I refused to ever reply to a text but required friends to meet with me in-person, talk on the phone, or through Skype - How many friends would oblige? How many would take the time to sit and talk, to carve out time?</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In a world where friendships are fleeting, expendable, disposable - the next step is that all others beside us become the same. We become a world full of self-seeking narcissist, all competing to see who has amassed the most wealth, the greatest status, and the greatest number of friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. We live lives of no depth, no care, no concern.</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I see this tide coming. I try to fight against it but it seems like a wave coming to overtake, like a hurricane coming towards the shore. One person or even a few cannot fight this wave of disillusionment. However, if each of us would make a change, if each one would do something different; put down their smart phone and speak to a stranger, sit down with a new friend, delete those “friends” on Facebook who we haven’t conversed with in years, or simply call up an old friend to catch up.</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, we just might have a chance at having significant friendships.</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Friendships with Significant Depth.</div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div arial="" font-family:="" font-size:="" justify="" sans-serif="" small="" text-align:="">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-40517158015929125062015-03-06T11:30:00.000-08:002015-05-15T11:32:17.749-07:00On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (1/2)<div style="text-align: justify;">
I remember a time, a time when friendships were in-person, a time when friends met in-person instead of over the phone or through the internet or a text. I remember actually hearing people’s voices, seeing their body language and picking up on all the nuances from knowing and seeing someone in the flesh.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Friendships like this are sadly becoming abnormal, so it seems.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In our world of busy-is-good, where we are always seeking to reach out with and through the newest kind of technology, I fear while we may gain, we are losing something terrible at the same time, human connection. I am trained in a profession where I learn how to listen, how to hear, how to be; yet I see increasingly that the world is moving at a faster pace. Stillness is not a virtue. What we don't realize is when we give up being able to sit still and talk, we give up the ability to listen, we give up depth, we give up being vulnerable, we give up friendships, and we give up community. We become millions of individuals all connected through technology but most of us only related on the shallowest level of friendship possible.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When we cannot sit still, all the friends we make seem deep at first until we move onto the next thing. The problem is, there is always a <i>next thing</i> and we develop the seeming inability to make a new friend, reconnect with the friend we made last week, or friend we have't spoken to in years. We have already run miles from that context and are so wrapped up in our own world we forget and are often blind to those we have left behind... and for those of us who realize this is going on, we may feel it is us who have been left behind.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It seems like with this fast-paced world, you can meet a friend in a certain context; at school, church, or work - but when you try to initiate contact outside of that mutual context, things tend to get awkward. It's initiating us out of our comfort zone. We have unknowingly labeled that person, regulated them to a specific part of our life and out of that comfortable context we seemingly have no idea what to do with that friendship. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In our world where everything has to be labeled, we have lost the art of good conversation, good communication, and knowing that it is acceptable and even good perhaps to make ourselves go through situations or friendships that are undefined, unclear, awkward, vulnerable, even daring.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-66599411293175843052014-11-21T15:37:00.002-08:002014-11-24T18:25:44.709-08:00The Truth About: Being Single (4/4)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" imageanchor="0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Dear Lord, please guide me in friendships and potential relationships, open my eyes to see genuine people and help to know when to put myself out there and when to save my time and energy. Help me to always put you first. Help me to be content if I should marry or if I should stay single. Help me to remember my contentment isn't based on marital status but based on your life, on your love, and grace. Help me to remember while friends come and leave, whether I am married or single, that you remain constant.</i></div>
<br />
<i>Help me to remember your loving-kindness to me no matter wherever or whoever I am; single or married. Help me to remember in Your Kingdom such differences which to us seem huge actually matter very little compared to your goodness. We are of one body, brothers and sister in Christ.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Help me to remember that I can learn from those who are married and those who are parents. Help others to know they can learn from me as well, only I must be willing to speak.... Help me to speak. help others to speak up, to speak out, that we may not hide in the darkness of superiority or fear, of pride and perfection, or lack of identity and a good self-image. Help us to lay down our defenses, turn to one another, to support one another, in our sorrows as well as in our joys.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Help us not to forget our importance is not based on marital status but on knowing you and making you known to others, by being a light in this darkened world. Help us when our priorities are skewed, when our desires might not have you first. Let us know you hear our heart... but let us not be so focused on our wants and desires that we forget our need for you, that we forget to be thankful for the good things we have in this life.</i></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Also, help us to persevere and keep focused.</i> </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>Life is full of easy distractions. A-men.</i></blockquote>
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/e5xEYgGr6ms" width="560"></iframe> </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
~ Single Me<br />
<br />
Image: <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvrTV2BkYaLaqv_rSuJ6177MsDYtL2d_peQ4rCr9RLfdajupyDDxmNohbgD3P6HGMNLA7jxxS_qrUt0ifQW3i-uhfRpSz-TW_CB6Bxg9a-2DaaXLLlEHu4qHU_8ncyV8yPHRFMRaik_dQ/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg">1 </a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-16442365596698963342014-11-20T17:39:00.001-08:002014-11-23T16:52:44.583-08:00The Truth About: Being Single (3/4)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" imageanchor="0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
From November 2013 through June 2014 I wholeheartedly put myself into the world of online dating. Despite all the messages sent and hours upon hours spent on these sites, I only ever went on about ten dates, some being chats on Skype when distance was an issue. While I know many others who met this way, even as one who is more introverted and enjoys writing, I began to find online dating very unperson-able and detached. I missed actually meeting and getting to know someone, in-person.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOD61aGGvA5N7WyPp4tUyxJuGgtwe8vAENzbsUpbKKh-STChG8fq198b_iAY_ib_dartPDn85M5KV1i0CpLSCKikqeZDOzU3omu5YBZSQpU756IeNPlkz-iBgJuG-D6BjVhT00wdrp16ib/s1600/Untitled02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOD61aGGvA5N7WyPp4tUyxJuGgtwe8vAENzbsUpbKKh-STChG8fq198b_iAY_ib_dartPDn85M5KV1i0CpLSCKikqeZDOzU3omu5YBZSQpU756IeNPlkz-iBgJuG-D6BjVhT00wdrp16ib/s1600/Untitled02.jpg" height="195" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Most people online project an image to attract others, sometimes it is older pictures of how they used to look while other times they have pictures of all the trips and fancy places they have visited. Most want a relationship ideally but don't seem bold or brave enough to do the one thing that truly matters, be themselves. Of course, that takes vulnerability.<br />
<br />
There were some occasions on dates where women would passively belittle the place I chose to go or some interest that I enjoyed. Other times I would express an opposing view on something and they would be taken aback. I could tell this is not what they desired, for what they seemed to expect was someone to agree with them on everything, to find only commonalities. True, while commonalities and interest are important, what I found through all of this was that differences make us unique and interesting.<br />
<br />
More than anything I found out <u>I want a woman who will <i>disagree with me</i>, who will <i>challenge and encourage me</i></u>, to throw me off my game and keep me on my toes. I don't desire someone who will change me but instead <u>someone who will <i>make me think</i> and who will <i>call me out in truth</i> when needed</u>. This, of course, would be reciprocal.<br />
<br />
However, after months of online dating, of beginning to feel detached, I decided to pull back, at least from being so intentional and spending so much time. I really feel like I get more out of meeting real people, making real friends and being around others with whom I can be myself, instead of feeling like I have to project a certain image, facade, and send the perfect message to connect at all. <u>I've learned when it comes to dating, it is far less important to focus on the <i>when</i> and <i>how</i> and instead to focus on the <i>who, on the character and depth of a person</i>, as well as their <i>intellect, humor, and of course their commitment to Christ.</i></u><br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3HUWPkj7HVC9JwtZLlZX3x20rUP2VSfL1toCqe0wOoxGJ8sL4lE-XycxoImI86lzMfh5FCJjU0So0fl248TwoINmnLDIe5z6zyEJhotGG764JWBKg8Tc_FN-IWFiYKccrr2nnZwRg4IKc/s1600/Untitled03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3HUWPkj7HVC9JwtZLlZX3x20rUP2VSfL1toCqe0wOoxGJ8sL4lE-XycxoImI86lzMfh5FCJjU0So0fl248TwoINmnLDIe5z6zyEJhotGG764JWBKg8Tc_FN-IWFiYKccrr2nnZwRg4IKc/s1600/Untitled03.jpg" height="195" width="400" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
Today while working I sat with a man weeping and yelling, his wife had just died suddenly. He truly cared for her deeply. That is what I want. Despite feelings of loneliness, I do not want to just get into a relationship or marriage with anyone, to simply <b>not</b> be alone. And as difficult as this journey has been, I also do not want to just give up either. There is something to be said for persistence and perseverance, for finding strength in our weakness, for believing that God can and does still do amazing things. And <u>it is for those things and people we care about the most deeply that we struggle, work, weep, and cry.</u><br />
<br />
So, I press forward, I grow in this; unable to know the eventual outcome until my life unfolds completely. But I do know that I am kept in Christ, that when everything else is stripped away, when others are taken away, when all else fails, still.. Christ remains.<br />
<br />
To God be the glory, always. A-men!<br />
<br />
~ Doubledb<br />
10/12/2014<br />
<br />
Images: <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvrTV2BkYaLaqv_rSuJ6177MsDYtL2d_peQ4rCr9RLfdajupyDDxmNohbgD3P6HGMNLA7jxxS_qrUt0ifQW3i-uhfRpSz-TW_CB6Bxg9a-2DaaXLLlEHu4qHU_8ncyV8yPHRFMRaik_dQ/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg">1</a> : 2&3 =BMW DVD: Season 1 </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-14510916147636428372014-11-20T17:37:00.000-08:002014-11-22T17:30:48.671-08:00The Truth About: Being Single (2/4)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" imageanchor="0" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
What you do not see and do not hear, are all the things singles hide from you. those singles not seeing anyone or who are dating but hide their feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Some dating or in a relationship hide the same things, all fearful of the unknown, of being hurt, but desiring to put themselves out there to find love and also avoid the biggest fear of all - facing the future alone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sure we start out with friends, but as one grows older, as one moves, friends get engaged, married, have kids, and start families. These things create distance, couples find friends with others couples and parents with other parents. Over time singles get use to being alone, having friendships drop; the un-returned calls, e-mails, messages.. it all just becomes the norm. This is simply the way of things.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The single learns to invest wisely in friendships, for these are the people who choose to stand beside you in good or bad times; yet there is a slight reluctance to put too much effort into friendships sometimes, as some can be fickle and few of us find good-quality friends that will reciprocate in ways we want - even more-so in ways we need.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
Oh, there is certainly joy in our life. There are hobbies and interest, not all is perpetually sad or confusing, not all is alone-ness, but somewhere, in all the ways we will try to distract ourselves; all the books we read alone, all the movies and TV shows, the additional jobs we take, and even the times we volunteer. It is there. In the background, always there is the question: Will I always feel alone? Will I always be alone? Will God provide me friends? Will God provide me a spouse? These questions surface the most as singles try to sleep or as they rise early, in the silence of those times. This is part of the single life.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: center;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEr_LXgogLc5Zb0xsehOCUJe-VZxQVFmzEbm_RLOZXrcyxRGDuHLUUdUmlf3b8U29GY7nwWrxbUYsiz4EyyjYpAyx65SUq2btf6MUlkFIiCEmEoUv7Uxx5tcmVJA_DfCXn33iA9ePvBCpX/s1600/single2.jpg" imageanchor="0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEr_LXgogLc5Zb0xsehOCUJe-VZxQVFmzEbm_RLOZXrcyxRGDuHLUUdUmlf3b8U29GY7nwWrxbUYsiz4EyyjYpAyx65SUq2btf6MUlkFIiCEmEoUv7Uxx5tcmVJA_DfCXn33iA9ePvBCpX/s1600/single2.jpg" height="153" width="320" /></a> </blockquote>
</div>
But all is not wanting, all is not alone-ness, for there is pursuit and being pursued, feelings of anticipation mixed with caution, nervousness mixed with excitement, feelings while trying to maintain some logic and sanity. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me<br />
<br />
Image: <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvrTV2BkYaLaqv_rSuJ6177MsDYtL2d_peQ4rCr9RLfdajupyDDxmNohbgD3P6HGMNLA7jxxS_qrUt0ifQW3i-uhfRpSz-TW_CB6Bxg9a-2DaaXLLlEHu4qHU_8ncyV8yPHRFMRaik_dQ/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg">1</a>: <a href="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/c9/61/ed/c961ed9cea83bb02cda4fb642c531c18.jpg">2 </a></div>
<br /></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-12833622686367207412014-11-20T06:13:00.002-08:002014-11-21T15:50:49.474-08:00The Truth About: Being Single (1/4)<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" imageanchor="0" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvGZDu5LEqN2KI06J9hW9YMt3ws6lAIez0cQKDIfNXPc8WUhVJPO3roJFwEVhzo4EpXpliB0yKXj9QyzJT4wS6TZ-W9ayVJ-NXDVPFpPprFE5uvheylOCTCaVrUQ4A6pBaed3uuEFDYeBa/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Single, married, divorced, parents, rich, poor... most of us hide our insecurities, issues, troubles, trials, struggles, longings, and questions. Someone always has to be the first one to open up, start the conversation, break the proverbial ice. The problem is... opening up is scary.<br />
<br />
A few weeks back I wrote a post about forsaking fear-based living, one of the things I fear opening up and writing about <u><i>is</i></u> being single. First, not everyone needs to know your personal stuff nor your deep and inner thoughts. Secondly, by opening up and writing, not only does one get to have such thoughts and feelings released, but these thoughts may help another person along the way. At least, the hope for a writer is that the words will not just go out into the dark void of the internet and the hope for a conversation if the other person doesn't just respond to such depth by sitting in stunned silence or running from you as if you were on fire. If this happens often, you might consider getting new friends, just a suggestion.<br />
<br />
The truth is, I don't like to write about being single. Being single is confusing. Obviously I've been confused for a while now. It is also vulnerable, especially writing about it, opening up about the thoughts and feelings that well up inside. Most of the time this is simply too difficult, too taxing, and most of us, including myself, leave this part of our life silent, except maybe for a select few.<br />
<br />
It means opening up a part of yourself you would rather keep hidden from others, and even from yourself. It means letting others into a part of your life in which you may feel the most inept, most unsure, even bitter. Even though I do write about being single occasionally on my public blog, it is only in general broad strokes, usually from an intellectual, not emotional, level, for this is far easier (and safe) than putting the whole truth out there.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMhCOFfsWhsLir0icRAFyygu1qQ42FAqH1mqxG6IkeU8t_kncsOht6hlcVldbl-Hzo5bQhJ5K1KYaZq6yHy-OfSW67rTK6Cm1clwFc54Xfa-kC6u9heYEhxfao3YOROjK7YPablLyY9gW7/s1600/have_you_met_ted.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMhCOFfsWhsLir0icRAFyygu1qQ42FAqH1mqxG6IkeU8t_kncsOht6hlcVldbl-Hzo5bQhJ5K1KYaZq6yHy-OfSW67rTK6Cm1clwFc54Xfa-kC6u9heYEhxfao3YOROjK7YPablLyY9gW7/s1600/have_you_met_ted.gif" height="180" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
If I could pick one show that is the closest to how it feels to be single, I'd say "How I Met You Mother" is the closest for me. Ten Seasons and Ted only meets his wife (the mother) at the very end. The show is all about his struggles and joys, not just in finding his wife but in his friendships and in finding his own identity: <i>How do I approach failure? How do I deal with married and single friends? Friends with children? How do I deal with feelings of alone-ness, confusion, and even joy by myself? If I share such feelings with others, to whom do I share?</i> These are questions the show tackles with its brand of humor mixed with drama, comedy mixed with emotion, laughter mixed with truth.<br />
<br />
Still, the one truth that I have found is that while no single '<i>dates Jesus</i>', He is our friend, our teacher, our center. God is ever-present with us, as well as the Holy Spirit as our guide and counselor. When we lose our focus on these truths, our (pursuit of) friendships and relationships become idols.<br />
<br />
~ Single Me</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Image: <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZvrTV2BkYaLaqv_rSuJ6177MsDYtL2d_peQ4rCr9RLfdajupyDDxmNohbgD3P6HGMNLA7jxxS_qrUt0ifQW3i-uhfRpSz-TW_CB6Bxg9a-2DaaXLLlEHu4qHU_8ncyV8yPHRFMRaik_dQ/s1600/Being-Single-640x430.jpg">1</a> : <a href="http://images.desimartini.com/media/uploads/have_you_met_ted.gif" target="_blank">2</a></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-36710212388952432052014-11-20T06:01:00.000-08:002014-11-20T06:01:47.167-08:00I Don't Believe in "The One"<i>How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage</i><br />
<br />
When I was in college...<br />
I remember the day my Old Testament professor said these words:<br />
“I don't believe in <i>the one</i>.”<br />
<br />
GASP<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This shocked everyone: How could he not believe in finding <i>the one</i>? How could he not believe in love? He's married, right? Doesn't he believe in God's plan for us all? Especially this was astonishing and disconcerting to the females who asked: And how does your wife feel about this? The professor with a thoughtful yet stoic face replied that she knew and agreed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Slowly a smirk and grin began to appear on his face. This is when he began to speak that, of course, he believes in love; however, we are ever-saturated by a world and media that shows us these exhilarating love stories, how two people meet in the most random way, at the perfect time, and both of course are super-attractive.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The problem is that none of that is <i>real</i> life. A real love story is complex, has layers. Love takes action, time, and wisdom to find and grow. It takes sacrifice. Real love desires but respects. It is something in our control and yet seemingly out of our control at the very same time. However, real love is always a choice. A choice we make each and every day one way or the other.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Indeed, love is formed from every choice made. Every new friendship made, every time you shake a hand or say hello; every invitation, message, and conversation you have is a choice, whether initiating or reacting. Any love, any bond; friendship, relationship or marriage is based on choice.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then my professor made a point I have never forgotten. He said he believed there are many <i>potentials</i> of someone to love. There are many people you could fall in love with, connect to through physical attraction, intellect, humor, music, and faith.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
He told us we would meet many of these people before and after getting married. However, when you walk with someone, get married, and make that commitment, and then journey with that person in life – then and only then does that person become <i>the one</i>, your <i>one</i>; you for them and them for you. Not based off fate or two half’s becoming whole but based on attraction, wisdom, friendship, choice, commitment, and the life-long bond that creates.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then when you meet someone else who might know more, be more humorous, or even more attractive. You can appreciate these qualities but that person is not <i>the one</i>. The <i>one</i> is the person with whom you are married, committed, and faced life with through all of its highs and lows, obstacles and challenges, joys and celebrations. At one time meeting such a person, they might have been a <i>potential</i> one, now they are <i>others</i>; acquaintances and friends.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is this truth, he said, that holds and bonds a marriage together and keeps temptations to go after others, to wonder what-if, and even to get divorced at bay. It's about choice, commitment, and a shared life – not <u>finding</u> <i>the one</i>. So, I don't believe in <i>the one</i>, he said...</div>
<br />
<b>You <i>become </i><u>one</u> over time.</b><br />
<br />
~ Single MeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-10213808590276410232014-10-15T14:05:00.000-07:002014-10-15T14:13:43.176-07:00Meeting Leslie: Part 3<div style="text-align: justify;">
The last few months have been very confusing for me. Before "Leslie" left for college she kept putting off seeing a movie with me.. <i>maybe next week</i> she kept saying. Then I said I thought it would be better if we did not hang out one-on-one since she had a boyfriend. I tried to message her a few times that month and she just kept saying she was <i>busy</i>.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, I met up with her when I went to go do an orientation for my second job in another city. She was supposed to get a group together, which happened to be one other person who ended up leaving before I got there, so I said we could go ahead and meet since I was already in town. We had a good time, at least I enjoyed spending a little while talking to her. We did hug as I left.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A few weeks later I got her address to sent her some of my books to borrow, related to something we had talked about when I talked with her. Shortly after I suggested we try to catch-up on Skype or through a phone call. She seemed genuinely interested and told me she made time on her calender. Since our schedules had both been so crazy I was excited to get to speak to her in <i>person</i>, because I tire of the internet, even if I do like to write... being away from friends and family so much makes you crave real interactions with peoples tone, humor, body language, and actually seeing their face.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So the day came and I was ready to get on Skype in an hour to chat with her when I see a new message. I just <i>knew</i> this was bad. I think I almost knew this was coming. She was going to cancel on me. Sure enough, my fears were true. She and her boyfriend had a talk (in the three hours since we had confirmed meeting that night on Skype) about hanging out and talking to someone of the opposite sex on the phone or on Skype.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Stab!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I replied that I understood but I was sad, though I couldn't truly admit why I was hurt. My brain told me I was <i>stupid</i>, because <i>she has a boyfriend</i>, <u>what are you doing?</u> I told my brain I was trying to be friends, at least, try to continue to connect with her, even if I cannot tell her how I feel right now, especially <i>now </i>with this. My feelings told me to feel horrible, that it was ok, that my brain was stupid and over thinks everything anyways, sometimes it is ok to follow your heart, to try to connect with someone, and when that connection is blocked, it is ok to be sad and grieve a little.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, We can still do group things, only with our schedules and her being out of town... I'm just not sure how much that will really work. I try to remind myself that friendships take months and years to form, and relationships that potentially grow out of a friendship take time as well. Still, I keep finding myself asking God: <i>Why am I in this situation? Why did I meet this women? Why did I meet her now when she has a boyfriend and not at some other time?</i> I mean, it would have been much more convenient otherwise, right? But that is simply not how real life works.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, this is where I find myself. I included her in a message with friends for some group stuff I'm trying to plan, though I don't know if any of it will work out or if she will even be free. <u>Frankly, I don't know what I am doing or why I care to try so much here.</u> I guess when you feel you connect with someone, that urge can be very strong and since I don't find myself connecting with a lot of people where I live, I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I think she is worth the effort, even if it is only friendship... but I question how much effort and when does it make sense to stop.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I pray God guide me and direct me here. I've always felt a disconnect between God and my dating life. I am sure he is there and is involved, I'm just not always sure exactly how. But still, I press forward. I'm not saying I am not looking to make other friends or wouldn't be open to meeting or dating anyone else if that happened, but if the last year has taught me something, it is that finding, making, and keeping friends in this new place is going to be very difficult. People have other friends and routines, so new people mostly have to be invited into this system, trying to create one of your own from the random people you meet and know seems almost impossible here.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And so my story keep unfolding,</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Though I am not ever quite sure exactly where it is going.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-51024371547662031382014-09-11T11:36:00.000-07:002015-05-15T11:45:01.973-07:00Adult Friendships: Part 2 of 2<div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: justify;">
In all truth, I don’t think we consciously know what we are doing all the time. I think after so much time it becomes like second nature. We hear a new friend say something that triggers a memory and we retreat. We offer to hang out or talk, they say they are busy or do not respond, and so our first and initial reaction it to cut them off because we don’t like even the potential and possible hint of rejection.<br />
<br />
Finally, I think it is more difficult to become friends as we get older because, not only does it mean being open and vulnerable with another person; but it means that we have to carve out time from our life. One has to be a lot more intentional.<br />
>
When we were young we didn’t have as many responsibilities and friends; yet, as we get older our list of duties, of rules, of hurts, of wounds; all of these things grow and become part of who we are inside. To become friends later in life means letting someone into this larger and more complex world that we have become. I think we find this scary. I think the reason it is harder to make friends as one gets older is simply this: Fear.<br />
<br />
There was a time when we were young and innocent, that we trusted others, when we simply asked someone if they wanted to be friends; however, now we become much more general, asking people if they want to hangout sometime or how they are doing? We put these responses out there, seeing, hoping to get a response. How and when the person responds either continues the friendship and brings connection or severs it.<br />
<br />
Today, be thankful for the friends you have but also do not let your thoughts stay on thankfulness alone but on building and nurturing such friendships. The old ones, people whom you loved and cared for, go back and thank these people in some way, let them know how they have personally touched your life.<br />
<br />
>What about those new friendships? Work on carving out time to make new friends, friends who might be different than you, who will stretch you and help you grow. Put effort into friendships with real people, get off your computer, your cell phone, or your tablet. Go out into the world, speak to people in person, call someone on the phone and connect.<br />
<br />
Today, remember and honor friendship. And remember, friendships takes two people, so if your efforts are not appreciated or reciprocated, pray to God that he connects you with someone who will appreciate you, appreciate your uniqueness, how God created you as an individual, and find someone worthy of a true and intimate friendship with you.<br />
<br />
You deserve it. You are worth it.<br />
<br />
~ Single Me</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-70290339880133013112014-09-06T11:34:00.000-07:002015-05-15T11:36:10.083-07:00Adult Friendships: Part 1 of 2<div style="text-align: justify;">
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about friendship and how important friendship is in our lives. Think about growing up and how many friends you have now, how you might not even remember how you became friends with any of these people. Wasn't it so much easier back then to make new friends, even to get into a relationship?</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Will you be my friend?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Do you want to hang out with me? Yes or No?</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It is amazing to me that as we grow up and become more complex, so does the way in which we approach relationships. I suppose when we are young, we can easily bond over the class we are in, a particular sport we both play, or that we both seem to have the same hankering for chocolate ice cream.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Somehow, as we grow and mature, so do our taste. However, I think we might have become too picky. That person is <i>too nerdy, too rich, too poor</i>, and <i>too different</i>; so instead of trying to pursue friendship, taking a chance on the fact that different-ness might be beneficial, we usually just decide not to pursue that relationship at all.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wonder if it goes deeper, maybe we don’t want to be seen with <i>that</i> type of person. Perhaps they are religious and we are not, or they wear different clothes than we do. Still, I wonder if it goes even deeper than we might be aware.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wonder if as we become older and more complex, we found others had a tendency to judge us, either aggressively or passive-aggressively. Perhaps they found faults and threw them back in your face. Perhaps they let you hear a harsh truth and you never forgave. Maybe you were rejected and it still hurts. I think as we grow we have these wounds that never really heal, likely because we tend to run from such confrontations, so when we trying to pursue friendships we take this baggage with us.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>More to come…</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-50431133589235434302014-09-01T09:37:00.000-07:002014-09-01T09:37:21.380-07:00On Building A New Community<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've had a mixture of feelings as of late when it comes to friendship, dating, and God. Sometimes I am pretty pissed at God, bitter that after all this time and how much I have sought after him I am still (feel) alone. Yes, mainly this is in regards to wanting a relationship but also with friendships, which I am making but still trying to build.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
At my age you have your life set (sort of), but when you move you come into a totally different landscape, everyone you meet will have suggestions of things to do or people to meet, yet few take the time to get to know you, to invite you to do things. You have to be the initiator and as an introvert this gets very taxing on me.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I much prefer to be the guy who sees the new person and introduces myself and invites them to hang out with a group. I do not by any means prefer to be that new guy, especially if you don’t feel others are really taking time to get to know you. I feel this way in friendship and with potential relationships.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have a few people I am glad to meet here but I have to initiate everything, which makes the friendships seem pretty one-side and lack that reciprocity I would prefer to have at least some of the time.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Sometimes I feel like I am using too much of my energy, trying to give out too much of myself, trying to tell my story to too many people... and I get little in return. I try to distract myself by watching movies, reading books, even playing computer games but the feelings of loneliness are there, of wanting to be wanted, wanting to be invited, wanted to be known.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Isn’t this all of us? I’m surprised how many of us feel alone yet shrink back into our abodes, our mediocre friendships, settling for less with people who don’t value or care for us... or at least not enough to seek us out more often and ask how we are doing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
How can we be so connected with one another and yet so very far apart is surprising. Why are we so prone to hide ourselves, to not let others see who we really are? But then, I feel like when I put myself out there I get smiles and well-meaning responses but rarely does it turn into action. Any relationship, including friendship, is built upon time, reciprocity, and trust.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Half of the time I want to ask people why they don’t respond or why they tell me about all these things to do around town but do not invite me to come with them. I want to know why they would see a person who is new and ignore them. I guess we all have our priorities, but then you find yourself on the bottom of everyone else’s list. You just begin to feel down and a bit depressed. You want more but can’t force relationships.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
These last months I have begun to see how people who are single depend on God a lot more, especially for those single people who find themselves moving for whatever reason and having to start over again and again. They have to build new relationships, friendships, and communities every time. True, some do find this easier than others, because for some they just have those personalities that attract others.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the others who are quieter and laid back, it can be extremely tough to find those friends, sifting through all the people, seeing who you connect with, and out of those who will spend time and reciprocate your feelings.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, today for those of us who feel lost in that void, stuck in the middle. I want you to know that you are not alone. I am not alone. There are many of us who feel alone out there, while all these people pass us by everyday. Know my reader, that God is always there, that God has never left you. God is there right by your side and desires to know you and for you to know Him. People will fail, friendships and relationships will come and go but Jesus is there with you forever.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When you feel you have had enough, let Him know. When you find a new friend, offer God your thanks - but whatever you do, don’t simply give into those negative thoughts, don’t become a recluse, don’t shut yourself down, don’t retreat from others into your shell. Go out and shine your light. The people who respond to your light will be the ones who are worth spending time and fighting for... but as with everything, it will take time and effort.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
May God give us perseverance, strength, patience until then…</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-29640586663177540382014-08-22T16:05:00.000-07:002014-08-22T16:05:08.750-07:00Meeting Leslie: Part 2 of 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDkNhyphenhyphentO66ZHnNAaIlmUbvK1HYaDdR_NSZbOyk2HnnFCM7QlVqsl-WAcOGLIiRNWdnyotARDw2_aLAcg8CxKBE_ORF7aM1taFGSBZBC8JShZHiv9K2NBjZiiBb1OMjbI4uJYQ4U13_MgnE/s1600/meetLeslie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDkNhyphenhyphentO66ZHnNAaIlmUbvK1HYaDdR_NSZbOyk2HnnFCM7QlVqsl-WAcOGLIiRNWdnyotARDw2_aLAcg8CxKBE_ORF7aM1taFGSBZBC8JShZHiv9K2NBjZiiBb1OMjbI4uJYQ4U13_MgnE/s1600/meetLeslie.png" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That is when I was completely confused and excited. The next two weeks I tried to plan a time and she would say she was going out of town unexpectedly or because of other previous commitments she was busy. The thing is, she’d keep saying “maybe next week” after with an exclamation mark. Then she told me she was leaving back to college the next week. I was sad we didn’t meet up, a bit confused, and this is when I felt I really wanted to come out and let her know I liked her (or saw potential there), so I wrote out this initial message:</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I'm gonna lay all my cards on the table here and be honest…. it is probably good we didn't meet up one-on-one for a movie, even though I know we both want(ed) to. I'll admit, from the first time I asked you if you’d like to get together for coffee or a movie sometime, I was a bit discouraged to find out you had a boyfriend; however, you seemed (and still do seem) a special enough person that I want(ed) to pursue friendship with you.<br />
<br />
I think it’s pretty obvious from our interactions and messages that we enjoy being around one another but I will admit I do feel there could be the potential for something more there. With our interactions and how we have danced between spending time together in a group or one-on-one make me think you might as well. Of course, you have a boyfriend and I really want to respect that fact, respect you, respect him, so hanging out one-on-one in person might not be the wisest thing to do right now.<br />
<br />
At this point, you don’t have to let me know if you feel the same, cause either way it wouldn't really matter since you are seeing someone and we are friends. But if things should change in the future, you become single and are interested, I would like to ask you out and see if there is the potential for something more there.<br />
<br />
That being said, I think it might be good to set some boundaries for the both of us. I'd like to still hang out in groups (your friends or mine), keep up a bit through Facebook, and maybe have a phone call every now and then. I'd be totally down with coming to meet-up with you and your friends depending on my schedule with my jobs. We can just keep one another informed on stuff and I'm sure we will be able to stay connected.<br />
<br />
I hope our friendship can take my honesty here. I think it can even though it is relatively new, but I didn't want to wait until later and drop a bombshell on you with this out of nowhere either. I look forward to continuing to know you as a friend… and as my sister in Christ. Hope your weekend and going back to campus next week goes well. I'll message you again in a while and we can catch up. Later!</blockquote>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I let it sit for days, as I pondered, prayed, and sought advice from some other godly men I know. I wanted to convey to her that I liked her, still wanted to be friends, and wanted to respect her relationship with her boyfriend. But then I was hit by the thought that if I had a girlfriend, I wouldn’t want her hanging out one-on-one with some other guy. That’s when I re-read the message and saw how incredibly selfish parts of it were. As I sought out the wisdom from my friends and prayer, I really felt it was best not to tell her how I felt, but to tell her I enjoyed her presence, getting to know her, and set some boundaries since she does have a boyfriend. Then I sent this message.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
So.... I ended up seeing Guardians of the Galaxy with my friend and his wife. It was really good, so if you like Superhero movies, I'd go see it but I liked Spider-Man 2 and the new X-men movie better still. <br />
<br />
I think it’s pretty obvious from our interactions we enjoy being around one another as friends which is great; however, I feel since you have a boyfriend hanging out one-on-one in person might not be the wisest thing to do right now. I just want to put that out there. I'd still like hang out in groups (your friends or mine), keep up a bit through Facebook, and maybe talk on the phone every so often. That being said, I'd be totally be down with coming to meet-up with you and your friends depending on my schedule with my jobs. I've been there twice this year and when I wasn't stuck in traffic it seemed like a nice place ;) We can just keep one another informed on stuff and I'm sure we will be able to stay connected.<br />
<br />
I look forward to continuing to know you as a friend and sister in Christ as well. I hope your weekend at the fair and with your parents goes well... and going back to campus on Monday. Talk to ya later!</blockquote>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I do hope we can be friends, though I do think even in this message it might be slightly obvious I do like her, the point is to pursue our friendship but with some boundaries that respect her relationship with her boyfriend. Maybe it’s just me, but I couldn’t do it and don’t think I would like who I would become if I tried to break them up or gave her an ultimatum. So, I prayed to God and sent SEND on that message. I hope we can be friends. I’d like to get to know her more. If this is God's will for friendship only I pray God lets me know. If this is something more, I pray God would open doors and both of our eyes. I pray his guidance and blessings either way. But as always, the future remains uncertain and sometimes you find yourself along for the ride.<br />
<br />
This is what it’s like being single…<br />
<br />
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-37693585709457245002014-08-11T14:40:00.000-07:002014-08-11T14:40:03.774-07:00Meeting Leslie: Part 1 of 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPsCzKz1FtUdZ9PIlivYnKUgKRpN61dPgUB90g8b57KX60pWIkjiX5UdiPmY6ge2mdmaPwtbmJsUBFdqM5uerzHXXVaOh-tnEmLvEkUtLBSvIwUOt55KrqnRdr8-ZoejB3wujEooDhxVUs/s1600/meetLeslie.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPsCzKz1FtUdZ9PIlivYnKUgKRpN61dPgUB90g8b57KX60pWIkjiX5UdiPmY6ge2mdmaPwtbmJsUBFdqM5uerzHXXVaOh-tnEmLvEkUtLBSvIwUOt55KrqnRdr8-ZoejB3wujEooDhxVUs/s1600/meetLeslie.png" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After nine months of treading through the confusing waters of online dating, I felt God calling me to something different. But I wasn’t exactly sure what. I cut back on the online dating, rarely checking the site and not sending out any messages over the last month or two. After so long it just became cumbersome, seemed futile, impersonal, and created frustration inside of my heart.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I decided I was going to go to a college and young adult bible study that a mega church runs here. Yes, I was considering I might meet someone there I might want to date but I also just wanted to find some friends, some people who like to have fun, who are in my same life-stage, even if they were a bit younger.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
That’s when I met Leslie (not real name). Not the first week but the second week, even then I only got her name and the fact that she was going to be there the coming week. The next week I got her full name and one of her friends name and added them both on Facebook.<br />
<br />
A lot of the underpinnings happened in those messages on Facebook. I asked her to coffee or a movie, she said sure, and then later told me she spent the weekend meeting her boyfriend’s parents. She never said she didn’t want to meet, which confused me. I still decided to pull back so I told her and one of her friends if they wanted to do something to let me know. Plans either never happened or kept falling through.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For the first few weeks at the bible study we set separately, either her or her friends couldn’t see me or she sat in the middle of her friends. Eventually she came to either invite me to sit next to her and her friends or she would come and sit next to me. It was nice. I liked her as a friend but obviously since I asked her out for coffee or a movie in the first place there was always that initial attraction. I wanted to acknowledge and respect the fact she had a boyfriend... even if inside I wanted to dismiss and ignore that because of my own desires and feelings.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well, then I got into a car accident. Those who know me best know I am somewhat anxious driving, but add a car accident and the anxiety of having a rental I can’t get into an accident, and it’s pretty terrible, at least the first few days. Because of this and because I knew she would be driving close to my apartment on the way to the bible study, I asked her for a ride. First, this would help me with my anxiety and secondly, it would give me extra time to talk with her, friends or no friends riding along.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
No friends ended up coming, when she texted me that fact I just called them losers and laughed but inside I was obviously excited. It would just be the two of us, not that I would try anything, but I would get to know her a bit more. It was during that ride she brought up her boyfriend, letting me know they were courting not dating. I still do not know why she decided to tell me this fact, being that either way she saw him as her boyfriend so what difference would it make.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
After the bible study she was dropping me off and I asked if she… (Then I corrected myself)… she and her friends want to get together to let me know. We had been talking about movies earlier and how I wanted to see “Guardians of the Galaxy”. That is when she said, "If you'd like a movie buddy to go see Guardians, let me know".</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
To Be Continued…</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
~ Single Me</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-12708429462060234372014-07-23T11:38:00.000-07:002015-05-15T11:41:07.837-07:00On (Online) Dating and Friendship<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>Edit: I wrote this a few days ago but have been struggling on whether or not to post this publicly on my blog. I have come to the decision that while most things regarding being single (or married for others) might need to remain private or personal, sometimes we use this as an excuse to remain silent in our struggles, desires, and journey's regarding friendships and relationships. Additionally, I know from some married friends, their struggle can be to maintain that "perfect image" to other about their marriage. The reality is life is full of complexity, lots of confusion, but if we will let Him, God will challenge us to far greater things than we could ever attain and accomplish on our own... because <u>our</u> nature is selfish and <u>His</u> nature is full of love, holiness, kindness, and community. So, here we go...</i></div>
<br />
=================<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's time I come clean, let the rabbit out of the hat, and admit what only a few close friends and family have known the past few months. I have been pursuing online dating, even asking a few females out that I have met face-to-face.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
For years I found myself feeling a bit rejected, mostly relegated to the friend part of life with all my female friends when it came to relationships. Since this last November, about nine months, I started online dating after losing weight, gaining confidence, and finally deciding I would put myself in that wacky of world online dating despite my first experience at it a few years previously to be rather odd, if not slightly disturbing... If you call getting messages from sixty year old ladies disturbing. I did.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Let’s just say online dating is such an odd thing and I almost feel sad how many people are relegated to finding someone this way. I find it odd that we cannot connect with one another and network enough to find matches in real life, because in community we all know who is single, their personalities, and yet those looking stay silent (in shame or guilt I suppose) about their desires and longings.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Recently, I asked out a few females I had met in person, which is always a lot more dramatic and emotionally vulnerable than sending out the "hey you" message on a dating site to someone you do not know. The thing is, I've also recently been getting some opportunities to become friends with some females, which is odd when you are in a “dating mindset”, like the one that (online) dating produces, that seems to make women into more of a meat market of potential relationships than actually getting to know them as person, uniquely created by God.</div>
<br />
Conviction.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The last few weeks God has really been laying friendship on my heart. I still do not have a lot of friends here in the area. It’s like being the new kid at a school where all the social groups are set and you are trying to fit in, to be accepted, to find your niche.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I read and share articles all the time in my Facebook about how men and women can be friends. I believe that in my mind, ideally, but my life the last few months hasn’t been showing what I profess to believe. It is very easy to cut out females from your life when you are so focused on finding "the one" or a "potential one" that you miss all the friends you could make, even if a relationship is not possible.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no-one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. - <b>John 15:12-15</b></blockquote>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Jesus told his disciples that they were his friends, so friendship doesn’t have to be some derogatory phase regarding the opposite sex in regards to relationships, nor does it mean there has to be some alternative underlying motive. Certainly there may be some form of attraction, but I believe friendship is appreciating the beauty of the other as a person without being in an intimate physical relationship, because the reality is all friendships are certainly emotional and spiritual, if not humorous and intellectual, sharing life with another.</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<img alt="" border="0" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE3aUXVSNebYRmONFjCAS51sVfWvDgeZyxff9i2exYO-XscvN-9rniK_xhq1lb6C6L9hf4CzQGPlRYD3T6AIn-AqP40-CvFW7Aq24KnAfxthXcYCmQHGKkUW9Xyscjmg5gBuJsHuMftusy/s1600/cs_lewis_quotes_on_friendship.png.jpg" title="" width="320" /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
Friendship is also known as "Philo” or “Philia" (Brotherly, Sisterly, or Friendly love) in the Greek and CS Lewis writes about friendship in his book "The Four Loves". There is something there, something God is showing me. Despite not wanting to be put in that “zone”, I question why, what am I seeking? What am I running away from? Am I only seeking what I desire but missing something I need, namely friendship? How can I so quickly dismiss that? How quickly do we dismiss others as friends based on many things like gender, socioeconomic status, etc. That thought is haunting me, convicting me, and God has not let it leave me the last few weeks.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Trust. Hope. Anticipate. Let Go.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
So, for now, I am toning down on the online dating. Still pursuing it somewhat but I feel I’ve been stuck in extremes and need to re-prioritize, moderate, to find a balance between giving up or completely giving myself over to the (online) dating system. I think God has another way, a different way, one in which I get to know another, and one in which rejection of a relationship doesn’t have to be the end but can be the beginning of something new, a friendship with someone new, created by God that can add value to life.</div>
<br />
What are your thoughts?<br />
<br />
How do you feel about (Online) Dating?<br />
How do you feel about friendship?<br />
How about friendship with the opposite gender?<br />
<br />
~ Single Me<br />
<br />
Did you enjoy?<br />
Please Like, Comment, and Share.<br />
To Subscribe Follow the Links on the Side (turn off Ad Blockers if you have them).<br />
<br />
Image <a href="http://quotationaboutlife.com/wp-content/uploads/cs_lewis_quotes_on_friendship.png" target="_blank">1</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1617587460049997457.post-29767668986168954042014-06-17T04:53:00.000-07:002014-06-17T04:53:24.472-07:00On Dating And Becoming Who You Want To BeHonestly, I never wanted to do online dating. In fact, my preference would have been and will always be to find some woman at church who loves God, we both catch each other’s eye, we become friends, and then it develops into something more. This of course will seem almost effortless.<br /><br />The Truth: That is unlikely to happen.<br /><br />First, it presupposes I will find someone at church, when past experience shows that is likely to never happen. All of my efforts to initiate dating with someone from church have never worked out. Secondly, it presupposes she will want to be friend and that she is not currently seeing someone. Thirdly, it also suggests there is a pool of singles in churches, when you can clearly look at the stats and anyone ages 25-35 are basically absent from church.<br /><br />So, I had to decide to do something else, to be someone else, someone more intentional, aggressive, and willing to take more risk.<br /><br />I went on a date with a woman this past Monday out of town. We met for dinner and then had a nice walk around a reservoir in that city. While I’m trying to figure out my feelings about her, I’m also thinking about the nurse at work who is seeing someone, not to mention the other females I have messaged or might message online.<br /><br />This all makes me feel like a... player?<br /><br />I guess if the women knew, it would make then feel I didn’t value them. But it is difficult to find a balance. In dating you can put all your efforts into one person (which is what I did in the past) only to be rejected or you can start putting yourself out there more and see all of the potentials.<br /><br />This changes your mind a lot, as far as rejection. making you less inclined to stay in that spot of being hurt and helps to propel you forward; however, it also seems to make you question each woman you meet. Do I like her? Can I find someone better? Should I see where this goes or just move on?<br /><br />But this also makes you question your assumptions about compatibility. Does she have to be into watching the same movies or TV shows? The same music? Will she like to talk or read about theology or psychology?<br /><br />These questions begin to be replaced by: What are her values? Would our personalities fit together? Do we and will we enjoy eachothers company? Not to mention, if she is nice, is it a friend nice or relationship potential nice? The hardest thing is trying to figure this out through one meet-up or date.<br /><br />I always wanted to be a more outgoing person and I have accomplished that in some ways. I feel fine initiating contact and going on dates with different women. But part of me regrets that it can’t be easier. I read books and blogs about (Christian) dating and many say to wait, to follow God, and things will have a way of working out.<br /><br />I have found in my own life that nothing I have accomplished came through waiting. I never sat by, waiting for a job to call me, but instead sent out multiple resumes a week; so for me, to suggest I should seek God and wait seems unintelligible.<br /><br />I want to believe it could be so easy, but anything good in my life has come through hard work. If I had known in college what I know now, I would have pursued a lot more women during that time (and maybe gone to less bible studies). But you can’t look backward, only forward.<br /><br />~ Single MeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2