I think about trying to make contact sometimes, but I wasn’t
the one who ceased our friendship, who ceased communication. I did have to completely cut her from my life. Why? It was just too much, too torturous to see someone you
were once so close to ignore you. To know you tried to be friends, but you were not
the one who rejected her, she was the one who rejected you.
I try to convince myself that if I tried to reinitiate a
friendship years later that it would be just for that, friendship; but a
sneaking part of me still thinks, years later, perhaps I still want more, still
desire a relationship. However, we are two different people now, with years of separate
experiences between us, dividing us, putting distance between us. I feel if I
tried to reconnect, with the shortening of that distance, a lot of questions, a
lot of feeling and doubts would only resurface.
I might feel that rejection all over again, rush over me
like a deep dark sludge, sticking to the crevices of my mind, reminding me of
how I felt back then. Reminding me of how I don’t want to feel that way again. Reminding
me how I don’t want to give anyone the power to make me feel that way, so small
and insignificant, like we had never been close at all.
Who knows, maybe it was hard for her too, just so hard we couldn’t
be friends. Maybe too confusing. Maybe I look back so much because I don’t have
anything at the moment to propel me forward, to start my momentum and vision in
a more hopeful manner and future direction. Oh, how long we can spend staring into the
past, wondering, brooding, being consumed by who we were, by how we were
treated. However, the past is previous, the present is now, and the future is
what we make it. Shall our futures be riddled day after day with the thoughts
of the past, with things we cannot ever change?
Perhaps the one that got away is not the one is the past,
but the one in the present, and in the future, the ones we keep missing because
we are too blind, too stuck in our old ways to see new potential, to make changes,
to takes risks. Perhaps, because we let fear and rejection
blind us, we cannot see the great potentials that our right in front of our
faces. Yes, maybe it was not she in the past who got away, but the ones right
now who are getting away, every time we let the past define us, instead of
defining ourselves in the present, thus redefining our self in the future.
Now is the time.
~ Daniel
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