40 Days Off Facebook (Part 3 of 3)

Thoughts After 40 Days

05/19/2015

For the first day or two it was a struggle but then I found myself keeping up with a few friends through e-mails, texts, or phone calls. Also, getting off Facebook gave me the space to think about what is important to me and I discovered it was connecting with people in-person, or at least though Skype or phone calls.

Still, our world of technology fights a lot against this; people are now far more comfortable e-mailing, texting, and "socializing" on Facebook. The problem is that Facebook isn't real, well in a sense at least. Facebook is what we post so others can know us, but I think we tend to filter out all the things we get with friends in real life, like tone of voice, body language, as well as the complexities of life; the good, the sad, and the funny.

I'm still going to be on Facebook on and off. I'm still going to write blogs, though I've chosen to remove a lot of recent posts/shares from my public blog and Facebook profile. As much as some like writing (and sharing on Facebook), I think people tend to have a sort of voyeur-like stance at times to reading my blogs, since I see many views yet normally no comments, perhaps a few "likes".

If I am honest, while my writings about faith seem to get comments and discussion, my personal writings about life, love, dating, being single, and friendship seem to give off the wrong impression. I had hoped writing some personal things would help people to open up, add discussion; instead I think it makes my life seem sad worth pity instead of as courageously honest. I read a book earlier this year, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, in it, she writes about a man who spoke to her:

"[As men] we have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us.... [Women would] rather see me die on the top of my white horse than watch me fall of."

Then the author replies:

"[Women] ask [men] to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it."

I think most men cannot handle it either.

Real honesty is tough and I think when people emotionally expose themselves, others tend to recoil, to feel sorry for them, to pity them. What they do not know is how to do is respond with them, to discuss, or to be vulnerable themselves (unless they can be anonymous it seems). I've wondered why men and women who struggle socially, emotionally, or with addictions always wait until long AFTER to write or speak of their experiences. It is because being that open and vulnerable hurts ones reputation. Basically, no one wants to be friends or socialize with people who they know are sad, suffering, hurting, or lonely; people want to be friends with people who are fun, adventurous, and funny. The reality is we are all of these, a few might admit it behind closed doors, but admit such things openly and you  commit social and professional suicide, especially if you are male.

Writing is tough, especially when your inspiration comes mostly from a vulnerable place. I've decided others don't need to see these vulnerable places, mostly because they are only part of who I am, and as I set out to make new friends and date, such honesty, such vulnerability does nothing for me personally. I will still write, (oh will I write!) but a lot less will be public.

Perhaps when I am old and grey, or at least married with kids and have a good social network, I can put my past writings out there. Maybe it will help others who are struggling themselves to know that there are others out there who feel the same, who are great people. Still, while the world can hold their interesting and fun self, it simply cannot bear to face vulnerability and doubt. In fact, the world will emotionally and socially drain and slay those who dare to be so open.

The only thing to do is chose to be open with a few close family and friends, those people who have earned the right to see my struggles, my darkness because they also see my light and reciprocate sharing their light and darkness, their ups and downs, their joys and struggles as well.

It is sad but right decision. The game of life is that, we put on a show, we set up an image to others, performing on a stage - and only those worthy should ever be given the time and space to see the whole of who we are, behind the set, and as far as I am concerned the others are simply not worth my time or attention. I refuse feed their voyeur-like interest in me or to be pitied by them. I am worth more. I am more.

They would know if they were willing and put forth effort.

I now know though, most simply will not.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 2 of 3)

Thoughts after Ten Days of Facebook

04/14/2015

I took a fast from Facebook to quiet my mind but also to face myself. Who am I? Who am I by myself? Who am I when I am not connected online? Would others reach out? When I feel absence, would I wallow in loneliness, would I eat in excess? If God's voice is found in the stillness, can I coax him out? Without all the noise, can HE hear my heart as it yearns for Him. Can I hear His voice when the distractions are silenced, cut off. Is it ok not to know what movie others are watching?

Will it help me not to feel so alone if I don't have to see pictures of my happily married friends and some of them with their children, knowing, at my age, the older I get the possibility for both in my life lessen, decrease? Is it good for me not to see all the pictures of extravagant vacations or mission trips, knowing that a month ago I worked 40 days in a row between my two jobs, trying to pay down this student debt. I simply cannot afford such luxuries in my life. No one is helping me. I am on my own.

I want to have those pictures, that life, but it isn't what I have, not who I am, at least not now, not yet. In truth, it may never be - and I'm sure for every smiling face there are arguments, for every vacation out, there are times of boredom and loneliness at home, for every mission or retreat, the reality of returning home.

Here, in the ordinary, between our desires and our realities; what we have, want, and need. In the complexities, this is where life is found... if we are honest. Facebook is a facade as much as an online dating profile; for as much as we try to use text, pictures, and videos, shares, likes, and writings - these are not us, not me.

That is the lie. We "connect" online and keep our distance in real life. We sacrifice voice for text, presence for an e-mail, a comment for a like; and with each step we have separated ourselves, we feel connected but aren't, not to others really, and certainly not to ourselves. Who are we apart from technology? Who are we apart from our online "social" self? We are millions of people logging on alone. What we once used to connect and help us meet others in-person we now use so we never have to meet in-person, never hear another’s voice, never have to see their face.

We have already begun to lose part of what makes us human, true connection. We fool ourselves, saying we are not addicted, not consuming - but we are the ones being consumed, being force-fed lies, unrealistic expectations. The only way to find ourselves again is to refuse to believe the lie, to disconnect.

Perhaps this means balance, moderation, or giving up the thing we believe connects us but actually divides us and leaves us alone. I wonder if even one Facebook friend will e-mail or call me out of 300 "friends" while I am offline. Honestly, I am skeptical. Who are my real "friends" anyway? How do we define "friends" anymore? Do they merely "like" a status update once a year? Do they say Happy Birthday and nothing more?

I'm not sure but I feel like I am beginning to see, like I am on the precipice of something new, something transformative. May God guide my heart and show me: What is true connection? What does it mean to be and have real friends, real community, and let go of everything else? What does it meant to spend my time and energy only on those worthy of my thoughts and affections?

We will see.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 1 of 3)

Thoughts after Day One

04/07/2015

It hits me when I open my web browser. I am not use to Facebook being gone. Usually Facebook is on a tab, already opened, and signs me in automatically. Now I only have e-mail, a few blogs, and Netflix opened.

Facebook. What once was a place to connect with friends and family, to make plans to meet or call or share, has become (to me) a facade. I became a facade. People would like or comment on funny videos or pictures but when I would bear my soul, those posts were typically comment-less.

I would spend my time sending messages to friends (at times) to talk on the phone, Skype, or meet in-person, only to receive no replies, get cancelled on at the last minute, be told they were "too busy", or that something came up. The thing is, something always came up. Once or twice is fine, stuff happens, but when a pattern develops one notices. You just wouldn't expect it with people who you thought, at least, were good friends with you at the time.

Moving from Texas to New York was tough and I thought Facebook would keep me connected to everyone but somehow in the last few years, I've realized the sad truth: Facebook has replaced real communication. Where there was once tone of voice or body language there are pictures posted of everyone having a happy smile, text messages, status updates, and blog entries.

So many of us are lonely, desiring connection and friendships (I know this from when I do occasionally get people to actually message me back or somehow get offline to talk); yet we sit behind our technology, projecting an image of ourselves that isn't us at all.

We find ourselves lying to our friends about who we really are... if Facebook friends are really true "friends" at all anymore. Married people are too busy and I often feel as if they pity me for being single, instead of valuing me as a friend who happens to still be single (segregated from their other married friends, left out when those get-togethers are planned). Often, I feel like through others eyes I have some insufficiency, some kind of social disease I need to be cured of being single, like if they get too close, perhaps they will catch it as well and die a slow death.

I don't really have any single male friends anymore, as most of them have become married. Actually, most people my age are married. Nowadays I rarely hear from them. I have a few single friends who are female but mostly those friendships exists purely on Facebook, perhaps a few messages per year on and off, typically initiated by me.

Almost all attempts now to initiate real-live friendships are usually not reciprocated; either by lack of response, business, or passive resistant passages, like "Let me see how my schedule is for next week, let me get back to you, yeah we should totally do that sometime" - only, after silence is all that follows.

I remember a time when friends shared life and now we share Facebook statuses. I remember when we use to laugh at life, now we laugh at Memes and YouTube videos along is our homes. I remember when we use to pray together and now we type "Praying for you". We lack real life follow-through anymore.

We have seemingly lost a lot of true connections. We are blind. We do not even see how much we have given over ourselves, sacrificed deep friendships for shallow ones. We "connect" online but it is more like observing. We do not even need to comment anymore when we can "like". We do not need to write a blog when we can tweet. We do not need to call when we can send a text. The black hole of technology is sucking us in, emotionally leaving us numb, alone, isolated, sad, and depressed. Yet, we log on each day, hoping to find connection on that screen.

I am tired of this farce. Tired of scrolling through a news-feed, an endless progression of posts by people I haven't seen in person or heard from in months, even years. Ironically, some have likely never even sent me a message or commented on one thing I've ever posted or shared. Often, I feel like we are more "spying" on each other than friends, voyeurs into each-others’ lives, observing, lurking in the shadows of Facebook to see what others are saying and doing.

But why? What are we so very afraid of connecting? Are we now at a point where we fear connection? Are we at a point where talking on the phone, on Skype, or meeting in-person is just too much? Have we lost the ability to connect, human to human, soul to soul, heart to heart?

I got off Facebook for 40 days; I wanted to "Log Off", to quiet myself, to stop feeling lonely in a place with so many "friends". I want to stop being bombarded by others who are in relationships, getting married, having children - while I am single, struggling to make friends, date, and am working two jobs to pay down student loan debt so my future, which hopefully includes a wife and family, will be not be so limited.

I wish I had the time and money to travel, to be more involved at church, take classes for fun to meet others, or to go on fancy vacations to interesting places. That is not my life. Real life is tough. Tough is NOT for Facebook. I would rather Log Off and be alone by myself than keep logging on, seeing those things, and feeling worse in what is ironically such a "social" and "happy" place.

Facebook is a party of people, all living out there lives; yet when you try to get their attention, try to get them out of the room and into the real world, people disappear. You never know what’s going on with them, except for what they post. You are friends with mysteries, mysteries who only let things be known by what they post and you can’t be quite sure anymore who any of them truly are outside of your news-feed and their profile page. We are our own press agents.

End of Day One

~ Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(3/3)

What does this mean for those who are Married:

(1) Singles Want to be Your Friend

You have no idea how frustrating it is to become friends with married people. Singles want to be your friends, to become friends or to maintain friendships with you. Often we are relegated to a lower social status or circle when being single. This means friends get married and suddenly tend to spend all their time with other couples, new people they have met. Sometimes a single meets a couple, tries to initiate a friendship and is shut down. We don’t care if your house is dirty or if your kids will be hanging around. We want to share life with you. And sometimes single friends make great free babysitters (just sayin)... but we aren’t doing that unless you are a true friend.

(2) Invite us to do Something

I find with a lot of my married friends that I have to be the one to invite them to do something. Just do not invite, hang, and befriend us out of pity. I do not pity you for being married or having children, so don't pity me for being single.

(3) Give us suggestions for Friendships and Dating

Most single are looking for someone. We do not want to be alone but it is difficult to ask others for help in a world that assures us in our Independence and self-sufficiency we can find someone by ourselves. Stats state; however, that most married people are introduced through family and friends. Why not have an open ear and heart regarding this towards your single friends. Don't feel we have to like them or things have to work out, but we will appreciate the thoughts and effort. Of course to do this, you have to actually have friends who are single.

(4) Hear us (and Reciprocate)

We long to be heard, truly heard and not pitied; however, friendships go both ways and sometimes friendships with those who are married are very one-way. The single expresses themselves and the married person listens, gives advice, and says have a nice day. Where is the reciprocity? Any true friendship has reciprocity. Let us know how things are going for you. You don't have to talk bad about your spouse. You have other things likely going on. Asking for our advice lets us know you respect and care for us as a person and friend, that you value our opinion.

~Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(2/3)

What does this mean for those who are Single?
(1) Stop Looking Down on Yourself
You are a wonderful, unique, and awesome creation of God. You, all by yourself, are a wonderful and interesting being. You do not have to have anyone else to make you whole. You have your own identity, your own interest and hobbies. Develop that identity; deepen who you are in Christ. This will help you know yourself, and help you to build a wider community of friends.

(2) Say Yes to Being the Third (or 5th or 7th) Wheel
It can be odd, yes some married or those in relationships can make it very odd - but the truth is it doesn't have to be. You will be able to find married friends who value you and do not throw your singleness and their married-ness in your face. Invest in friendships with others who want to know you. Also, be willing to be both encouraged and challenged by those whom are married. And most importantly, feel free to encourage and challenge those who are married as well.

(3) Know Married People Have Problems
Like those who are single, married people have problems as well. They have two careers. Two lives they are attempting to mingle. Two sets of good and not-so-good qualities. Just as singles have issues, so do married people. Being friends with married people gives you a chance to stop romanticizing dating or being in a relationship. Yes, have hope and feel free to be romantic, but be realistic and know relationships take hard work and you'll want to have a best friend by your side.

(4) Have Opposite Sex Friendships
I know you are afraid of how it may look. Others might think you like this person (and you may or may not like them). It will be awkward at times. You'll have to work on setting boundaries, especially if your friends are in a relationship or married. But let’s be honest, the real reasons Christians don't do this is because we are afraid other people will look down on us, we may come across as too forward, or we are worried about our own confusions or possible attractions. Here is the question: Do you believe that friendship is worth the risk or do you want your life to be ruled by fear? That is the real question. Besides, what better way is there to work on communication, setting boundaries, and getting the inside-scoop; than having opposite-sex friendships. And who knows, a friendship with a single female may turn into something else.

What Does this Mean for Those who are Married?

To be continued...

~ Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community” (1/3)

Understand the Stats on Singles in the Church and Why they Exist:

The truth is most of the church caters to those who are married (with children). The church does not cater to singles; those who have never been married, those who are widowed, divorced, or celibate. There is a huge hole in church ministry, for despite the fact that singles in America (and the American church) now make up 50% of the population there is a lack of community and friendship between these singles and their married counterparts. Look in any church and ask if half of those sixteen or older are single and you have your answer.

How does this happen?

First, many adolescents stop attending church by choice; whether by lack of interest, conflicting activities, or friendships. Additionally, many stop attending church once they get into college either questioning their upbringing or they stop going since they are no longer “required” to attend (they lack a solid personal spiritual foundation). For those who do still attend the difference isn’t truly felt when singles are in college or graduate schools as there are often many opportunities to pursue (and places that provide) community. Sadly, those singles left at ages 22-25 try to attend some church for a while but normally end up dropping out until years later when they are married and have kids, around age 35*.

Understand Those Who are Single:

Perhaps you are single and your friends are in relationships or getting married. Perhaps you are in a relationship and feel scared of moving forward or of ending it. Scared to be alone and scared to fight for what you want and desire most.

Singles live in a world of fear. Fear we cannot speak about because it shows our faults, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses. The question that begs to be answered is: Why am I still single? And if singles dig deeper the scarier questions: What is wrong with me? Or Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find someone I connect with? Someone I'm attracted to? Someone who will walk alongside me in life? Someone who will be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep? At first many of us have roommates to help possible feelings of alone-ness or loneliness, but as people move out to get married or pursue careers, we have the relegated options of living with our parents or living alone. We opt for alone. We know no other acceptable way, especially for males.

I felt after publishing the series I wrote a few months ago, "The Truth About: Being Single", that it might be beneficial to say that what I wrote, the feelings and thoughts, do not have to be the end of the story for those of us who are single, or even a part of the story at all. We as the church, as brothers and sisters in Christ, can create a new story, a new Kingdom community, one where we are not bound by class, gender, marital status, or any number of things which tend to separate and divide us.

But to reach past this issue here takes intentionality...

Intentionality on those single and those married.

To be continued…

~ Single Me

Links*

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/for-the-first-time-there-are-more-single-american-adults-than-married-ones-and-heres-where-they-live/

http://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-14/singles-now-outnumber-married-people-america-and-thats-good-thing

http://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2014/09/11/the-us-is-becoming-more-european-half-of-adult-americans-are-now-single/

http://media.bonnint.net/dn/0/78/7841.jpg

http://www.pewforum.org/2010/02/17/religion-among-the-millennials/

On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (2/2)

In a world where friendships are fleeting and people seem to be forgetting each other, how long before those in the church stop being friends and just people all attending a ritual event each week? How long before people in the church stop trying to meet new people or introduce singles to other singles?

In a culture where friendships are zip-and-done, how do we disciple others to follow Christ if we can’t even understand how Jesus called someone his "friend". In a culture that hails in high-esteem individualism and public image, how willing are we to be daring, to be brave, to be courageous? If we can’t even be friends, can we be brothers and sisters in the faith? If not, then how are we different from the world? Then, are we not merely full of selfish ambition, only seeing our own self-importance? Where is the care for the other?

What will the future of friendships become?

These questions need to be asked and are far from being answered, far from even being known, since the internet and texting are still relatively new technology in our culture. Still, even now I often find myself questioning if the benefits outweigh the potential downfall. I often wonder if I closed my Facebook how many "friends" would notice and reach out? If I refused to ever reply to a text but required friends to meet with me in-person, talk on the phone, or through Skype - How many friends would oblige? How many would take the time to sit and talk, to carve out time?

In a world where friendships are fleeting, expendable, disposable - the next step is that all others beside us become the same. We become a world full of self-seeking narcissist, all competing to see who has amassed the most wealth, the greatest status, and the greatest number of friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. We live lives of no depth, no care, no concern.

I see this tide coming. I try to fight against it but it seems like a wave coming to overtake, like a hurricane coming towards the shore. One person or even a few cannot fight this wave of disillusionment. However, if each of us would make a change, if each one would do something different; put down their smart phone and speak to a stranger, sit down with a new friend, delete those “friends” on Facebook who we haven’t conversed with in years, or simply call up an old friend to catch up.

Well, we just might have a chance at having significant friendships.

Friendships with Significant Depth.

~ Single Me