Weight Loss & Body Dysmorphia

To say I was ever diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia would be incorrect; however, there were signs I was dealing with this, at my largest and smallest weight in different ways. My thought process before losing weight was that only people who were Anorexic or Bolemic would deal with this concept. In the end, it has to do with similarities regarding weight and a distorted mental perception.

When I was at 325-325Lbs there were times I would exercise 1-2 Hours trying to lose weight but I would be so sore from working out I wouldn't want to workout for days or even the rest of the week. Additionally, I would get hungry from the workout and then overeat the calories I just lost. Finally, when I wasn’t losing and would plateau, I would find myself eating more food cause I was simply so stressed trying to lose that I would just let go and give in to the hunger and cravings. I would weigh myself daily and be so disappointed when I wasn’t losing. This, of course, led to stress which would then feed the cycle of self-doubt, disappointment, and giving into cravings. This was a back and forth in my body & head, a fight between want and will vs hunger and stress.

How did I break the cycle?

I had to learn to just keep going, not to give up these three things:
(1) Eat Healthy
(2) Exercise 30-45 Minutes 3-4 times weekly
(3) Portion Control (listen to my body, make sure I was eating enough).

Of course, one I started losing fast, half was on purpose and half was because I got very sick and was having stomach issues. I went from being worried I wouldn't lose to worried I would lose too much. One of the first things when losing was my fingers didn't look and feel like my own. I was use to my short and fat fingers, which were now looking longer and skinny. Later I could see my reflection in mirrors and reflections and I didn't look right, my mind couldn't perceive that I wasn't fat anymore, that I was or was becoming skinny. Some of this was also due to hanging skin, which looks like something between fat and not fat… and of course takes time for loose skin to go away. My new body was coming and my old body was going away… and I think when this happens, maybe even when its more slow, our mind has a hard time handling who we perceive ourselves to be and who was actually are in the mirror.

Now, as my stomach heals and I am now focused on maintaining my body weight, my mind seems to be finally aligning my perception with reality. I've also gone from three days cardio and one day strength to two days cardio and two days of strength. I’ve also been working a lot on my mental and spiritual self, along with the physical. Things all along seem to be coming back in to balance after years. Now, these practices and new healthy habits are ones I plan to continue into the future.

Have you ever dealt with issues of perception vs reality?

Have you ever dealt with weight issues?
- trying to lose, maintain, or gain?

Female friends who had children:
Did this come as you gained during pregnancy and then stayed the same or lost weight?

Please feel free to comment on FB, on the blog, or message me your thoughts!

~ Single Me

What We Lost Becoming Adults & How We Heal

I’ve been thinking a lot this last year, as I am coming out one one of my darkest times of my life; how I am healing, how I lost myself, and why I needed that healing in the first place? Is their a resiliency we had that over time we lost as we became adults? How did we become this way? Could our issues physically, emotionally, and spiritually be connected to ways be slowly sacrificed off parts of ourselves for different reasons? Maybe we were anxious or embarrassed or fearful, maybe we became perfectionist scared of taking risks because we might fail.

I remember as a child sitting on the carpet in front of my mom... just me with a stack of paper. I would sit for what seemed like hours drawing and coloring, no mind of time, free of worries, not thinking about the past or future – I was there in the present, just me and that free creativity. I drew for no one but myself. I kept what I liked and discarded what I didn't – not looking back, not seeing discarded pictures as failures, but stages to my success. I was my own judge of my successes, my failures, and my challenges. How did I lose that? How do we lose that over time? How and when did we become so consumed with others judgment on our lives? Maybe it was due to parents, family, friends. Maybe it was jobs or careers, where instead of enjoyment of the job itself, we were forced to meet quotas. We were told our success was based on our productivity, on the money that we earned.

I remember as a child building with Lego's. I enjoyed making buildings or ships out of those random pieces. I never got enjoyment out of the pre-made, I liked to use my own creativity. Why follow plans when I could create from my own mind. Later, I got this designing video games levels for the game “Doom 2”. The editor was easy to use and I could use my computer to make something out of nothing, creating not only challenges for those who would play but as the game designer – fitting all the pieces together so the game worked; every light, texture, enemy, door, switch all programmed from my own imagination. Why did I stop designing those levels? Why did I stop something that gave me joy?

The honest truth is I stopped because I was trying to cultivate an image of me for friends and for those who I might date in the future. At the time I was was starting to become more self-conscious about how others perceived me. “This is not something normal adults do at my age.” “If I want a wife or family, I have to stop doing things like this.” So... I stopped. I also stopped playing any computer games for the two years I did online dating. In the end, for whatever reasons at the time, online dating didn't work out for me... and I never started designing levels again. While I played computer games, I no longer shared about them. I closed off this part of myself so I wouldn't be perceived as odd or strange – instead of seeing this part of me as something beautifully different and unique.

Around this time I also stopped writing, blogging was dying and as I was in a more professional career. I was worried, fearful, and anxious something I might say would cost me my job. I also had this feeling that no one really cared for my writing, which isn't true, as people told me how much they have enjoyed my writing. Alas, I could not hear the praise over the other negative voices speaking into my mind. Instead of fighting those thoughts, trying to find a way to write in the midst of strife, even if only for myself, I caved.

These are just examples of how I cut off these parts of myself due to negative thoughts or to create some false image of myself to please others. In what ways have You lost parts of yourself between childhood and adulthood? What are things you used to do that you miss? What have you given up to please those negative thoughts, only to lose parts of your true self? What parts did you give up to please others? Were you trying to please family? Were you trying to please bosses? Were you trying to please friends, children, significant others, or spouses?

What can we do now? What can you do to gain those parts of yourself back? I believe the only way to gain from these past hurts is to look at the lie that “we would be more happy” or “others would like us more” and see what became lost in us. The truth is... to heal, we must gain back those things that were sacrificed, take back our truth, and learn again to be our authentic self.

Like a child judging his own artwork, so we must again become the judge of what gives us joy, not basing our happiness on others but on our self. In truth, while others can help, it is only each of us who can do the work to regain what was lost, to heal and save ourselves… then encouraging other to do the same.

- Daniel, Writer Once Again