Friday, July 3, 2015

The Weight of Dating as a Man (1/2)

I wanted so hard for things to be different. For so long I thought if I lost weight, if I gained confidence, if I put myself "out there" things would change. I've come to understand that while our culture would have you think guys are the ones who cannot commit, who decline dates, who drag women around; none of this is my experience, in fact, my experience is the opposite.

The truth is, women seem to give off mixed messages and I believe this is not on purpose but because many of them do not know what they want or are simply not willing to put forth the effort. Why put effort into a relationship, or a friendship, when you can pull out your feminine card that states men have to be the pursuers and initiators?

However, even in this, women still win because when men they do not like and/or are not attracted to do pursue them, they can just label the guy as a creep or stalker, instead of as a guy who was interested in them and asked them a question or started a conversation (Yes, I do know real stalkers do exist but it is also a phrase used to speak of men they find unappealing that talk to them or are around them).

I've grown up in the church hearing all the time about how men should be leaders, how they should respect their "sisters" in Christ, how they should respect women for their minds and not merely see them as objects. Yet, I hear very little about how women should respect their "brothers" in Christ, not lie if they don't want to be friends, put effort into friendships and relationships with men, and treat men as people - ones they like and do not like.

I'm tired of women saying all men are shallow, of having to watch movies like "Shallow Hal" that depict guys as having standards that are too high and not being open to other women that are around them. I have put myself out there in online dating. Honestly, I have likely messaged somewhere between 500-600 women and gone on about 20 dates in the last two years. Most of these dates were before I took on a second job. I just have less time now to personalize each message and I feel "bad" if I do not. Ironically, I think when I mass messaged women I got more dates. I don't want "more dates" because I just want to find a person I connect with; yet the only way to find that person is to go out on more dates, to get more responses... effectively to mass message and forget the notion that I "should" care and "should" personalize each message.

I'm just tired of the whole process. I'd like to meet women in-person but most of the ones I have approached either have had boyfriends or ignore me after I get rejected. I wish women knew, really understood that, at least for myself, I can take a rejection for a relationship all day; however, when you just stop talking to me, begin ignoring me, and if we were friends and now you never talk to me, that is what hurts. That is what insults me, wounds me, and makes me feel sick.

I spent all that effort getting to know you, deciding you seemed like a good enough female to get to know better, maybe even date. Then, instead of being flattered and simply declining me but still acknowledging my existence, you ignore e-mails, you give one-word answers, and you never after that rejection ever ask me about myself - and if the tables were turned, If I ignored you, I would be the rude one, the one with the issue, the one who can’t handle rejection. It is the silence that kills me, the acting like we never talked.

~ Single Me

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