Sunday, June 3, 2012

Rejection and Affection

I've had a really emotional weekend, which is abnormal for me. I am a thinker. But I have been unable to control my emotions and feelings this weekend. I was fine until this past Thursday. I was sitting in my office, finishing a quick game of chess before my co-worker beat me once again. No, it wasn’t that they beat me; it was that while we were playing another co-worker came in to confirm going out to eat for lunch. They were going out to eat with an old co-worker, one who I would have liked to see again, but no one said a word about me coming nor invited me (I don't like to self-invite).

We finished the game and I went to start some work on my computer, while I am working one of my co-workers comes in and asks me to cover the floors of all my other co-workers while they were out to lunch. Normally, I wouldn't have cared, but I couldn't believe the audacity and I was taken aback. I mean, honestly, I don’t know if I would have joined them, but to not be asked, and then to be asked to take their floors. It made me feel so little. Why was I not invited? Why do I feel like this happens to me often?

For the rest of that day I kept busy. I wept a little at my desk. I do not like being or even feeling rejected. The past few years these times hit me a lot more, since I have no family near me and I have had to move many times and make new friends. I feel like I try my best to invest and then am rejected. When I feel like this I just want to shut everyone out. Being single and 29, I think I understand why those people in the movies become workaholics, because what else gives you purpose if not friends and family, all one if left with is their work. Right?

Anyway, so I worked through my emotions and thought I was feeling better until this morning. I was on-call yesterday for work and got off this morning. I went to Sunday school and then to church. I sat by myself. I really hate sitting by myself, but then the church began to fill and I still was by myself. I saw people I knew passing me by to sit elsewhere... and yep, those feelings from earlier started to creep back. I moved from my seat and tried to sit in the back but it was no good. I felt so alone in a church building with people all around me... Now, I have sat by myself before. Being single you usually learn this will happen from time to time. But today I just couldn’t do it. I felt myself wanting to cry. I told myself to suck it up and be a man already but it didn’t help (hint: it usually doesn't anyway). I finally got my bible and water and left. I went to my car and drove back to my apartment. I guess part of me thinks if I am going to feel so alone, maybe I should just be alone. I don’t know... maybe I can be more distracted or let my emotions go in private.

I don’t know what to do. Being single and alone in a new city. Well, everyone has advice, everyone tells me to get outside my box. The thing is I do... and have. I try things, but as an introvert I only have so much energy and I also have limits, set-in borders that come up when I feel the need to protect myself. When I feel or sense rejection now I close and clam up, letting nothing in and nothing out, except sometimes through writing. I want to talk about it, but it always feels like I am whining, like I am needy... And maybe I am needy. I am in need to affection, of community, but where do I get such community. My family and good friends are in other towns. It is just hard having no one here I can sit with and just be myself, just unload all of this that is going on. I just want to cry sometimes, other times I want to scream. There are others times I want to yell at people, those who I have felt hurt from. Still... there are other times I want to ask questions, questions you are not allowed to ask because they would be improper: Why are you rejecting me? Why wasn’t I invited? Is there something wrong with me? Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn’t want to know I suppose. I just feel hurt today. I have all these feelings and no where to put them, no where to organize or set them. They, for now, seem stuck on the surface, welling up through my face and coming out in tears and in anger making my face flush.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write this. I will likely not share this on my FB, so these people in real life don’t know what is going on. Sharing stuff like this might make people I know in real life distance even more from me because me being so open makes them uncomfortable or because I might make them feel awkward. What sucks is I don’t want to make them feel awkward, I want them to understand what it is like for some of us, those of us who are single and on our own, who feel so alone surrounded by so many people sometimes, so many people that don’t invite us or talk to us. And I also know it is not always singles who feel alone.

I guess I am just having one of those days or weekends, sometimes things hit my like this and after a few days or a week, I will feel better. It comes in strides... I wish there was something to do about it but since it is emotions and dealing with life, all I can do is pray to God and push forward. I can still try to reach my hand out and make friends, but not be so concerned with reactions of others. All I can do is be myself and hope every so often good, strong, and deep connections might be made. When that happens, I am so thankful to God for meeting and relating to someone, someone who seems to get me in a way that so many other do not.

No comments:

Post a Comment