Weight Loss & Body Dysmorphia

To say I was ever diagnosed with Body Dysmorphia would be incorrect; however, there were signs I was dealing with this, at my largest and smallest weight in different ways. My thought process before losing weight was that only people who were Anorexic or Bolemic would deal with this concept. In the end, it has to do with similarities regarding weight and a distorted mental perception.

When I was at 325-325Lbs there were times I would exercise 1-2 Hours trying to lose weight but I would be so sore from working out I wouldn't want to workout for days or even the rest of the week. Additionally, I would get hungry from the workout and then overeat the calories I just lost. Finally, when I wasn’t losing and would plateau, I would find myself eating more food cause I was simply so stressed trying to lose that I would just let go and give in to the hunger and cravings. I would weigh myself daily and be so disappointed when I wasn’t losing. This, of course, led to stress which would then feed the cycle of self-doubt, disappointment, and giving into cravings. This was a back and forth in my body & head, a fight between want and will vs hunger and stress.

How did I break the cycle?

I had to learn to just keep going, not to give up these three things:
(1) Eat Healthy
(2) Exercise 30-45 Minutes 3-4 times weekly
(3) Portion Control (listen to my body, make sure I was eating enough).

Of course, one I started losing fast, half was on purpose and half was because I got very sick and was having stomach issues. I went from being worried I wouldn't lose to worried I would lose too much. One of the first things when losing was my fingers didn't look and feel like my own. I was use to my short and fat fingers, which were now looking longer and skinny. Later I could see my reflection in mirrors and reflections and I didn't look right, my mind couldn't perceive that I wasn't fat anymore, that I was or was becoming skinny. Some of this was also due to hanging skin, which looks like something between fat and not fat… and of course takes time for loose skin to go away. My new body was coming and my old body was going away… and I think when this happens, maybe even when its more slow, our mind has a hard time handling who we perceive ourselves to be and who was actually are in the mirror.

Now, as my stomach heals and I am now focused on maintaining my body weight, my mind seems to be finally aligning my perception with reality. I've also gone from three days cardio and one day strength to two days cardio and two days of strength. I’ve also been working a lot on my mental and spiritual self, along with the physical. Things all along seem to be coming back in to balance after years. Now, these practices and new healthy habits are ones I plan to continue into the future.

Have you ever dealt with issues of perception vs reality?

Have you ever dealt with weight issues?
- trying to lose, maintain, or gain?

Female friends who had children:
Did this come as you gained during pregnancy and then stayed the same or lost weight?

Please feel free to comment on FB, on the blog, or message me your thoughts!

~ Single Me

What We Lost Becoming Adults & How We Heal

I’ve been thinking a lot this last year, as I am coming out one one of my darkest times of my life; how I am healing, how I lost myself, and why I needed that healing in the first place? Is their a resiliency we had that over time we lost as we became adults? How did we become this way? Could our issues physically, emotionally, and spiritually be connected to ways be slowly sacrificed off parts of ourselves for different reasons? Maybe we were anxious or embarrassed or fearful, maybe we became perfectionist scared of taking risks because we might fail.

I remember as a child sitting on the carpet in front of my mom... just me with a stack of paper. I would sit for what seemed like hours drawing and coloring, no mind of time, free of worries, not thinking about the past or future – I was there in the present, just me and that free creativity. I drew for no one but myself. I kept what I liked and discarded what I didn't – not looking back, not seeing discarded pictures as failures, but stages to my success. I was my own judge of my successes, my failures, and my challenges. How did I lose that? How do we lose that over time? How and when did we become so consumed with others judgment on our lives? Maybe it was due to parents, family, friends. Maybe it was jobs or careers, where instead of enjoyment of the job itself, we were forced to meet quotas. We were told our success was based on our productivity, on the money that we earned.

I remember as a child building with Lego's. I enjoyed making buildings or ships out of those random pieces. I never got enjoyment out of the pre-made, I liked to use my own creativity. Why follow plans when I could create from my own mind. Later, I got this designing video games levels for the game “Doom 2”. The editor was easy to use and I could use my computer to make something out of nothing, creating not only challenges for those who would play but as the game designer – fitting all the pieces together so the game worked; every light, texture, enemy, door, switch all programmed from my own imagination. Why did I stop designing those levels? Why did I stop something that gave me joy?

The honest truth is I stopped because I was trying to cultivate an image of me for friends and for those who I might date in the future. At the time I was was starting to become more self-conscious about how others perceived me. “This is not something normal adults do at my age.” “If I want a wife or family, I have to stop doing things like this.” So... I stopped. I also stopped playing any computer games for the two years I did online dating. In the end, for whatever reasons at the time, online dating didn't work out for me... and I never started designing levels again. While I played computer games, I no longer shared about them. I closed off this part of myself so I wouldn't be perceived as odd or strange – instead of seeing this part of me as something beautifully different and unique.

Around this time I also stopped writing, blogging was dying and as I was in a more professional career. I was worried, fearful, and anxious something I might say would cost me my job. I also had this feeling that no one really cared for my writing, which isn't true, as people told me how much they have enjoyed my writing. Alas, I could not hear the praise over the other negative voices speaking into my mind. Instead of fighting those thoughts, trying to find a way to write in the midst of strife, even if only for myself, I caved.

These are just examples of how I cut off these parts of myself due to negative thoughts or to create some false image of myself to please others. In what ways have You lost parts of yourself between childhood and adulthood? What are things you used to do that you miss? What have you given up to please those negative thoughts, only to lose parts of your true self? What parts did you give up to please others? Were you trying to please family? Were you trying to please bosses? Were you trying to please friends, children, significant others, or spouses?

What can we do now? What can you do to gain those parts of yourself back? I believe the only way to gain from these past hurts is to look at the lie that “we would be more happy” or “others would like us more” and see what became lost in us. The truth is... to heal, we must gain back those things that were sacrificed, take back our truth, and learn again to be our authentic self.

Like a child judging his own artwork, so we must again become the judge of what gives us joy, not basing our happiness on others but on our self. In truth, while others can help, it is only each of us who can do the work to regain what was lost, to heal and save ourselves… then encouraging other to do the same.

- Daniel, Writer Once Again

The Wounds of Repeated Rejection

Emotional Wounds are tough, especially when you start noticing triggers. I decided to stop dating about a month ago. It is tough but I really didn't have a choice. Sadly, I do not fit into that world nor does dating fit into my world right now; whether that is financially, emotionally, or any other word ending in an ly.

I first noticed this when I would see an attractive female. Where a year or a few months back I would be interested to talk to her, get to know her, maybe become friends or ask her out.. well, I noticed I began to cringe inside. All those thoughts of all those times I was attracted and got rejected for relationship and friendship came flooding back. In my mind, why even approach her if it will all end up the same.

Sure she might enjoy talking to me but she might not want to be my friend. Maybe she wants to be my friend but already has a lot of friends or I like her "too much", tell her how I feel and when she rejects me I lose a friend as well. I want to be serious here when I say EVERY female I have ever told I liked them or expressed interest has rejected me and stopped being my friend after I expressed interest.

This is not to say I haven't rejected a few, maybe 2-3 females - but I have asked out far more than that over the years. Our culture is constantly saying that men are too picky, I have even had my mother tell me this one time as a suggestion why I am not meeting someone. I hate that statement because it isn't true. I have been attracted to a variety of women and typically what attracts me to them, besides cuteness, is usually their love for God.

The sad thing is, I am not sure many of the women I have asked out could say the same. Of course, I typically hold back when talking about faith considering my job and our culture, not because I want to impress but because I simply want to get to know someone. Sadly though, part of me holds back spiritually because when I opened up before I was rejected with "you are a great guy and I know you love God, but I am just not attracted to you in that way. " 

STING

The sting of rejection doesn't just affect me spiritually but emotionally and physically as well. Overeating at times, cringing when I see an attractive women, sometimes even just seeing a females great smile or hearing her laugh, which should trigger me to feel attraction and desire, these now send out warning signals, a shield, telling me to be weary, be fearful, all that is behind that smile is rejection. It is a facade. That if I pursue anything beyond mediocre conversations and casual topics, I will be the creep, the stalker, the desperate guy. I will have to face rejection all over again, time after time, after time.

And I really try not to be pissed off at God or at people in the church who are usually always married, telling me to pray more, volunteer more, stop thinking about it and she will magically appear. I try not to be bitter or resentful. I try but it is tough. The truth is we all want to be loved, to be held, hugged, live life alongside someone else, to share our experiences, our joys, and our sorrows. However, when you are single and 33 years old you don't really have an outlet for these feelings and desires, especially if you are male.

New college students are coming to my church tomorrow. The church is sending them care packages, signing them up for families to meet with them throughout the year so they feel loved and appreciated in the community. Honestly, besides on Sundays I don't feel very loved. I feel ostracized, in the church, because I am single I am not really invited into the life of the church. I am not invited to dinners or game nights when other couples open up their homes and houses. I see a new couple walk in the door and how people flock to meet them, to surround and support them, to ask them to go out to eat or to come over to their house. This doesn't happen when you are single (Ok, in two years maybe a handful of invites). I am pretty sure the church just doesn't know what to do with me... except maybe to observe me there sitting by myself in the pew, perhaps they feel pity, maybe they feel nothing, or they pray I won't be so lonely (yes, read that phrase one more time and let it sink in), that I would find a spouse when all I'd really liked is just an invite to hang with them at their house, even if the kids are running around, spitting up the oatmeal they just ate, or pooping on the floor. I guess to others they ask why would I want to be there, in that chaos. It is because I'd rather be in a community with chaos and conversation, hurting or laughter, than be alone.

Most nights after working one of my two jobs, I come home and my apartment is quiet. I go to sleep and it is quiet. I wake up and it is quiet. No one ask me how my day was, what is going on tomorrow? No one asks me if I had a good or difficult day? And there is no one for me to listen to. I want to hear all the details about others. So I browse Facebook, hoping to connect to others but most people censor themselves online. Every married person is always happy and every single is always happy. And the ones who aren't happy people try to make happy.

I try to connect but sometimes my messages are not returned, just a notification someone got on their smartphone and then ignored or forgot about. I am just  a blip on someones notifications.

I want to be more.

I try and try and try but to no avail. I am tired of trying so I've stopped caring. I scroll through my news-feed and see pictures of new babies, children growing up, relationships going on. I suppose we post about what we are proud of and for most people that is their family, their spouse, their children, their grand-kids; but when you are single you post about your new job, what you've read... but no one wants to read about how you went to the movies alone, read a book alone, called a friend on the phone, messaged someone.

You don't get Christmas cards from single people because a card with just one person seems lonely, is lonely, feels pitiful. Yet, we are alive. We live and feel. We have wants and desires too. We have the family we grew up with and thoughts of the family we might have.. and maybe the one we might never have. We grieve and are joyful for our friends who are married, we just wish that we felt like others grieved or felt joy for us at all as well. We feel lost. We feel on the outside. We are many yet feel so alone.

May God bring healing to those of us who are single and may be bring married people who live open lives so we know marriage is not all warm and fuzzy. I pray that one day the married and single divide in churches may fall. Alas, for now, this wall is held high and is thick. It will take both sides working to make it fall, tumble, and realize that married or single, we all desire and want community, and for those of faith, married or not, Christ should be are the forefront of our mind. For the singles this means crucifying our desire to be married as highest priority and for those who are married it means crucifying their spouse on a pedestal and putting God first where God belongs. Truthfully, all of us still have a lot of spiritual and emotionally work still to do.

~ Single Me

Goodbye Dating, You were a Terrible Ride

Written 08/28/2015

The last few months have been treacherous, difficult, hard, and filled with sadness for me, my soul has gone in a tail-spin, the more I have pursued dating the more terrible I have felt, the more I opened myself up to others the more I have despised and grown weary of every rejection, every smug face or pitiful look, every unanswered message of interest in dating or even interest in friendship that was never reciprocated.

Finally, after two years of trying I've decided I am done with dating. No, this is not a blog about how courtship is better. I don't know if our culture can do better, because there are so many rules and poor communication that I don't think we can do dating or courtship in a way that glorifies God, at least not unless both are willing to go the extra mile, be truthful, vulnerable, and honest.

It is just too much, I just cannot do it anymore. Much like when I pursued Youth Ministry for a while and door after door closed, so has this happened in dating; whether online or off, every single advancement, every risk, every emotional step has been filled with rejection, with no real reciprocation.

Sadly, even those women I thought I could be friends with, or wanted to be friends with and see if there was more there, nothing ever happened. This isn't to say I didn't reject anyone. I can think of one right out and another that was mutual, which means in-person I've been rejected in some form about eighteen to twenty times.

At the beginning of the month I was about to get another six-months free on Match.com and renew my subscription for ChristianMingle. I cancelled both subscriptions. Just the thought of sending another message, trying to personalize it to "her", trying to sound interesting, hoping that the other person there might see me, the real me, and respond. I just couldn't anymore.

Then a week ago I finally told God I was done, for the next three years I am putting all my effort into paying off my loans and getting to know God. I am even going to stop trying as much to make friends. I will still develop the friendships I have and make ones if they come along - but I just don't have the time or emotional energy to do all this pursuing.

Maybe just maybe, it is time for me to be pursued. Shouldn't other people have to make an effort, any effort to get to know me, friendship or dating.

So, as of this week until October 2018, my 36th Birthday, I am done dating. If God wants to throw someone in my face that may change but I am going to pursue Christ. If I date, I want to remember her name. If I date, I want to be friends. Ideally, I'd like to be friends if it doesn't work out but I've been told that by way to many females in the past. If any female tells me they want to be friends from now on, I am putting the ball in their court. I will let them know they have to make an effort or "they" are choosing to end the friendship.

Do you know, in my opinion, the problem with men and women, guys and girls being friends has nothing to do with attraction (I've been attracted to many friends who are female) and everything to do with reciprocation, and in ones ability to work through any possible awkwardness (and boundary setting) to continue to get to know this great person, instead of nicely (passively) dumping them on the side of your life-road.

I am worth more. Men are worth more. We will pursue you but women have got to put in some effort, some reciprocation.

I just cant anymore and I pray to God that he imbue me with his love and perseverance, that if I am to be single for the rest of my life that he would finally at some point bring me to complete contentment with this, that if I meet someone or not, I will be fine. I pray that God will heal my loneliness, that the bitterness I have felt towards God at times for leaving me alone (while all my friends and family get married and have children) will leave my wounded heart. I pray one day I will be able to see pictures of new relationships, engagements, weddings, and kids without feeling a deep sadness and grief, grief over what I have not had and may never have. Last week I was at a Wendy's and saw a young couple with their little daughter and son. I was two seconds from losing it.

But I am now giving these feelings up to God. So, readers, this is what happens to some at the end of their pursuits - real life - real hurt - hurt that may be healed, hurt that may one day find someone and may not - but sometimes you have to let go, to finally release that control, to refocus, to give up, to focus on other things in life, in areas and places where God has been and is already blessing you.

I am done with dating but I will forever pursue Christ, I will extend and show God's love to others, I will make myself available to the Speaking and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, and what happens will happen.

~ Single Me

The Weight of Dating as a Man (2/2)

Note: Written 07/03/2015

A few months ago I drew up the courage to re-friend a woman I use to be friends with on Facebook. We only went out on one date but hung-out for about two months. After she rejected me, she replied to a few messages for a while but then just ignored me, no replies to messages or phone calls. Then I saw her in pics with all the other friends in our friend group but me. Why? Because I wasn't invited. That is what hurt the most. I accept not hanging out one on one but to be pushed aside like we never connected, were never friends, like I never mattered or even existed in her life, that's what brought tears to my eyes. So I deleted her number and her as a friend.

When I sent her a message to re-friend her, she simply said she always was up for staying in contact with a friend from grad school. No mention we ever went out. No sorry she just felt too awkward to be friends at the time. Nothing. I let it go. I said nothing, acted like I only ever saw her in class… because what else am I supposed to do? So, I have to act like there was never anything there. Like I was nothing ever, nothing more than a mere class-mate. Like she never told me her favorite food was Chinese. Like we never talked on the phone for hours. Like we never watched movies together. All wiped away. Just gone.

And the sad thing is situations like this still happen to me. I liked a nurse at work, not just because she was physically attractive but she had a wonderful way about her as well. I gave her a note one day, figured if she was interested she would contact me, if not, no big deal. Right? After that she would never look me in the eye. She was no longer happy around me anymore. She avoided me. I played along because what was I supposed to do, call her out? And well, after such instances, to me, a woman becomes much less "wonderful".

It just saddens me because if a woman asked me out and I declined, and then I treated her like she never existed, I would be the rude man but women are free to do this to men all the time. Women can go to other women or men for support; yet who can a single guy go to for such support? For a while I would talk to other friends who were guys but after so long it starts to get depressing, you hear yourself talking in circles, and after so long you get tired of talking about it. I have grown tired of talking about it, thinking about it, writing about it. Being single is so emotionally draining and if you are male, the truth is no one really gives a damn about you being single. Lots of women write blogs and books about being single, they have an audience because men and women both care about how being single affects women. They feel for them, they care for them. Mostly, men only write about being single after they are married. Basically, no one cares about what it is like for a man trying to date, trying to go through the emotions of being the initiator (all the time). Why? Because men are supposed to be the strong ones, the solid ones, the confident ones, and never the ones who feel lonely, unsure, or emotional.

I am tired of the "game" of dating. I feel like giving up but if I don't try, as I did in the past, nothing ever happens - unlike the numerous stories I have heard. No pain, no gain I suppose. But I feel like dating is mostly pain and not very much gain at all. You are told to be yourself and yet the more you date, the more you start to feel that women do not want to see and know you, they want to see and be with their perception of you. They don't want a flawed person but the perfect boyfriend. Meanwhile I really want to know these women I have dated, who are they? How did they get to this point in time? I'm not saying I haven't rejected a few but out of about twenty dates in the last two years; I've rejected two that I remember.

I told a friend that I look at dating as saying yes to someone until I have a reason to say no. Honestly, I now feel that most women tend to date and look at men in the opposite way, to say no unless they have a reason to say yes. I think this is what leaves men in the back-row and women up front wondering: Where are all the good men? Why are they not asking us out?

We want to ask you out. I would ask out many more women if I didn't have to deal with all of the drama that seems to happen after. At work or church, whoever you ask out is very likely to tell others, so if you ask out too many, you come across as a player. Then, not only will you be turned down but you also come across as desperate and everyone knows you have been rejected. Then, no one wants to date you and women look at you like you are a creeper and will start treating you differently, where they once talked to you they will now only say one-word answers or avoid you.

I don't have answers.

I just hate what I see.

I wish things were different.

I wish women were more open to men.

I wish a romantic rejection didn’t mean a rejection as a person.

Still, this is simply how it is…

~ Single Me

The Weight of Dating as a Man (1/2)

I wanted so hard for things to be different. For so long I thought if I lost weight, if I gained confidence, if I put myself "out there" things would change. I've come to understand that while our culture would have you think guys are the ones who cannot commit, who decline dates, who drag women around; none of this is my experience, in fact, my experience is the opposite.

The truth is, women seem to give off mixed messages and I believe this is not on purpose but because many of them do not know what they want or are simply not willing to put forth the effort. Why put effort into a relationship, or a friendship, when you can pull out your feminine card that states men have to be the pursuers and initiators?

However, even in this, women still win because when men they do not like and/or are not attracted to do pursue them, they can just label the guy as a creep or stalker, instead of as a guy who was interested in them and asked them a question or started a conversation (Yes, I do know real stalkers do exist but it is also a phrase used to speak of men they find unappealing that talk to them or are around them).

I've grown up in the church hearing all the time about how men should be leaders, how they should respect their "sisters" in Christ, how they should respect women for their minds and not merely see them as objects. Yet, I hear very little about how women should respect their "brothers" in Christ, not lie if they don't want to be friends, put effort into friendships and relationships with men, and treat men as people - ones they like and do not like.

I'm tired of women saying all men are shallow, of having to watch movies like "Shallow Hal" that depict guys as having standards that are too high and not being open to other women that are around them. I have put myself out there in online dating. Honestly, I have likely messaged somewhere between 500-600 women and gone on about 20 dates in the last two years. Most of these dates were before I took on a second job. I just have less time now to personalize each message and I feel "bad" if I do not. Ironically, I think when I mass messaged women I got more dates. I don't want "more dates" because I just want to find a person I connect with; yet the only way to find that person is to go out on more dates, to get more responses... effectively to mass message and forget the notion that I "should" care and "should" personalize each message.

I'm just tired of the whole process. I'd like to meet women in-person but most of the ones I have approached either have had boyfriends or ignore me after I get rejected. I wish women knew, really understood that, at least for myself, I can take a rejection for a relationship all day; however, when you just stop talking to me, begin ignoring me, and if we were friends and now you never talk to me, that is what hurts. That is what insults me, wounds me, and makes me feel sick.

I spent all that effort getting to know you, deciding you seemed like a good enough female to get to know better, maybe even date. Then, instead of being flattered and simply declining me but still acknowledging my existence, you ignore e-mails, you give one-word answers, and you never after that rejection ever ask me about myself - and if the tables were turned, If I ignored you, I would be the rude one, the one with the issue, the one who can’t handle rejection. It is the silence that kills me, the acting like we never talked.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 3 of 3)

Thoughts After 40 Days

05/19/2015

For the first day or two it was a struggle but then I found myself keeping up with a few friends through e-mails, texts, or phone calls. Also, getting off Facebook gave me the space to think about what is important to me and I discovered it was connecting with people in-person, or at least though Skype or phone calls.

Still, our world of technology fights a lot against this; people are now far more comfortable e-mailing, texting, and "socializing" on Facebook. The problem is that Facebook isn't real, well in a sense at least. Facebook is what we post so others can know us, but I think we tend to filter out all the things we get with friends in real life, like tone of voice, body language, as well as the complexities of life; the good, the sad, and the funny.

I'm still going to be on Facebook on and off. I'm still going to write blogs, though I've chosen to remove a lot of recent posts/shares from my public blog and Facebook profile. As much as some like writing (and sharing on Facebook), I think people tend to have a sort of voyeur-like stance at times to reading my blogs, since I see many views yet normally no comments, perhaps a few "likes".

If I am honest, while my writings about faith seem to get comments and discussion, my personal writings about life, love, dating, being single, and friendship seem to give off the wrong impression. I had hoped writing some personal things would help people to open up, add discussion; instead I think it makes my life seem sad worth pity instead of as courageously honest. I read a book earlier this year, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, in it, she writes about a man who spoke to her:

"[As men] we have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us.... [Women would] rather see me die on the top of my white horse than watch me fall of."

Then the author replies:

"[Women] ask [men] to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it."

I think most men cannot handle it either.

Real honesty is tough and I think when people emotionally expose themselves, others tend to recoil, to feel sorry for them, to pity them. What they do not know is how to do is respond with them, to discuss, or to be vulnerable themselves (unless they can be anonymous it seems). I've wondered why men and women who struggle socially, emotionally, or with addictions always wait until long AFTER to write or speak of their experiences. It is because being that open and vulnerable hurts ones reputation. Basically, no one wants to be friends or socialize with people who they know are sad, suffering, hurting, or lonely; people want to be friends with people who are fun, adventurous, and funny. The reality is we are all of these, a few might admit it behind closed doors, but admit such things openly and you  commit social and professional suicide, especially if you are male.

Writing is tough, especially when your inspiration comes mostly from a vulnerable place. I've decided others don't need to see these vulnerable places, mostly because they are only part of who I am, and as I set out to make new friends and date, such honesty, such vulnerability does nothing for me personally. I will still write, (oh will I write!) but a lot less will be public.

Perhaps when I am old and grey, or at least married with kids and have a good social network, I can put my past writings out there. Maybe it will help others who are struggling themselves to know that there are others out there who feel the same, who are great people. Still, while the world can hold their interesting and fun self, it simply cannot bear to face vulnerability and doubt. In fact, the world will emotionally and socially drain and slay those who dare to be so open.

The only thing to do is chose to be open with a few close family and friends, those people who have earned the right to see my struggles, my darkness because they also see my light and reciprocate sharing their light and darkness, their ups and downs, their joys and struggles as well.

It is sad but right decision. The game of life is that, we put on a show, we set up an image to others, performing on a stage - and only those worthy should ever be given the time and space to see the whole of who we are, behind the set, and as far as I am concerned the others are simply not worth my time or attention. I refuse feed their voyeur-like interest in me or to be pitied by them. I am worth more. I am more.

They would know if they were willing and put forth effort.

I now know though, most simply will not.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 2 of 3)

Thoughts after Ten Days of Facebook

04/14/2015

I took a fast from Facebook to quiet my mind but also to face myself. Who am I? Who am I by myself? Who am I when I am not connected online? Would others reach out? When I feel absence, would I wallow in loneliness, would I eat in excess? If God's voice is found in the stillness, can I coax him out? Without all the noise, can HE hear my heart as it yearns for Him. Can I hear His voice when the distractions are silenced, cut off. Is it ok not to know what movie others are watching?

Will it help me not to feel so alone if I don't have to see pictures of my happily married friends and some of them with their children, knowing, at my age, the older I get the possibility for both in my life lessen, decrease? Is it good for me not to see all the pictures of extravagant vacations or mission trips, knowing that a month ago I worked 40 days in a row between my two jobs, trying to pay down this student debt. I simply cannot afford such luxuries in my life. No one is helping me. I am on my own.

I want to have those pictures, that life, but it isn't what I have, not who I am, at least not now, not yet. In truth, it may never be - and I'm sure for every smiling face there are arguments, for every vacation out, there are times of boredom and loneliness at home, for every mission or retreat, the reality of returning home.

Here, in the ordinary, between our desires and our realities; what we have, want, and need. In the complexities, this is where life is found... if we are honest. Facebook is a facade as much as an online dating profile; for as much as we try to use text, pictures, and videos, shares, likes, and writings - these are not us, not me.

That is the lie. We "connect" online and keep our distance in real life. We sacrifice voice for text, presence for an e-mail, a comment for a like; and with each step we have separated ourselves, we feel connected but aren't, not to others really, and certainly not to ourselves. Who are we apart from technology? Who are we apart from our online "social" self? We are millions of people logging on alone. What we once used to connect and help us meet others in-person we now use so we never have to meet in-person, never hear another’s voice, never have to see their face.

We have already begun to lose part of what makes us human, true connection. We fool ourselves, saying we are not addicted, not consuming - but we are the ones being consumed, being force-fed lies, unrealistic expectations. The only way to find ourselves again is to refuse to believe the lie, to disconnect.

Perhaps this means balance, moderation, or giving up the thing we believe connects us but actually divides us and leaves us alone. I wonder if even one Facebook friend will e-mail or call me out of 300 "friends" while I am offline. Honestly, I am skeptical. Who are my real "friends" anyway? How do we define "friends" anymore? Do they merely "like" a status update once a year? Do they say Happy Birthday and nothing more?

I'm not sure but I feel like I am beginning to see, like I am on the precipice of something new, something transformative. May God guide my heart and show me: What is true connection? What does it mean to be and have real friends, real community, and let go of everything else? What does it meant to spend my time and energy only on those worthy of my thoughts and affections?

We will see.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 1 of 3)

Thoughts after Day One

04/07/2015

It hits me when I open my web browser. I am not use to Facebook being gone. Usually Facebook is on a tab, already opened, and signs me in automatically. Now I only have e-mail, a few blogs, and Netflix opened.

Facebook. What once was a place to connect with friends and family, to make plans to meet or call or share, has become (to me) a facade. I became a facade. People would like or comment on funny videos or pictures but when I would bear my soul, those posts were typically comment-less.

I would spend my time sending messages to friends (at times) to talk on the phone, Skype, or meet in-person, only to receive no replies, get cancelled on at the last minute, be told they were "too busy", or that something came up. The thing is, something always came up. Once or twice is fine, stuff happens, but when a pattern develops one notices. You just wouldn't expect it with people who you thought, at least, were good friends with you at the time.

Moving from Texas to New York was tough and I thought Facebook would keep me connected to everyone but somehow in the last few years, I've realized the sad truth: Facebook has replaced real communication. Where there was once tone of voice or body language there are pictures posted of everyone having a happy smile, text messages, status updates, and blog entries.

So many of us are lonely, desiring connection and friendships (I know this from when I do occasionally get people to actually message me back or somehow get offline to talk); yet we sit behind our technology, projecting an image of ourselves that isn't us at all.

We find ourselves lying to our friends about who we really are... if Facebook friends are really true "friends" at all anymore. Married people are too busy and I often feel as if they pity me for being single, instead of valuing me as a friend who happens to still be single (segregated from their other married friends, left out when those get-togethers are planned). Often, I feel like through others eyes I have some insufficiency, some kind of social disease I need to be cured of being single, like if they get too close, perhaps they will catch it as well and die a slow death.

I don't really have any single male friends anymore, as most of them have become married. Actually, most people my age are married. Nowadays I rarely hear from them. I have a few single friends who are female but mostly those friendships exists purely on Facebook, perhaps a few messages per year on and off, typically initiated by me.

Almost all attempts now to initiate real-live friendships are usually not reciprocated; either by lack of response, business, or passive resistant passages, like "Let me see how my schedule is for next week, let me get back to you, yeah we should totally do that sometime" - only, after silence is all that follows.

I remember a time when friends shared life and now we share Facebook statuses. I remember when we use to laugh at life, now we laugh at Memes and YouTube videos along is our homes. I remember when we use to pray together and now we type "Praying for you". We lack real life follow-through anymore.

We have seemingly lost a lot of true connections. We are blind. We do not even see how much we have given over ourselves, sacrificed deep friendships for shallow ones. We "connect" online but it is more like observing. We do not even need to comment anymore when we can "like". We do not need to write a blog when we can tweet. We do not need to call when we can send a text. The black hole of technology is sucking us in, emotionally leaving us numb, alone, isolated, sad, and depressed. Yet, we log on each day, hoping to find connection on that screen.

I am tired of this farce. Tired of scrolling through a news-feed, an endless progression of posts by people I haven't seen in person or heard from in months, even years. Ironically, some have likely never even sent me a message or commented on one thing I've ever posted or shared. Often, I feel like we are more "spying" on each other than friends, voyeurs into each-others’ lives, observing, lurking in the shadows of Facebook to see what others are saying and doing.

But why? What are we so very afraid of connecting? Are we now at a point where we fear connection? Are we at a point where talking on the phone, on Skype, or meeting in-person is just too much? Have we lost the ability to connect, human to human, soul to soul, heart to heart?

I got off Facebook for 40 days; I wanted to "Log Off", to quiet myself, to stop feeling lonely in a place with so many "friends". I want to stop being bombarded by others who are in relationships, getting married, having children - while I am single, struggling to make friends, date, and am working two jobs to pay down student loan debt so my future, which hopefully includes a wife and family, will be not be so limited.

I wish I had the time and money to travel, to be more involved at church, take classes for fun to meet others, or to go on fancy vacations to interesting places. That is not my life. Real life is tough. Tough is NOT for Facebook. I would rather Log Off and be alone by myself than keep logging on, seeing those things, and feeling worse in what is ironically such a "social" and "happy" place.

Facebook is a party of people, all living out there lives; yet when you try to get their attention, try to get them out of the room and into the real world, people disappear. You never know what’s going on with them, except for what they post. You are friends with mysteries, mysteries who only let things be known by what they post and you can’t be quite sure anymore who any of them truly are outside of your news-feed and their profile page. We are our own press agents.

End of Day One

~ Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(3/3)

What does this mean for those who are Married:

(1) Singles Want to be Your Friend

You have no idea how frustrating it is to become friends with married people. Singles want to be your friends, to become friends or to maintain friendships with you. Often we are relegated to a lower social status or circle when being single. This means friends get married and suddenly tend to spend all their time with other couples, new people they have met. Sometimes a single meets a couple, tries to initiate a friendship and is shut down. We don’t care if your house is dirty or if your kids will be hanging around. We want to share life with you. And sometimes single friends make great free babysitters (just sayin)... but we aren’t doing that unless you are a true friend.

(2) Invite us to do Something

I find with a lot of my married friends that I have to be the one to invite them to do something. Just do not invite, hang, and befriend us out of pity. I do not pity you for being married or having children, so don't pity me for being single.

(3) Give us suggestions for Friendships and Dating

Most single are looking for someone. We do not want to be alone but it is difficult to ask others for help in a world that assures us in our Independence and self-sufficiency we can find someone by ourselves. Stats state; however, that most married people are introduced through family and friends. Why not have an open ear and heart regarding this towards your single friends. Don't feel we have to like them or things have to work out, but we will appreciate the thoughts and effort. Of course to do this, you have to actually have friends who are single.

(4) Hear us (and Reciprocate)

We long to be heard, truly heard and not pitied; however, friendships go both ways and sometimes friendships with those who are married are very one-way. The single expresses themselves and the married person listens, gives advice, and says have a nice day. Where is the reciprocity? Any true friendship has reciprocity. Let us know how things are going for you. You don't have to talk bad about your spouse. You have other things likely going on. Asking for our advice lets us know you respect and care for us as a person and friend, that you value our opinion.

~Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community”(2/3)

What does this mean for those who are Single?
(1) Stop Looking Down on Yourself
You are a wonderful, unique, and awesome creation of God. You, all by yourself, are a wonderful and interesting being. You do not have to have anyone else to make you whole. You have your own identity, your own interest and hobbies. Develop that identity; deepen who you are in Christ. This will help you know yourself, and help you to build a wider community of friends.

(2) Say Yes to Being the Third (or 5th or 7th) Wheel
It can be odd, yes some married or those in relationships can make it very odd - but the truth is it doesn't have to be. You will be able to find married friends who value you and do not throw your singleness and their married-ness in your face. Invest in friendships with others who want to know you. Also, be willing to be both encouraged and challenged by those whom are married. And most importantly, feel free to encourage and challenge those who are married as well.

(3) Know Married People Have Problems
Like those who are single, married people have problems as well. They have two careers. Two lives they are attempting to mingle. Two sets of good and not-so-good qualities. Just as singles have issues, so do married people. Being friends with married people gives you a chance to stop romanticizing dating or being in a relationship. Yes, have hope and feel free to be romantic, but be realistic and know relationships take hard work and you'll want to have a best friend by your side.

(4) Have Opposite Sex Friendships
I know you are afraid of how it may look. Others might think you like this person (and you may or may not like them). It will be awkward at times. You'll have to work on setting boundaries, especially if your friends are in a relationship or married. But let’s be honest, the real reasons Christians don't do this is because we are afraid other people will look down on us, we may come across as too forward, or we are worried about our own confusions or possible attractions. Here is the question: Do you believe that friendship is worth the risk or do you want your life to be ruled by fear? That is the real question. Besides, what better way is there to work on communication, setting boundaries, and getting the inside-scoop; than having opposite-sex friendships. And who knows, a friendship with a single female may turn into something else.

What Does this Mean for Those who are Married?

To be continued...

~ Single Me

Inviting Singles into the Church’s “Married Community” (1/3)

Understand the Stats on Singles in the Church and Why they Exist:

The truth is most of the church caters to those who are married (with children). The church does not cater to singles; those who have never been married, those who are widowed, divorced, or celibate. There is a huge hole in church ministry, for despite the fact that singles in America (and the American church) now make up 50% of the population there is a lack of community and friendship between these singles and their married counterparts. Look in any church and ask if half of those sixteen or older are single and you have your answer.

How does this happen?

First, many adolescents stop attending church by choice; whether by lack of interest, conflicting activities, or friendships. Additionally, many stop attending church once they get into college either questioning their upbringing or they stop going since they are no longer “required” to attend (they lack a solid personal spiritual foundation). For those who do still attend the difference isn’t truly felt when singles are in college or graduate schools as there are often many opportunities to pursue (and places that provide) community. Sadly, those singles left at ages 22-25 try to attend some church for a while but normally end up dropping out until years later when they are married and have kids, around age 35*.

Understand Those Who are Single:

Perhaps you are single and your friends are in relationships or getting married. Perhaps you are in a relationship and feel scared of moving forward or of ending it. Scared to be alone and scared to fight for what you want and desire most.

Singles live in a world of fear. Fear we cannot speak about because it shows our faults, our vulnerabilities, our weaknesses. The question that begs to be answered is: Why am I still single? And if singles dig deeper the scarier questions: What is wrong with me? Or Is there something wrong with me? Why can't I find someone I connect with? Someone I'm attracted to? Someone who will walk alongside me in life? Someone who will be there when I wake up and when I go to sleep? At first many of us have roommates to help possible feelings of alone-ness or loneliness, but as people move out to get married or pursue careers, we have the relegated options of living with our parents or living alone. We opt for alone. We know no other acceptable way, especially for males.

I felt after publishing the series I wrote a few months ago, "The Truth About: Being Single", that it might be beneficial to say that what I wrote, the feelings and thoughts, do not have to be the end of the story for those of us who are single, or even a part of the story at all. We as the church, as brothers and sisters in Christ, can create a new story, a new Kingdom community, one where we are not bound by class, gender, marital status, or any number of things which tend to separate and divide us.

But to reach past this issue here takes intentionality...

Intentionality on those single and those married.

To be continued…

~ Single Me

Links*

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/09/15/for-the-first-time-there-are-more-single-american-adults-than-married-ones-and-heres-where-they-live/

http://www.pri.org/stories/2014-09-14/singles-now-outnumber-married-people-america-and-thats-good-thing

http://www.forbes.com/sites/timworstall/2014/09/11/the-us-is-becoming-more-european-half-of-adult-americans-are-now-single/

http://media.bonnint.net/dn/0/78/7841.jpg

http://www.pewforum.org/2010/02/17/religion-among-the-millennials/

On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (2/2)

In a world where friendships are fleeting and people seem to be forgetting each other, how long before those in the church stop being friends and just people all attending a ritual event each week? How long before people in the church stop trying to meet new people or introduce singles to other singles?

In a culture where friendships are zip-and-done, how do we disciple others to follow Christ if we can’t even understand how Jesus called someone his "friend". In a culture that hails in high-esteem individualism and public image, how willing are we to be daring, to be brave, to be courageous? If we can’t even be friends, can we be brothers and sisters in the faith? If not, then how are we different from the world? Then, are we not merely full of selfish ambition, only seeing our own self-importance? Where is the care for the other?

What will the future of friendships become?

These questions need to be asked and are far from being answered, far from even being known, since the internet and texting are still relatively new technology in our culture. Still, even now I often find myself questioning if the benefits outweigh the potential downfall. I often wonder if I closed my Facebook how many "friends" would notice and reach out? If I refused to ever reply to a text but required friends to meet with me in-person, talk on the phone, or through Skype - How many friends would oblige? How many would take the time to sit and talk, to carve out time?

In a world where friendships are fleeting, expendable, disposable - the next step is that all others beside us become the same. We become a world full of self-seeking narcissist, all competing to see who has amassed the most wealth, the greatest status, and the greatest number of friends on Facebook and followers on Twitter. We live lives of no depth, no care, no concern.

I see this tide coming. I try to fight against it but it seems like a wave coming to overtake, like a hurricane coming towards the shore. One person or even a few cannot fight this wave of disillusionment. However, if each of us would make a change, if each one would do something different; put down their smart phone and speak to a stranger, sit down with a new friend, delete those “friends” on Facebook who we haven’t conversed with in years, or simply call up an old friend to catch up.

Well, we just might have a chance at having significant friendships.

Friendships with Significant Depth.

~ Single Me

On the Tide of (Fleeting) Friendships (1/2)

I remember a time, a time when friendships were in-person, a time when friends met in-person instead of over the phone or through the internet or a text. I remember actually hearing people’s voices, seeing their body language and picking up on all the nuances from knowing and seeing someone in the flesh.

Friendships like this are sadly becoming abnormal, so it seems.

In our world of busy-is-good, where we are always seeking to reach out with and through the newest kind of technology, I fear while we may gain, we are losing something terrible at the same time, human connection. I am trained in a profession where I learn how to listen, how to hear, how to be; yet I see increasingly that the world is moving at a faster pace. Stillness is not a virtue. What we don't realize is when we give up being able to sit still and talk, we give up the ability to listen, we give up depth, we give up being vulnerable, we give up friendships, and we give up community. We become millions of individuals all connected through technology but most of us only related on the shallowest level of friendship possible.

When we cannot sit still, all the friends we make seem deep at first until we move onto the next thing. The problem is, there is always a next thing and we develop the seeming inability to make a new friend, reconnect with the friend we made last week, or friend we have't spoken to in years. We have already run miles from that context and are so wrapped up in our own world we forget and are often blind to those we have left behind... and for those of us who realize this is going on, we may feel it is us who have been left behind.

It seems like with this fast-paced world, you can meet a friend in a certain context; at school, church, or work - but when you try to initiate contact outside of that mutual context, things tend to get awkward. It's initiating us out of our comfort zone. We have unknowingly labeled that person, regulated them to a specific part of our life and out of that comfortable context we seemingly have no idea what to do with that friendship. 

In our world where everything has to be labeled, we have lost the art of good conversation, good communication, and knowing that it is acceptable and even good perhaps to make ourselves go through situations or friendships that are undefined, unclear, awkward, vulnerable, even daring.

~ Single Me

The Truth About: Being Single (4/4)

Dear Lord, please guide me in friendships and potential relationships, open my eyes to see genuine people and help to know when to put myself out there and when to save my time and energy. Help me to always put you first. Help me to be content if I should marry or if I should stay single. Help me to remember my contentment isn't based on marital status but based on your life, on your love, and grace. Help me to remember while friends come and leave, whether I am married or single, that you remain constant.

Help me to remember your loving-kindness to me no matter wherever or whoever I am; single or married. Help me to remember in Your Kingdom such differences which to us seem huge actually matter very little compared to your goodness. We are of one body, brothers and sister in Christ.

Help me to remember that I can learn from those who are married and those who are parents. Help others to know they can learn from me as well, only I must be willing to speak.... Help me to speak. help others to speak up, to speak out, that we may not hide in the darkness of superiority or fear, of pride and perfection, or lack of identity and a good self-image. Help us to lay down our defenses, turn to one another, to support one another, in our sorrows as well as in our joys.

Help us not to forget our importance is not based on marital status but on knowing you and making you known to others, by being a light in this darkened world. Help us when our priorities are skewed, when our desires might not have you first. Let us know you hear our heart... but let us not be so focused on our wants and desires that we forget our need for you, that we forget to be thankful for the good things we have in this life.

Also, help us to persevere and keep focused. 

Life is full of easy distractions. A-men.

~ Single Me

Image: 1

The Truth About: Being Single (3/4)

From November 2013 through June 2014 I wholeheartedly put myself into the world of online dating. Despite all the messages sent and hours upon hours spent on these sites, I only ever went on about ten dates, some being chats on Skype when distance was an issue. While I know many others who met this way, even as one who is more introverted and enjoys writing, I began to find online dating very unperson-able and detached. I missed actually meeting and getting to know someone, in-person.

Most people online project an image to attract others, sometimes it is older pictures of how they used to look while other times they have pictures of all the trips and fancy places they have visited. Most want a relationship ideally but don't seem bold or brave enough to do the one thing that truly matters, be themselves. Of course, that takes vulnerability.

There were some occasions on dates where women would passively belittle the place I chose to go or some interest that I enjoyed. Other times I would express an opposing view on something and they would be taken aback. I could tell this is not what they desired, for what they seemed to expect was someone to agree with them on everything, to find only commonalities. True, while commonalities and interest are important, what I found through all of this was that differences make us unique and interesting.

More than anything I found out I want a woman who will disagree with me, who will challenge and encourage me, to throw me off my game and keep me on my toes. I don't desire someone who will change me but instead someone who will make me think and who will call me out in truth when needed. This, of course, would be reciprocal.

However, after months of online dating, of beginning to feel detached, I decided to pull back, at least from being so intentional and spending so much time. I really feel like I get more out of meeting real people, making real friends and being around others with whom I can be myself, instead of feeling like I have to project a certain image, facade, and send the perfect message to connect at all. I've learned when it comes to dating, it is far less important to focus on the when and how and instead to focus on the who, on the character and depth of a person, as well as their intellect, humor, and of course their commitment to Christ.

 

Today while working I sat with a man weeping and yelling, his wife had just died suddenly. He truly cared for her deeply. That is what I want. Despite feelings of loneliness, I do not want to just get into a relationship or marriage with anyone, to simply not be alone. And as difficult as this journey has been, I also do not want to just give up either. There is something to be said for persistence and perseverance, for finding strength in our weakness, for believing that God can and does still do amazing things. And it is for those things and people we care about the most deeply that we struggle, work, weep, and cry.

So, I press forward, I grow in this; unable to know the eventual outcome until my life unfolds completely. But I do know that I am kept in Christ, that when everything else is stripped away, when others are taken away, when all else fails, still.. Christ remains.

To God be the glory, always. A-men!

~ Doubledb
10/12/2014

Images: 1 : 2&3 =BMW DVD: Season 1

The Truth About: Being Single (2/4)

What you do not see and do not hear, are all the things singles hide from you. those singles not seeing anyone or who are dating but hide their feelings of inadequacy and doubt. Some dating or in a relationship hide the same things, all fearful of the unknown, of being hurt, but desiring to put themselves out there to find love and also avoid the biggest fear of all - facing the future alone.

Sure we start out with friends, but as one grows older, as one moves, friends get engaged, married, have kids, and start families. These things create distance, couples find friends with others couples and parents with other parents. Over time singles get use to being alone, having friendships drop; the un-returned calls, e-mails, messages.. it all just becomes the norm. This is simply the way of things.

The single learns to invest wisely in friendships, for these are the people who choose to stand beside you in good or bad times; yet there is a slight reluctance to put too much effort into friendships sometimes, as some can be fickle and few of us find good-quality friends that will reciprocate in ways we want - even more-so in ways we need.

Oh, there is certainly joy in our life. There are hobbies and interest, not all is perpetually sad or confusing, not all is alone-ness, but somewhere, in all the ways we will try to distract ourselves; all the books we read alone, all the movies and TV shows, the additional jobs we take, and even the times we volunteer. It is there. In the background, always there is the question: Will I always feel alone? Will I always be alone? Will God provide me friends? Will God provide me a spouse? These questions surface the most as singles try to sleep or as they rise early, in the silence of those times. This is part of the single life.

But all is not wanting, all is not alone-ness, for there is pursuit and being pursued, feelings of anticipation mixed with caution, nervousness mixed with excitement, feelings while trying to maintain some logic and sanity.

~ Single Me

Image: 1: 2

The Truth About: Being Single (1/4)

Single, married, divorced, parents, rich, poor... most of us hide our insecurities, issues, troubles, trials, struggles, longings, and questions. Someone always has to be the first one to open up, start the conversation, break the proverbial ice. The problem is... opening up is scary.

A few weeks back I wrote a post about forsaking fear-based living, one of the things I fear opening up and writing about is being single. First, not everyone needs to know your personal stuff nor your deep and inner thoughts. Secondly, by opening up and writing, not only does one get to have such thoughts and feelings released, but these thoughts may help another person along the way. At least, the hope for a writer is that the words will not just go out into the dark void of the internet and the hope for a conversation if the other person doesn't just respond to such depth by sitting in stunned silence or running from you as if you were on fire. If this happens often, you might consider getting new friends, just a suggestion.

The truth is, I don't like to write about being single. Being single is confusing. Obviously I've been confused for a while now. It is also vulnerable, especially writing about it, opening up about the thoughts and feelings that well up inside. Most of the time this is simply too difficult, too taxing, and most of us, including myself, leave this part of our life silent, except maybe for a select few.

It means opening up a part of yourself you would rather keep hidden from others, and even from yourself. It means letting others into a part of your life in which you may feel the most inept, most unsure, even bitter. Even though I do write about being single occasionally on my public blog, it is only in general broad strokes, usually from an intellectual, not emotional, level, for this is far easier (and safe) than putting the whole truth out there.

If I could pick one show that is the closest to how it feels to be single, I'd say "How I Met You Mother" is the closest for me. Ten Seasons and Ted only meets his wife (the mother) at the very end. The show is all about his struggles and joys, not just in finding his wife but in his friendships and in finding his own identity: How do I approach failure? How do I deal with married and single friends? Friends with children? How do I deal with feelings of alone-ness, confusion, and even joy by myself? If I share such feelings with others, to whom do I share? These are questions the show tackles with its brand of humor mixed with drama, comedy mixed with emotion, laughter mixed with truth.

Still, the one truth that I have found is that while no single 'dates Jesus', He is our friend, our teacher, our center. God is ever-present with us, as well as the Holy Spirit as our guide and counselor. When we lose our focus on these truths, our (pursuit of) friendships and relationships become idols.

~ Single Me

Image: 1 : 2

I Don't Believe in "The One"

How a Professors Words Changed my Thoughts on Dating & Marriage

When I was in college...
I remember the day my Old Testament professor said these words:
“I don't believe in the one.”

GASP

This shocked everyone: How could he not believe in finding the one? How could he not believe in love? He's married, right? Doesn't he believe in God's plan for us all? Especially this was astonishing and disconcerting to the females who asked: And how does your wife feel about this? The professor with a thoughtful yet stoic face replied that she knew and agreed.

Slowly a smirk and grin began to appear on his face. This is when he began to speak that, of course, he believes in love; however, we are ever-saturated by a world and media that shows us these exhilarating love stories, how two people meet in the most random way, at the perfect time, and both of course are super-attractive.

The problem is that none of that is real life. A real love story is complex, has layers. Love takes action, time, and wisdom to find and grow. It takes sacrifice. Real love desires but respects. It is something in our control and yet seemingly out of our control at the very same time. However, real love is always a choice. A choice we make each and every day one way or the other.

Indeed, love is formed from every choice made. Every new friendship made, every time you shake a hand or say hello; every invitation, message, and conversation you have is a choice, whether initiating or reacting. Any love, any bond; friendship, relationship or marriage is based on choice.

Then my professor made a point I have never forgotten. He said he believed there are many potentials of someone to love. There are many people you could fall in love with, connect to through physical attraction, intellect, humor, music, and faith.

He told us we would meet many of these people before and after getting married. However, when you walk with someone, get married, and make that commitment, and then journey with that person in life – then and only then does that person become the one, your one; you for them and them for you. Not based off fate or two half’s becoming whole but based on attraction, wisdom, friendship, choice, commitment, and the life-long bond that creates.

Then when you meet someone else who might know more, be more humorous, or even more attractive. You can appreciate these qualities but that person is not the one. The one is the person with whom you are married, committed, and faced life with through all of its highs and lows, obstacles and challenges, joys and celebrations. At one time meeting such a person, they might have been a potential one, now they are others; acquaintances and friends.

It is this truth, he said, that holds and bonds a marriage together and keeps temptations to go after others, to wonder what-if, and even to get divorced at bay. It's about choice, commitment, and a shared life – not finding the one. So, I don't believe in the one, he said...

You become one over time.

~ Single Me

Meeting Leslie: Part 3

The last few months have been very confusing for me. Before "Leslie" left for college she kept putting off seeing a movie with me.. maybe next week she kept saying. Then I said I thought it would be better if we did not hang out one-on-one since she had a boyfriend. I tried to message her a few times that month and she just kept saying she was busy.

So, I met up with her when I went to go do an orientation for my second job in another city. She was supposed to get a group together, which happened to be one other person who ended up leaving before I got there, so I said we could go ahead and meet since I was already in town. We had a good time, at least I enjoyed spending a little while talking to her. We did hug as I left.

A few weeks later I got her address to sent her some of my books to borrow, related to something we had talked about when I talked with her. Shortly after I suggested we try to catch-up on Skype or through a phone call. She seemed genuinely interested and told me she made time on her calender. Since our schedules had both been so crazy I was excited to get to speak to her in person, because I tire of the internet, even if I do like to write... being away from friends and family so much makes you crave real interactions with peoples tone, humor, body language, and actually seeing their face.

So the day came and I was ready to get on Skype in an hour to chat with her when I see a new message. I just knew this was bad. I think I almost knew this was coming. She was going to cancel on me. Sure enough, my fears were true. She and her boyfriend had a talk (in the three hours since we had confirmed meeting that night on Skype) about hanging out and talking to someone of the opposite sex on the phone or on Skype.

Stab!

I replied that I understood but I was sad, though I couldn't truly admit why I was hurt. My brain told me I was stupid, because she has a boyfriend, what are you doing? I told my brain I was trying to be friends, at least, try to continue to connect with her, even if I cannot tell her how I feel right now, especially now with this. My feelings told me to feel horrible, that it was ok, that my brain was stupid and over thinks everything anyways, sometimes it is ok to follow your heart, to try to connect with someone, and when that connection is blocked, it is ok to be sad and grieve a little.

So, We can still do group things, only with our schedules and her being out of town... I'm just not sure how much that will really work. I try to remind myself that friendships take months and years to form, and relationships that potentially grow out of a friendship take time as well. Still, I keep finding myself asking God: Why am I in this situation? Why did I meet this women? Why did I meet her now when she has a boyfriend and not at some other time? I mean, it would have been much more convenient otherwise, right? But that is simply not how real life works.

So, this is where I find myself. I included her in a message with friends for some group stuff I'm trying to plan, though I don't know if any of it will work out or if she will even be free. Frankly, I don't know what I am doing or why I care to try so much here. I guess when you feel you connect with someone, that urge can be very strong and since I don't find myself connecting with a lot of people where I live, I guess I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I think she is worth the effort, even if it is only friendship... but I question how much effort and when does it make sense to stop.

I pray God guide me and direct me here. I've always felt a disconnect between God and my dating life. I am sure he is there and is involved, I'm just not always sure exactly how. But still, I press forward. I'm not saying I am not looking to make other friends or wouldn't be open to meeting or dating anyone else if that happened, but if the last year has taught me something, it is that finding, making, and keeping friends in this new place is going to be very difficult. People have other friends and routines, so new people mostly have to be invited into this system, trying to create one of your own from the random people you meet and know seems almost impossible here.

And so my story keep unfolding,

Though I am not ever quite sure exactly where it is going.

~ Single Me