The Weight of Dating as a Man (2/2)

Note: Written 07/03/2015

A few months ago I drew up the courage to re-friend a woman I use to be friends with on Facebook. We only went out on one date but hung-out for about two months. After she rejected me, she replied to a few messages for a while but then just ignored me, no replies to messages or phone calls. Then I saw her in pics with all the other friends in our friend group but me. Why? Because I wasn't invited. That is what hurt the most. I accept not hanging out one on one but to be pushed aside like we never connected, were never friends, like I never mattered or even existed in her life, that's what brought tears to my eyes. So I deleted her number and her as a friend.

When I sent her a message to re-friend her, she simply said she always was up for staying in contact with a friend from grad school. No mention we ever went out. No sorry she just felt too awkward to be friends at the time. Nothing. I let it go. I said nothing, acted like I only ever saw her in class… because what else am I supposed to do? So, I have to act like there was never anything there. Like I was nothing ever, nothing more than a mere class-mate. Like she never told me her favorite food was Chinese. Like we never talked on the phone for hours. Like we never watched movies together. All wiped away. Just gone.

And the sad thing is situations like this still happen to me. I liked a nurse at work, not just because she was physically attractive but she had a wonderful way about her as well. I gave her a note one day, figured if she was interested she would contact me, if not, no big deal. Right? After that she would never look me in the eye. She was no longer happy around me anymore. She avoided me. I played along because what was I supposed to do, call her out? And well, after such instances, to me, a woman becomes much less "wonderful".

It just saddens me because if a woman asked me out and I declined, and then I treated her like she never existed, I would be the rude man but women are free to do this to men all the time. Women can go to other women or men for support; yet who can a single guy go to for such support? For a while I would talk to other friends who were guys but after so long it starts to get depressing, you hear yourself talking in circles, and after so long you get tired of talking about it. I have grown tired of talking about it, thinking about it, writing about it. Being single is so emotionally draining and if you are male, the truth is no one really gives a damn about you being single. Lots of women write blogs and books about being single, they have an audience because men and women both care about how being single affects women. They feel for them, they care for them. Mostly, men only write about being single after they are married. Basically, no one cares about what it is like for a man trying to date, trying to go through the emotions of being the initiator (all the time). Why? Because men are supposed to be the strong ones, the solid ones, the confident ones, and never the ones who feel lonely, unsure, or emotional.

I am tired of the "game" of dating. I feel like giving up but if I don't try, as I did in the past, nothing ever happens - unlike the numerous stories I have heard. No pain, no gain I suppose. But I feel like dating is mostly pain and not very much gain at all. You are told to be yourself and yet the more you date, the more you start to feel that women do not want to see and know you, they want to see and be with their perception of you. They don't want a flawed person but the perfect boyfriend. Meanwhile I really want to know these women I have dated, who are they? How did they get to this point in time? I'm not saying I haven't rejected a few but out of about twenty dates in the last two years; I've rejected two that I remember.

I told a friend that I look at dating as saying yes to someone until I have a reason to say no. Honestly, I now feel that most women tend to date and look at men in the opposite way, to say no unless they have a reason to say yes. I think this is what leaves men in the back-row and women up front wondering: Where are all the good men? Why are they not asking us out?

We want to ask you out. I would ask out many more women if I didn't have to deal with all of the drama that seems to happen after. At work or church, whoever you ask out is very likely to tell others, so if you ask out too many, you come across as a player. Then, not only will you be turned down but you also come across as desperate and everyone knows you have been rejected. Then, no one wants to date you and women look at you like you are a creeper and will start treating you differently, where they once talked to you they will now only say one-word answers or avoid you.

I don't have answers.

I just hate what I see.

I wish things were different.

I wish women were more open to men.

I wish a romantic rejection didn’t mean a rejection as a person.

Still, this is simply how it is…

~ Single Me