What We Lost Becoming Adults & How We Heal

I’ve been thinking a lot this last year, as I am coming out one one of my darkest times of my life; how I am healing, how I lost myself, and why I needed that healing in the first place? Is their a resiliency we had that over time we lost as we became adults? How did we become this way? Could our issues physically, emotionally, and spiritually be connected to ways be slowly sacrificed off parts of ourselves for different reasons? Maybe we were anxious or embarrassed or fearful, maybe we became perfectionist scared of taking risks because we might fail.

I remember as a child sitting on the carpet in front of my mom... just me with a stack of paper. I would sit for what seemed like hours drawing and coloring, no mind of time, free of worries, not thinking about the past or future – I was there in the present, just me and that free creativity. I drew for no one but myself. I kept what I liked and discarded what I didn't – not looking back, not seeing discarded pictures as failures, but stages to my success. I was my own judge of my successes, my failures, and my challenges. How did I lose that? How do we lose that over time? How and when did we become so consumed with others judgment on our lives? Maybe it was due to parents, family, friends. Maybe it was jobs or careers, where instead of enjoyment of the job itself, we were forced to meet quotas. We were told our success was based on our productivity, on the money that we earned.

I remember as a child building with Lego's. I enjoyed making buildings or ships out of those random pieces. I never got enjoyment out of the pre-made, I liked to use my own creativity. Why follow plans when I could create from my own mind. Later, I got this designing video games levels for the game “Doom 2”. The editor was easy to use and I could use my computer to make something out of nothing, creating not only challenges for those who would play but as the game designer – fitting all the pieces together so the game worked; every light, texture, enemy, door, switch all programmed from my own imagination. Why did I stop designing those levels? Why did I stop something that gave me joy?

The honest truth is I stopped because I was trying to cultivate an image of me for friends and for those who I might date in the future. At the time I was was starting to become more self-conscious about how others perceived me. “This is not something normal adults do at my age.” “If I want a wife or family, I have to stop doing things like this.” So... I stopped. I also stopped playing any computer games for the two years I did online dating. In the end, for whatever reasons at the time, online dating didn't work out for me... and I never started designing levels again. While I played computer games, I no longer shared about them. I closed off this part of myself so I wouldn't be perceived as odd or strange – instead of seeing this part of me as something beautifully different and unique.

Around this time I also stopped writing, blogging was dying and as I was in a more professional career. I was worried, fearful, and anxious something I might say would cost me my job. I also had this feeling that no one really cared for my writing, which isn't true, as people told me how much they have enjoyed my writing. Alas, I could not hear the praise over the other negative voices speaking into my mind. Instead of fighting those thoughts, trying to find a way to write in the midst of strife, even if only for myself, I caved.

These are just examples of how I cut off these parts of myself due to negative thoughts or to create some false image of myself to please others. In what ways have You lost parts of yourself between childhood and adulthood? What are things you used to do that you miss? What have you given up to please those negative thoughts, only to lose parts of your true self? What parts did you give up to please others? Were you trying to please family? Were you trying to please bosses? Were you trying to please friends, children, significant others, or spouses?

What can we do now? What can you do to gain those parts of yourself back? I believe the only way to gain from these past hurts is to look at the lie that “we would be more happy” or “others would like us more” and see what became lost in us. The truth is... to heal, we must gain back those things that were sacrificed, take back our truth, and learn again to be our authentic self.

Like a child judging his own artwork, so we must again become the judge of what gives us joy, not basing our happiness on others but on our self. In truth, while others can help, it is only each of us who can do the work to regain what was lost, to heal and save ourselves… then encouraging other to do the same.

- Daniel, Writer Once Again