What We Lost Becoming Adults & How We Heal

I’ve been thinking a lot this last year, as I am coming out one one of my darkest times of my life; how I am healing, how I lost myself, and why I needed that healing in the first place? Is their a resiliency we had that over time we lost as we became adults? How did we become this way? Could our issues physically, emotionally, and spiritually be connected to ways be slowly sacrificed off parts of ourselves for different reasons? Maybe we were anxious or embarrassed or fearful, maybe we became perfectionist scared of taking risks because we might fail.

I remember as a child sitting on the carpet in front of my mom... just me with a stack of paper. I would sit for what seemed like hours drawing and coloring, no mind of time, free of worries, not thinking about the past or future – I was there in the present, just me and that free creativity. I drew for no one but myself. I kept what I liked and discarded what I didn't – not looking back, not seeing discarded pictures as failures, but stages to my success. I was my own judge of my successes, my failures, and my challenges. How did I lose that? How do we lose that over time? How and when did we become so consumed with others judgment on our lives? Maybe it was due to parents, family, friends. Maybe it was jobs or careers, where instead of enjoyment of the job itself, we were forced to meet quotas. We were told our success was based on our productivity, on the money that we earned.

I remember as a child building with Lego's. I enjoyed making buildings or ships out of those random pieces. I never got enjoyment out of the pre-made, I liked to use my own creativity. Why follow plans when I could create from my own mind. Later, I got this designing video games levels for the game “Doom 2”. The editor was easy to use and I could use my computer to make something out of nothing, creating not only challenges for those who would play but as the game designer – fitting all the pieces together so the game worked; every light, texture, enemy, door, switch all programmed from my own imagination. Why did I stop designing those levels? Why did I stop something that gave me joy?

The honest truth is I stopped because I was trying to cultivate an image of me for friends and for those who I might date in the future. At the time I was was starting to become more self-conscious about how others perceived me. “This is not something normal adults do at my age.” “If I want a wife or family, I have to stop doing things like this.” So... I stopped. I also stopped playing any computer games for the two years I did online dating. In the end, for whatever reasons at the time, online dating didn't work out for me... and I never started designing levels again. While I played computer games, I no longer shared about them. I closed off this part of myself so I wouldn't be perceived as odd or strange – instead of seeing this part of me as something beautifully different and unique.

Around this time I also stopped writing, blogging was dying and as I was in a more professional career. I was worried, fearful, and anxious something I might say would cost me my job. I also had this feeling that no one really cared for my writing, which isn't true, as people told me how much they have enjoyed my writing. Alas, I could not hear the praise over the other negative voices speaking into my mind. Instead of fighting those thoughts, trying to find a way to write in the midst of strife, even if only for myself, I caved.

These are just examples of how I cut off these parts of myself due to negative thoughts or to create some false image of myself to please others. In what ways have You lost parts of yourself between childhood and adulthood? What are things you used to do that you miss? What have you given up to please those negative thoughts, only to lose parts of your true self? What parts did you give up to please others? Were you trying to please family? Were you trying to please bosses? Were you trying to please friends, children, significant others, or spouses?

What can we do now? What can you do to gain those parts of yourself back? I believe the only way to gain from these past hurts is to look at the lie that “we would be more happy” or “others would like us more” and see what became lost in us. The truth is... to heal, we must gain back those things that were sacrificed, take back our truth, and learn again to be our authentic self.

Like a child judging his own artwork, so we must again become the judge of what gives us joy, not basing our happiness on others but on our self. In truth, while others can help, it is only each of us who can do the work to regain what was lost, to heal and save ourselves… then encouraging other to do the same.

- Daniel, Writer Once Again

The Wounds of Repeated Rejection

Emotional Wounds are tough, especially when you start noticing triggers. I decided to stop dating about a month ago. It is tough but I really didn't have a choice. Sadly, I do not fit into that world nor does dating fit into my world right now; whether that is financially, emotionally, or any other word ending in an ly.

I first noticed this when I would see an attractive female. Where a year or a few months back I would be interested to talk to her, get to know her, maybe become friends or ask her out.. well, I noticed I began to cringe inside. All those thoughts of all those times I was attracted and got rejected for relationship and friendship came flooding back. In my mind, why even approach her if it will all end up the same.

Sure she might enjoy talking to me but she might not want to be my friend. Maybe she wants to be my friend but already has a lot of friends or I like her "too much", tell her how I feel and when she rejects me I lose a friend as well. I want to be serious here when I say EVERY female I have ever told I liked them or expressed interest has rejected me and stopped being my friend after I expressed interest.

This is not to say I haven't rejected a few, maybe 2-3 females - but I have asked out far more than that over the years. Our culture is constantly saying that men are too picky, I have even had my mother tell me this one time as a suggestion why I am not meeting someone. I hate that statement because it isn't true. I have been attracted to a variety of women and typically what attracts me to them, besides cuteness, is usually their love for God.

The sad thing is, I am not sure many of the women I have asked out could say the same. Of course, I typically hold back when talking about faith considering my job and our culture, not because I want to impress but because I simply want to get to know someone. Sadly though, part of me holds back spiritually because when I opened up before I was rejected with "you are a great guy and I know you love God, but I am just not attracted to you in that way. " 

STING

The sting of rejection doesn't just affect me spiritually but emotionally and physically as well. Overeating at times, cringing when I see an attractive women, sometimes even just seeing a females great smile or hearing her laugh, which should trigger me to feel attraction and desire, these now send out warning signals, a shield, telling me to be weary, be fearful, all that is behind that smile is rejection. It is a facade. That if I pursue anything beyond mediocre conversations and casual topics, I will be the creep, the stalker, the desperate guy. I will have to face rejection all over again, time after time, after time.

And I really try not to be pissed off at God or at people in the church who are usually always married, telling me to pray more, volunteer more, stop thinking about it and she will magically appear. I try not to be bitter or resentful. I try but it is tough. The truth is we all want to be loved, to be held, hugged, live life alongside someone else, to share our experiences, our joys, and our sorrows. However, when you are single and 33 years old you don't really have an outlet for these feelings and desires, especially if you are male.

New college students are coming to my church tomorrow. The church is sending them care packages, signing them up for families to meet with them throughout the year so they feel loved and appreciated in the community. Honestly, besides on Sundays I don't feel very loved. I feel ostracized, in the church, because I am single I am not really invited into the life of the church. I am not invited to dinners or game nights when other couples open up their homes and houses. I see a new couple walk in the door and how people flock to meet them, to surround and support them, to ask them to go out to eat or to come over to their house. This doesn't happen when you are single (Ok, in two years maybe a handful of invites). I am pretty sure the church just doesn't know what to do with me... except maybe to observe me there sitting by myself in the pew, perhaps they feel pity, maybe they feel nothing, or they pray I won't be so lonely (yes, read that phrase one more time and let it sink in), that I would find a spouse when all I'd really liked is just an invite to hang with them at their house, even if the kids are running around, spitting up the oatmeal they just ate, or pooping on the floor. I guess to others they ask why would I want to be there, in that chaos. It is because I'd rather be in a community with chaos and conversation, hurting or laughter, than be alone.

Most nights after working one of my two jobs, I come home and my apartment is quiet. I go to sleep and it is quiet. I wake up and it is quiet. No one ask me how my day was, what is going on tomorrow? No one asks me if I had a good or difficult day? And there is no one for me to listen to. I want to hear all the details about others. So I browse Facebook, hoping to connect to others but most people censor themselves online. Every married person is always happy and every single is always happy. And the ones who aren't happy people try to make happy.

I try to connect but sometimes my messages are not returned, just a notification someone got on their smartphone and then ignored or forgot about. I am just  a blip on someones notifications.

I want to be more.

I try and try and try but to no avail. I am tired of trying so I've stopped caring. I scroll through my news-feed and see pictures of new babies, children growing up, relationships going on. I suppose we post about what we are proud of and for most people that is their family, their spouse, their children, their grand-kids; but when you are single you post about your new job, what you've read... but no one wants to read about how you went to the movies alone, read a book alone, called a friend on the phone, messaged someone.

You don't get Christmas cards from single people because a card with just one person seems lonely, is lonely, feels pitiful. Yet, we are alive. We live and feel. We have wants and desires too. We have the family we grew up with and thoughts of the family we might have.. and maybe the one we might never have. We grieve and are joyful for our friends who are married, we just wish that we felt like others grieved or felt joy for us at all as well. We feel lost. We feel on the outside. We are many yet feel so alone.

May God bring healing to those of us who are single and may be bring married people who live open lives so we know marriage is not all warm and fuzzy. I pray that one day the married and single divide in churches may fall. Alas, for now, this wall is held high and is thick. It will take both sides working to make it fall, tumble, and realize that married or single, we all desire and want community, and for those of faith, married or not, Christ should be are the forefront of our mind. For the singles this means crucifying our desire to be married as highest priority and for those who are married it means crucifying their spouse on a pedestal and putting God first where God belongs. Truthfully, all of us still have a lot of spiritual and emotionally work still to do.

~ Single Me

Goodbye Dating, You were a Terrible Ride

Written 08/28/2015

The last few months have been treacherous, difficult, hard, and filled with sadness for me, my soul has gone in a tail-spin, the more I have pursued dating the more terrible I have felt, the more I opened myself up to others the more I have despised and grown weary of every rejection, every smug face or pitiful look, every unanswered message of interest in dating or even interest in friendship that was never reciprocated.

Finally, after two years of trying I've decided I am done with dating. No, this is not a blog about how courtship is better. I don't know if our culture can do better, because there are so many rules and poor communication that I don't think we can do dating or courtship in a way that glorifies God, at least not unless both are willing to go the extra mile, be truthful, vulnerable, and honest.

It is just too much, I just cannot do it anymore. Much like when I pursued Youth Ministry for a while and door after door closed, so has this happened in dating; whether online or off, every single advancement, every risk, every emotional step has been filled with rejection, with no real reciprocation.

Sadly, even those women I thought I could be friends with, or wanted to be friends with and see if there was more there, nothing ever happened. This isn't to say I didn't reject anyone. I can think of one right out and another that was mutual, which means in-person I've been rejected in some form about eighteen to twenty times.

At the beginning of the month I was about to get another six-months free on Match.com and renew my subscription for ChristianMingle. I cancelled both subscriptions. Just the thought of sending another message, trying to personalize it to "her", trying to sound interesting, hoping that the other person there might see me, the real me, and respond. I just couldn't anymore.

Then a week ago I finally told God I was done, for the next three years I am putting all my effort into paying off my loans and getting to know God. I am even going to stop trying as much to make friends. I will still develop the friendships I have and make ones if they come along - but I just don't have the time or emotional energy to do all this pursuing.

Maybe just maybe, it is time for me to be pursued. Shouldn't other people have to make an effort, any effort to get to know me, friendship or dating.

So, as of this week until October 2018, my 36th Birthday, I am done dating. If God wants to throw someone in my face that may change but I am going to pursue Christ. If I date, I want to remember her name. If I date, I want to be friends. Ideally, I'd like to be friends if it doesn't work out but I've been told that by way to many females in the past. If any female tells me they want to be friends from now on, I am putting the ball in their court. I will let them know they have to make an effort or "they" are choosing to end the friendship.

Do you know, in my opinion, the problem with men and women, guys and girls being friends has nothing to do with attraction (I've been attracted to many friends who are female) and everything to do with reciprocation, and in ones ability to work through any possible awkwardness (and boundary setting) to continue to get to know this great person, instead of nicely (passively) dumping them on the side of your life-road.

I am worth more. Men are worth more. We will pursue you but women have got to put in some effort, some reciprocation.

I just cant anymore and I pray to God that he imbue me with his love and perseverance, that if I am to be single for the rest of my life that he would finally at some point bring me to complete contentment with this, that if I meet someone or not, I will be fine. I pray that God will heal my loneliness, that the bitterness I have felt towards God at times for leaving me alone (while all my friends and family get married and have children) will leave my wounded heart. I pray one day I will be able to see pictures of new relationships, engagements, weddings, and kids without feeling a deep sadness and grief, grief over what I have not had and may never have. Last week I was at a Wendy's and saw a young couple with their little daughter and son. I was two seconds from losing it.

But I am now giving these feelings up to God. So, readers, this is what happens to some at the end of their pursuits - real life - real hurt - hurt that may be healed, hurt that may one day find someone and may not - but sometimes you have to let go, to finally release that control, to refocus, to give up, to focus on other things in life, in areas and places where God has been and is already blessing you.

I am done with dating but I will forever pursue Christ, I will extend and show God's love to others, I will make myself available to the Speaking and presence of the Holy Spirit in my life, and what happens will happen.

~ Single Me

The Weight of Dating as a Man (2/2)

Note: Written 07/03/2015

A few months ago I drew up the courage to re-friend a woman I use to be friends with on Facebook. We only went out on one date but hung-out for about two months. After she rejected me, she replied to a few messages for a while but then just ignored me, no replies to messages or phone calls. Then I saw her in pics with all the other friends in our friend group but me. Why? Because I wasn't invited. That is what hurt the most. I accept not hanging out one on one but to be pushed aside like we never connected, were never friends, like I never mattered or even existed in her life, that's what brought tears to my eyes. So I deleted her number and her as a friend.

When I sent her a message to re-friend her, she simply said she always was up for staying in contact with a friend from grad school. No mention we ever went out. No sorry she just felt too awkward to be friends at the time. Nothing. I let it go. I said nothing, acted like I only ever saw her in class… because what else am I supposed to do? So, I have to act like there was never anything there. Like I was nothing ever, nothing more than a mere class-mate. Like she never told me her favorite food was Chinese. Like we never talked on the phone for hours. Like we never watched movies together. All wiped away. Just gone.

And the sad thing is situations like this still happen to me. I liked a nurse at work, not just because she was physically attractive but she had a wonderful way about her as well. I gave her a note one day, figured if she was interested she would contact me, if not, no big deal. Right? After that she would never look me in the eye. She was no longer happy around me anymore. She avoided me. I played along because what was I supposed to do, call her out? And well, after such instances, to me, a woman becomes much less "wonderful".

It just saddens me because if a woman asked me out and I declined, and then I treated her like she never existed, I would be the rude man but women are free to do this to men all the time. Women can go to other women or men for support; yet who can a single guy go to for such support? For a while I would talk to other friends who were guys but after so long it starts to get depressing, you hear yourself talking in circles, and after so long you get tired of talking about it. I have grown tired of talking about it, thinking about it, writing about it. Being single is so emotionally draining and if you are male, the truth is no one really gives a damn about you being single. Lots of women write blogs and books about being single, they have an audience because men and women both care about how being single affects women. They feel for them, they care for them. Mostly, men only write about being single after they are married. Basically, no one cares about what it is like for a man trying to date, trying to go through the emotions of being the initiator (all the time). Why? Because men are supposed to be the strong ones, the solid ones, the confident ones, and never the ones who feel lonely, unsure, or emotional.

I am tired of the "game" of dating. I feel like giving up but if I don't try, as I did in the past, nothing ever happens - unlike the numerous stories I have heard. No pain, no gain I suppose. But I feel like dating is mostly pain and not very much gain at all. You are told to be yourself and yet the more you date, the more you start to feel that women do not want to see and know you, they want to see and be with their perception of you. They don't want a flawed person but the perfect boyfriend. Meanwhile I really want to know these women I have dated, who are they? How did they get to this point in time? I'm not saying I haven't rejected a few but out of about twenty dates in the last two years; I've rejected two that I remember.

I told a friend that I look at dating as saying yes to someone until I have a reason to say no. Honestly, I now feel that most women tend to date and look at men in the opposite way, to say no unless they have a reason to say yes. I think this is what leaves men in the back-row and women up front wondering: Where are all the good men? Why are they not asking us out?

We want to ask you out. I would ask out many more women if I didn't have to deal with all of the drama that seems to happen after. At work or church, whoever you ask out is very likely to tell others, so if you ask out too many, you come across as a player. Then, not only will you be turned down but you also come across as desperate and everyone knows you have been rejected. Then, no one wants to date you and women look at you like you are a creeper and will start treating you differently, where they once talked to you they will now only say one-word answers or avoid you.

I don't have answers.

I just hate what I see.

I wish things were different.

I wish women were more open to men.

I wish a romantic rejection didn’t mean a rejection as a person.

Still, this is simply how it is…

~ Single Me

The Weight of Dating as a Man (1/2)

I wanted so hard for things to be different. For so long I thought if I lost weight, if I gained confidence, if I put myself "out there" things would change. I've come to understand that while our culture would have you think guys are the ones who cannot commit, who decline dates, who drag women around; none of this is my experience, in fact, my experience is the opposite.

The truth is, women seem to give off mixed messages and I believe this is not on purpose but because many of them do not know what they want or are simply not willing to put forth the effort. Why put effort into a relationship, or a friendship, when you can pull out your feminine card that states men have to be the pursuers and initiators?

However, even in this, women still win because when men they do not like and/or are not attracted to do pursue them, they can just label the guy as a creep or stalker, instead of as a guy who was interested in them and asked them a question or started a conversation (Yes, I do know real stalkers do exist but it is also a phrase used to speak of men they find unappealing that talk to them or are around them).

I've grown up in the church hearing all the time about how men should be leaders, how they should respect their "sisters" in Christ, how they should respect women for their minds and not merely see them as objects. Yet, I hear very little about how women should respect their "brothers" in Christ, not lie if they don't want to be friends, put effort into friendships and relationships with men, and treat men as people - ones they like and do not like.

I'm tired of women saying all men are shallow, of having to watch movies like "Shallow Hal" that depict guys as having standards that are too high and not being open to other women that are around them. I have put myself out there in online dating. Honestly, I have likely messaged somewhere between 500-600 women and gone on about 20 dates in the last two years. Most of these dates were before I took on a second job. I just have less time now to personalize each message and I feel "bad" if I do not. Ironically, I think when I mass messaged women I got more dates. I don't want "more dates" because I just want to find a person I connect with; yet the only way to find that person is to go out on more dates, to get more responses... effectively to mass message and forget the notion that I "should" care and "should" personalize each message.

I'm just tired of the whole process. I'd like to meet women in-person but most of the ones I have approached either have had boyfriends or ignore me after I get rejected. I wish women knew, really understood that, at least for myself, I can take a rejection for a relationship all day; however, when you just stop talking to me, begin ignoring me, and if we were friends and now you never talk to me, that is what hurts. That is what insults me, wounds me, and makes me feel sick.

I spent all that effort getting to know you, deciding you seemed like a good enough female to get to know better, maybe even date. Then, instead of being flattered and simply declining me but still acknowledging my existence, you ignore e-mails, you give one-word answers, and you never after that rejection ever ask me about myself - and if the tables were turned, If I ignored you, I would be the rude one, the one with the issue, the one who can’t handle rejection. It is the silence that kills me, the acting like we never talked.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 3 of 3)

Thoughts After 40 Days

05/19/2015

For the first day or two it was a struggle but then I found myself keeping up with a few friends through e-mails, texts, or phone calls. Also, getting off Facebook gave me the space to think about what is important to me and I discovered it was connecting with people in-person, or at least though Skype or phone calls.

Still, our world of technology fights a lot against this; people are now far more comfortable e-mailing, texting, and "socializing" on Facebook. The problem is that Facebook isn't real, well in a sense at least. Facebook is what we post so others can know us, but I think we tend to filter out all the things we get with friends in real life, like tone of voice, body language, as well as the complexities of life; the good, the sad, and the funny.

I'm still going to be on Facebook on and off. I'm still going to write blogs, though I've chosen to remove a lot of recent posts/shares from my public blog and Facebook profile. As much as some like writing (and sharing on Facebook), I think people tend to have a sort of voyeur-like stance at times to reading my blogs, since I see many views yet normally no comments, perhaps a few "likes".

If I am honest, while my writings about faith seem to get comments and discussion, my personal writings about life, love, dating, being single, and friendship seem to give off the wrong impression. I had hoped writing some personal things would help people to open up, add discussion; instead I think it makes my life seem sad worth pity instead of as courageously honest. I read a book earlier this year, "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown, in it, she writes about a man who spoke to her:

"[As men] we have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us.... [Women would] rather see me die on the top of my white horse than watch me fall of."

Then the author replies:

"[Women] ask [men] to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they're afraid, but the truth is that most women can't stomach it."

I think most men cannot handle it either.

Real honesty is tough and I think when people emotionally expose themselves, others tend to recoil, to feel sorry for them, to pity them. What they do not know is how to do is respond with them, to discuss, or to be vulnerable themselves (unless they can be anonymous it seems). I've wondered why men and women who struggle socially, emotionally, or with addictions always wait until long AFTER to write or speak of their experiences. It is because being that open and vulnerable hurts ones reputation. Basically, no one wants to be friends or socialize with people who they know are sad, suffering, hurting, or lonely; people want to be friends with people who are fun, adventurous, and funny. The reality is we are all of these, a few might admit it behind closed doors, but admit such things openly and you  commit social and professional suicide, especially if you are male.

Writing is tough, especially when your inspiration comes mostly from a vulnerable place. I've decided others don't need to see these vulnerable places, mostly because they are only part of who I am, and as I set out to make new friends and date, such honesty, such vulnerability does nothing for me personally. I will still write, (oh will I write!) but a lot less will be public.

Perhaps when I am old and grey, or at least married with kids and have a good social network, I can put my past writings out there. Maybe it will help others who are struggling themselves to know that there are others out there who feel the same, who are great people. Still, while the world can hold their interesting and fun self, it simply cannot bear to face vulnerability and doubt. In fact, the world will emotionally and socially drain and slay those who dare to be so open.

The only thing to do is chose to be open with a few close family and friends, those people who have earned the right to see my struggles, my darkness because they also see my light and reciprocate sharing their light and darkness, their ups and downs, their joys and struggles as well.

It is sad but right decision. The game of life is that, we put on a show, we set up an image to others, performing on a stage - and only those worthy should ever be given the time and space to see the whole of who we are, behind the set, and as far as I am concerned the others are simply not worth my time or attention. I refuse feed their voyeur-like interest in me or to be pitied by them. I am worth more. I am more.

They would know if they were willing and put forth effort.

I now know though, most simply will not.

~ Single Me

40 Days Off Facebook (Part 2 of 3)

Thoughts after Ten Days of Facebook

04/14/2015

I took a fast from Facebook to quiet my mind but also to face myself. Who am I? Who am I by myself? Who am I when I am not connected online? Would others reach out? When I feel absence, would I wallow in loneliness, would I eat in excess? If God's voice is found in the stillness, can I coax him out? Without all the noise, can HE hear my heart as it yearns for Him. Can I hear His voice when the distractions are silenced, cut off. Is it ok not to know what movie others are watching?

Will it help me not to feel so alone if I don't have to see pictures of my happily married friends and some of them with their children, knowing, at my age, the older I get the possibility for both in my life lessen, decrease? Is it good for me not to see all the pictures of extravagant vacations or mission trips, knowing that a month ago I worked 40 days in a row between my two jobs, trying to pay down this student debt. I simply cannot afford such luxuries in my life. No one is helping me. I am on my own.

I want to have those pictures, that life, but it isn't what I have, not who I am, at least not now, not yet. In truth, it may never be - and I'm sure for every smiling face there are arguments, for every vacation out, there are times of boredom and loneliness at home, for every mission or retreat, the reality of returning home.

Here, in the ordinary, between our desires and our realities; what we have, want, and need. In the complexities, this is where life is found... if we are honest. Facebook is a facade as much as an online dating profile; for as much as we try to use text, pictures, and videos, shares, likes, and writings - these are not us, not me.

That is the lie. We "connect" online and keep our distance in real life. We sacrifice voice for text, presence for an e-mail, a comment for a like; and with each step we have separated ourselves, we feel connected but aren't, not to others really, and certainly not to ourselves. Who are we apart from technology? Who are we apart from our online "social" self? We are millions of people logging on alone. What we once used to connect and help us meet others in-person we now use so we never have to meet in-person, never hear another’s voice, never have to see their face.

We have already begun to lose part of what makes us human, true connection. We fool ourselves, saying we are not addicted, not consuming - but we are the ones being consumed, being force-fed lies, unrealistic expectations. The only way to find ourselves again is to refuse to believe the lie, to disconnect.

Perhaps this means balance, moderation, or giving up the thing we believe connects us but actually divides us and leaves us alone. I wonder if even one Facebook friend will e-mail or call me out of 300 "friends" while I am offline. Honestly, I am skeptical. Who are my real "friends" anyway? How do we define "friends" anymore? Do they merely "like" a status update once a year? Do they say Happy Birthday and nothing more?

I'm not sure but I feel like I am beginning to see, like I am on the precipice of something new, something transformative. May God guide my heart and show me: What is true connection? What does it mean to be and have real friends, real community, and let go of everything else? What does it meant to spend my time and energy only on those worthy of my thoughts and affections?

We will see.

~ Single Me