The Nice Guy/Girl Parodox

What exactly is the Nice Guy/Girl Paradox? Well, primarily, I will be speaking from my point of view, so this is from a guy; yet I think many females also find themselves in the same category, asking similar questions. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately that talk about how nice guys need to stop whining. Now, some of these blogs are right, in that some self-proclaimed nice guys are really jerks in disguise, hoping their niceness will get them dates and sex. This is not what I am talking about, I am speaking of real nice guys, men who genuinely want a deep connection to someone else, who desire a long-term relationship, which may one day lead to marriage and maybe a family.

I have heard some advice around that says that such nice guys need to man-up*, to have a what-ever attitude, to understand that their are lots of fish in the sea, each female only being one of million or billions for them to go out with at any time. This is really a lie. Why? Because I dont think nice guys are looking for millions of relationships. I know for myself, I have only ever been seriously  interested and dated a few women, mostly starting in college. My guess is that some think the end justifies the means when it comes to dating, meaning that if jerks can get dates and girlfriends, then they must be doing something right that the rest of us nicer beings are doing wrong.

THE PERCEPTION:

While I do think it is true that jerks get more dates, I think there are a few reasons why, which indeed nice guys can learn. However, I do not think the non-caring attitude, nor the one that treats the other as merely an object of sexual and/or emotional gratification is right either. Instead, I think there are three main reasons the jerks seem to get more dates:

(1) Risk-Taking: Why do girls seem to like the guy in the leather jacket or the one on the motorcycle? Why do girls like guys who go skydiving or want to travel? There is something adventurous, something about being swept off their feet that I think females tend to enjoy. From my own perspective, most of those things terrify me, not to mention how much money they cost (yes, I am very frugal with money). However, I think risk-taking is even seen in that first instance when a guy likes a girl. He takes a risk upfront in asking her out. For the jerk, he doesn't care if it is yes or no. If it is a yes, he is in; however, if it is a no, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Nice guys and girls, myself included, need to be willing to take more risks. This can be asking someone out, going out with someone you aren't sure about, or doing something that might be awkward or make you uncomfortable as a person. This bring us to the second issue...

(2) Rejection: Since jerks seem to be risk-takers, they are also very good at handling rejection, either by not caring or learning how to push back their feelings to get the job done. As I said, I don't think the answer is lying to ourselves about how rejection makes us feel. It hurts, but what we can learn from jerks is that if we focus on rejection, we are not focusing on new possibilities. We get so hung up on one person, we lose sight of other maybes. I don't think this means we will move from dating a few to a million significant others, but I do think it can help us move forward faster.

(3) Confidence: I think jerks exude confidence*, which is why females are so attracted to them. Because they seem not to care about anything or anyone, everyone is intrigued. Who is this person? What makes them tick? Now, whether that confidence is a reality outside of the dating atmosphere is debatable; however, having more confidence means we fear rejection less and are more willing to take risks, thus giving us even more confidence. See the cycle, I think it feeds itself. Now, in jerks, I think it stems from unhealthy relations to others and self, but in healthy people, I think it is the ability to move forward and adapt. If we stay stagnant, doing what we are doing and have already done, the simple truth is nothing is going to change for us. Something must change, so if we cannot change every other person we want to be interested in, that means we must change ourselves. I am not talking about lying to others nor manipulating them, but building up our own self-esteem and self-identity, becoming comfortable in who we are already and who we are becoming.

Now, in addition, we also must remember that even though jerks seem to be getting lots of dates, relationships, and significant others; the truth is that their jerkiness becomes very unattractive at a certain point, thus making them loose dates. This means that one can only be so much of a jerk before they become dateless or even a creeper or stalker. Why? The truth is we all have standards and we all over time will shed our pseudo selves because who we really are is always inside dying to be free.

 THE TRUTH:

See, the truth is that at a certain point jerks, men or women, are going to falter. Especially as the relationship begins to linger, the thought of exclusivity and commitment will inevitably come up. This is where jerks will get scared and leave. Yes, many out there have the thought that maybe that person will change. It may be possible, but I think it is highly improbable. Indeed, to believe that you out of everyone that person has dated will change their lifestyle, personality, and worldview is a tad much. So, with jerks, the following chart demonstrates how the relationship will dwindle over time.

What I think this means is that maybe in short-term and bad relationships, jerks have the upper-hand. Yes, from a quantitative point of view, they will seem to win every time; but is that really winning? If what one desires is a long-lasting and mutual relationship that is going somewhere, it seems that jerks lose, they shouldn't even be on our radar for a comparison. Therefore, what I propose is a new way to look at dating, one where we don't compare ourselves to people who have dated numerous times, but one that may take some concepts for jerks that can help us on our own way. I think this means learning to take risks, learning to better handle and deal with rejection, increasing our self-esteem, and solidifying our own identity (being happy in who we are and what we do). Then, I think dating and relationships, look more like the following.

So, the paradox that says being a nice guy or girl will not get you dates or long-term relationships, in my opinion, is false. It all depends on what you are actually want and desire from a  relationship. If you desire a meaningful relationship, you cannot be a jerk, it isn't going to work. Of course, as with all things, the truth is hard, it means we may have to do some hard work on ourselves (and stop blaming others). It may mean we need to stop dating and find out who we really are apart from others. However, for some it may mean taking more chances or learning to get over rejection. I think it all depends on the person, but certainly improving our self is never a bad thing and can only increase our confidence and therefore, increase our datability as well.

~ Daniel

* Click included linked text for some relevant & interesting articles I found online.

My Weight Until Now: Part 2 of 2

To Read Part One: Click Here

As you have read, by college I was 285, which is a good amount of money but not weight. My freshmen year, I was on a meal plan, so it was easy for me to start portion control. I would eat until I was satisfied and then if I got hungry, bad luck, because I couldn’t afford anything in my room. Also, that year I learned the awesome sport of racquetball. I played so much that year, and the years to come in college. My only problem was, if there was no one to play with, I simply would not go workout, or even go and play a bit by myself. To me it still was not exercise or work, but a game for fun. By my sophomore year, I had lost some weight, and was probably down to 250. However, the problem was that my sophomore year, I liked this female (a lot, more about this in another blog) and when I got rejected, it really hurt. I was depressed of course, so I stopped playing racquetball, hid myself in my room, and ate (cause now I had some money to buy food). By the end of the year, I had gained back all my weight.

During graduate school and the two year after that working retail, I mostly maintained my weight. I did start trying to eat healthier things, which is good, but I was still far from exercising. I was just too busy or too tired, but really I wasn’t too anything, I just wanted excuses not to work out because it is hard, difficult, and inconvenient. In addition, because of bladder infections and a small kidney infection, I decided to start drinking less sodas and more water. This is when I cut down to one soda a day and most of the time, even to this day, will be walking around with a water bottle.

However, between graduate school and my current residency, I was pretty depressed about not having a good job, paying student loans, and working the two jobs I did have... and so, yes I enjoyed food. Bad food is cheap and it is easy to use food as a reward system or to partake merely because it tastes good. It can be something good when you feel like crap. The problem is that temporary good keeps adding up, turning into more pounds, and more weight... not just physical weight but also mental and emotional weight, because then you get depressed because you are big... and to feel better you eat to feel better, and so forth and so on... I think you get the cycle.

When I first started my residency, I had no money; I had used almost everything to move, so for the first few months, all I ate was sandwiches and spaghetti (Sandwiches are cheap and I got a box of spaghetti from a friend). It lasted me about 4-6 months. Of course, now looking back, all I can think is: I was eating so many carbs and so much starch! Anyway this brings me to what I think of as: The Change.

The Change happens to people for different reasons. Mine happened because of a patient I saw at the hospital. I was meeting with this guy who was really obese, so obese he was in one of the large beds and also had a variety of medical issues. This man was about my age and married. The problem was that he was so overweight that he could not have the gastric bypass surgery that could help him to save his life. The doctor said he had to lose weight, not just to get the surgery but to prove it wasn’t going to be a waste if it was done with him. I was glad to hear the man had a plan and would hopefully be back soon for the surgery; however, it made me really think about my own weight. Do I really want to be this big? Do I want to be this unhealthy? Do I want to be that man in the bed in 10-20 years going through the same thing?

My answer was a resounding no, so I started being even more intentional about eating better, getting advice from people and looking up better things to eat online. This was not going to be some diet but a life change. I was going to eat better and keep learning and changing to eat better. I also needed to start exercising immediately, so I started with a goal of working out twice a week for thirty minutes. The sad thing is it was so hard, not the time but the actually work. I just hadn’t forced my body to move like that. Over the next few months I kept increasing the days I worked out and the amount of time. I am proud to say now I am working out four times a week for one hour each. Yes, mostly I play racquetball... still my first love for exercise, but when I cannot play I do strength training and/or workout at my apartment. There are no excuses anymore, but the work is starting to pay off.

When I started working out and eating better in February of 2012 I was 325 pounds, then got down to 305, then 295, and last time (before Christmas) I was at 291. So, I have lost about 30 pounds, which has been a lot of work for me, not just physically but also emotionally and mentally (and it still is work, hard but beneficial work). My next goal is to get to 275, then 250. I just hope and pray I can keep this up, because it is so easy to just eat badly or not to work out. However, while I may be bad sometimes, I have stayed with my conviction enough that I have not once just stopped completely. I have persevered and hope to continue, I will continue.

If I am being honest, the next couple of months are going to be tough. I start looking for jobs in February to hopefully have a job before my residency ends in September. I am most fearful of getting depressed, anxious, and/or nervous and eating poorly; in addition to, not working out like I need to during this time. However, I am on the right track now and I don’t really think giving up is an option anymore. I am fighting for my future self, for me, for whoever may be my future wife and for any future kids. I want me to be happy and have more energy. I want to be around for a long while.

So, that is my journey thus far.

What has your journey been like?
Have you had The Change? If so, what happened?
What has been your relationship with food?
What has been your relationship with exercising?
What has been your relationship with a healthy self-image?

I am so very interested in YOUR story too, please comment or message me.

God Bless you in your own journey, whatever it may be!

~ Daniel

My Weight Until Now: Part 1 of 2

I have been pondering writing about my weight for a while now. Alongside dating, it is something very personal to me, not only how much and how far I have to go, but also some of the reasons why it has taken so long and is so hard to start anew.

I began my journey of being overweight (which turned into morbid obesity in college; however, let’s start with being overweight). My journey began in middle school. To look at any pictures of me now from middle school, one wouldn’t really know I was very much overweight, or at least beginning to be overweight. I remember at one point in middle school looking at the scale and it reading about 135 pounds. That means by the age of 12-14, I was already getting close to the actual weight I should be at today for a male with a height of 5-6".

I remember looking at the scale, thinking: What the hek? How did I get that big? What am I doing to myself? Of course, being so young, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really have a lot of conviction at that age. I really really did not like being up in front of people... and I knew from TV shows that if I became the big guy I would have to (1) Stay under the radar, (2) I would get made fun of, or (3) I would have to become the funny guy. I mostly tried to stay under the radar from bullies (not that they were like the ones on TV), but sometimes the other two options popped up. Also, at that age, I was also dealing a lot with other changes, so that is the first time I let my weight slide. Instead of dealing with my weight and/or talking to my parents about my concerns, I just pushed back those thoughts, ate whatever I wanted, and didn’t exercise. This is all before highschool.

In highschool, at least for lunch, I remember eating very horrible every day. I almost never ate from the regular lunch line. I would eat pizza, burritos, or some other fried foods. I would also try to get Twix or some soda if I had the money. It isn’t that these things are bad, but things like these should not be eaten every day, five times a week, for nine months. In highschool, I really "blossomed". I think highschool is when I gained the most amount of weight; my guess is I went from about 150 or 160 to about 285 by the time of graduation. I already said I didn’t eat well, but I also stopped playing outside, so besides not exercising intentionally, I was also not playing outside with friends anymore. Of course, this wasn’t intentional, they were just in ROTC or sports and I was, well... in choir. Don’t get me wrong, I loved choir, but if I could go back, I would tell myself to get in order.

Did you have weight issued early in life? If so, explain.
Did you have self-image issues? What were they?

I am so very interested in YOUR story, please comment or message me.

God Bless you in your own journey, whatever it may be!

~ Daniel

To Read Part Two: Click Here

On Being Sick

I have been sick this weekend.

I remember when I was in elementary school, I was feeling sick one day and my mom had to come get me. My dad was going to the airport for his work, so she took me to my grandma’s house. I remember having me grandma attended to every one of my needs as I lay on her couch watching TV with a nice blanket.

I remember all those times when I was young and my mom would make me soup or grilled cheese, give me my medications, and sometimes try to mix in my nasty medicine into a green-colored glass filled with a nice cold Sprite (this worked until I was old enough to figure out her trickery, ha).

The longer I live by myself, the more I feel like I appreciate and miss those times. My throat was feeling horrible yesterday, I didn’t want to leave my apartment, but I had to... I had to leave and go get some soup and ice cream (which have, in fact, helped).

I guess being sick, just reminds you that sometimes being single and living alone, it is the little things that bother me. I mean, I notice every time I get sick, my apartment just gets dirty, I just don’t have the energy to clean up after myself. I can usually tell when I am feeling better because I start cleaning my apartment from when I was sick.

Even as a guy, it would be nice to have someone who would hold and take care of me in such times... and to have someone to hold and take care of when she was feeling sick as well. It is just something else you have to learn to deal with when living by yourself.

If you are ever looking for a way as a married person to minister or show care to someone who is single, try something as simple as getting them medications or some soup (or ice cream!) when they are sick. If someone showed up at my door with some soup, even if it was the most horrible tasting soup, that show of love and care would really (1) Surprise me and (2) Might bring me to tears.

Just some thoughts...

How do you feel being sick and single?

Not Single? What do you like that your significant other does for you?

~ Daniel

Why I Write This Blog

This weekend I have been making Facebook Pages for all of my blogs, but especially sharing this one with more than my friends on Facebook worries me. I started writing about my life as a single person back in 2007 (first post found here). Before that I wrote a lot about my faith and life but hid that part of myself. I did not like being that vulnerable to anyone, whether it was in person or online.

However, once I got the feeling that I could be single for a while, I began to reconsider keeping it all to myself. I knew there would be other people like me out there, singles who feel they have to keep up a front and an image, to maintain that confidence. But honestly, sometimes keeping up that image is extremely tiring and exhausting to me, I just want to be myself... and I want people to like me for who I am; all the wonderful and not-so wonderful parts of myself.

So I started writing about myself. I kept all my writings mostly on Facebook, what they call "Notes". Then, a year ago they changed their privacy settings and many questions were brought up about who owns my writing on their site. Additionally, I didn’t really feel I was expressing myself all that well on Facebook as I could do on my own blog, which would include my own style and design, as well as my words.

This blog I called "Single Me" based on a blog (found here) I wrote about a year ago by the same name. Since then I have only shared this blog with my own friends on Facebook (and only sometimes with Family). A lot of the reason I haven’t made it public is anonymity, I really don’t think everyone in my life needs to know all my business; my feelings about singleness are personal. Still, I know there are those like me out there who long to connect with someone else, to share life with another person, and who feel that many times expressing those desires makes them seem insecure, whiny, and desperate.

So, with my making of my Single Me Facebook Page and an upgrade on this Single Me blog, I am now making this public. I would still like to be anonymous if I can, mostly because I see no need for employers, ministry or otherwise, to know all the details about my singleness or dating life, or lack there of.

Please have a look around, leave some comments on my Single Me Facebook Page - Like Share, and Invite others who might be interested. Feel free to comment on & Subscribe to my Blog. I certainly appreciate your thoughts, questions, and interest.

I know this is about me being single, but I also think those who are married might find it interesting to get a glimpse of a male who is single, who is also not a person who parties or someone trying to sow is royal oats, but who loves Christ and seeks to serve Him foremost, but also wants to be honest about his desires and feelings of being single in our culture (that includes American and Christian/Church culture). I hope you will join me in this journey…or continue if you have been with me so far…for however long or short it may be.

Blessings,

~ Daniel

Also, feel free to stop by another similar blog from a female perspective:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Sexy-Celibate-Blog/100817373380629

http://thesexycelibate.com/

Turning 30

I have been wanting and trying to write this post for a week. What I felt last weekend when my birthday arrived is hard to explain. Or maybe you might already understand what it means to turn 30, but to turn 30 and still be single is just such an issue (I had no family or friends to do anything for my birthday in-person). Turning 30 really kind of hit me in the face. I knew it was coming and I felt its weight as it got closer. I am three decades old. What have I accomplished? I have no spouse, no kids, no family, no home, no steady job, and no close friends where I live.

I know… I know... I need to keep positive and seek out relationships and friendships. I do try and things are better than they were a year ago. I am more confident in my current residency and I am working out now four days a week for one hour each session. I am feeling so much better and sleeping better. My back is hurting far less than before. I recently joined the choir which has been great because I am meeting new people and doing something I enjoy.

Still, despite all of this, I know my current job is temporary. I am not the person I was before this job, but I was also not the same person after graduate school or college. I guess I have never interviewed well or dated well. I suppose that is part of my introverted nature. I am good with people and things I know, but that beginning stage is very hard for me. I have been told when I do interviews I should tell them upfront I am an introvert and do not interview well. Not so sure how good that will work out for future employment opportunities or relationships.

I was reading a book for my hospital residency program that was speaking about elderly parents and how they depend on their children to take care of them. Then it hit me. If I stay single and do not have kids, who will take care of me? I admit. I was afraid. Fear struck me in that moment. My parents will likely be dead by then... and who will be by my side to comfort me then? I live by myself. Will friends come to my apartment to comfort me? If so, how long?

It just stinks to think about all the things I have gone through and struggled alone. It should make me feel like I can do anything, but it makes me feel more helpless and alone. I try my best to connect, and every so often I do meet a true and good friend, but then it seems like I have to move and leave that person.... I have to hope and pray I find someone else, that Gods puts someone else in my life so I can stay sane.

Sometimes I write because I feel I have no avenue for my emotions. I have no girlfriend or spouse to share my deepest thoughts toward or my poetic and romantic side. But I also only have one friend who is a guy who I could share deep things with right now. Sadly, that friend lives three hours away. We talk and visit when I have time, but with my schedule and with my finances, I can’t talk to or go see him as often as I would like sometimes.

It is just hard. I don’t know whether to cry and let tears flow or to get angry and beat something, punch my fist into the wall. But no amount of crying nor anger will change my situation. I try my best to stay sane, realistic, and maybe even positive; but every now and then, like last week, all these thoughts come swirling around in my head. Those thoughts I am so good at distracting myself from come at me full force and beat me down, bury me underneath my doubts and fears.

My one consolation in all of this right now is that Christ is with me, suffering as I suffer, mourning as I mourn, and being joyful when I am joyful. Christ is with me in heart and presence. He knows me better than anyone and he never has left me, though I admit I do not always feel his presence of hand in my life. My hope is in his good future and that when I turn 31, I will at least have a good and steady job. I just don’t know if I can take another few years of working retail or having to move back home. I love my family, but moving back home would be like admitting I am a failure, I was defeated, that all the work I put into everything was for no reason. All will have seemed to be in vain. Truly, that would bring me into a long depression. ARG! I guess I need to be more positive. I know I am blessed in so many ways. I know I am a great person of much worth. I just don’t know how to convince others of this fact. How do I sell myself to employers or to potential mates or even friends? I just don’t know. It is just tough.

~ Daniel

p.s. - I didn't even speak about the weight I feel as a male to have money, so I can be stable and to provide for a wife or kids, thus making me feel that dating is not good for me and/or I would be rejected for my current financial situation. In college it seemed like no one really cared, but after about 25, it seems that a man's worth (at least in dating) is bound up in $$$, which is funny (in a sad way), because as a minister I will never make that much even when I do have a stable job.

Being Single in the Church

In the next week, I am going to post two new blogs, both on different blogs of mine. One will be here on this site today, regarding being single in the church; and another on my main site focused on being poor in the church. Be warned, these will likely step on some toes, but my intent is not to point fingers but to open our eyes. I think some of us have lived in our country so long with its values, at times, we do not see how those Americanized values are at conflict with spreading the gospel and creating a deeper and more diverse community among its members. So here we go!

This past Sunday, two things really struck a chord in me, regarding being single in the church. No matter how people try to sell it or look at it, singles are ostracized in the church. In my opinion, singles and their classes, are one of the only classes that meet as a group that is inherently seen as lacking something. I know the hopes of such ministries are community and like-minded people, but like some arguments against youth ministries which go too far and divide the church, I think singles ministries cause division the church. At least, they divide the adults who are single from the rest of the flock. Do you know what the greatest potential danger from a singles ministry at the church? Isolation.

This past week, I joined the choir. Yes, some of the reasons I joined was because I like to sing and wanted to be involved; yet another reason was so I would be able to meet new people and not have to sit alone in church. Yes, you heard that right. As a single person, post-college, one of the things that annoy me the most is sitting alone in church where there are tons of people. It makes me feel so very alone, alone amongst a great amount of people. Now, I am not suggesting all couples and married people feel pity and run at these singles, but I would like to submit like anyone else in the church, they have lives and are also very able to be in friendship and community.

Even as a youth minister, I was only ever invited a few times to one persons home for a meal. It felt good to be invited by this family, to share in their life in those times. However, I remember a friend of mine who is married speaking about how him and his wife were invited by members in the church to come over for meals or to play board games all the time. I admit it saddened me, that I miss out of a lot of community in my church, among my brothers and sisters, because I am single.

What many in the church to not realize is that not only are singles separated to be alone, but they are also given a strong impression against male and female friendships. The theory goes that men and women cannot be friends, and if they are, at least one secretly likes another; so some males and females never become friends because this is a way to let the others know you do not find them attractive. However, we miss out on a lot of potential friendships. I admit, I totally miss having female friends like I did in college and graduate school.

Two examples I saw this week at my church:

The first thing that happened was that the church I attend is now separating our Sunday school group, which consisted of singles and married couples of the same age. They are creating a newly formed newly weds class. Of course, the married people are excited, because they get to be with people like them, but I think that is the whole problem. I really enjoyed the class because I got different perspectives and I appreciated my voice be heard and confirmed by those who were married. Also, I think it is good for those who are married to see what single people their age are struggling with at the same time they are having different issues. But alas, I suppose the church really enjoys dividing itself into niches. But what happens once we are all settled into our nice niches. How do we react to others who are different? I think it speaks volumes to the standards in the church that no one who is single is singled out until after college. To me, the church is saying, if you are still single past college, you are not normal. We will make a class for you until you one day reach normalcy and then you can join the rest of us in a regular Sunday school class.

Second, I was singing a song in choir and the irony weighed down on me because of the words I was singing and the sight I was beholding. The song was as follows:

Make us one Lord, Make us One,

Holy Spirit, Make us one,

Let your love flow,

So the world will know,

We are one in you.

What was the irony you might ask, that was a great song about unity? Well, as I looked out into the church I saw at least four people from my class, two guys and two girls, sitting alone and separated in various seats around the church. The truth is there are some ways we are not one. One of the ways is if you are single, you are an outsider. You are not normal. You should be married by now.... and another way we are not one is when it comes to the poor and money... and this, will be in my next blog.

But my cry and my prayer today is for the Lord to make us one,

Let us become one body with no one left behind,

No one left alone or isolated,

In the church all are welcome,

The gospel and the church are for all,

God's love is for anyone,

No matter where they are at in life.

A-men

~ Daniel