Almost to Buffalo

There is an odd feeling your last week of work. Your last day. The last few hours. You look around and feel as if everything is old, as if you have already moved beyond your surroundings but are going through the motions and waiting for the new thing to actually take place, to finally come to fruition.

On the eve of moving, to a new place and job, doubts always enter my mind. I wonder if my apartment will really be there. I wonder if my position will be cancelled and I will be totally and utterly confused and robbed of all that time and money.

I think about all the possibilities, all the wonder and new things. Some of them excite me but some of them honestly frighten me. I sometimes feel like a scared little boy. I feel small and out of place in the big world, in this big system in which I am only one small person trying to conquer and make it on his own.

Other times I feel large. I feel as if I am taking on something so large, and in doing so, I am becoming something larger as well, something greater myself. Perhaps, someone greater than myself. That with each step, each taking of a new risk, I am learning more, becoming more than I was and more of what I hope to be in the future.

I am on a journey, and don't most journeys have good and bad, excitement and fear? All of my feelings are all jumbled up. Yet, I can't always be feeling because I have to think, have to plan, to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible to save myself any grief, to make this a hopefully enjoyable experience.

I haven't been sleeping as well or working out as much lately. I have been packing, fixing my car, and getting my apartment cleaned for the move. In four days and I am out of my current apartment. In five days from this town. It is all so new. All so different. Buffalo is so many miles away from everything and everyone I have ever known. I can't imagine what missionaries go through leaving the country. At least I will still be in the states and speaking English.

I know this was the right decision, but with my personality as an introvert this change will take some time to adjust to, as all changes take time for myself. However, God has blessed me and I have grown more as I have taken every step the last few years. I am glad I made this choice and am making this move, but it doesn't mean I am 100% comfortable.

Something I have learned about God and Faith is that you don't grow when you are comfortable, you either become stagnant or regress. However, when we are challenged, when we take risks, when we push further than ourselves, than the people we are currently (or were in the past) and more-so into the person we wish to become... Well, that is the place where radical shifts in growth and in our thought process take place.

So, to those who know me personally, please pray. Pray that He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it... and that I will continue to work hard and challenge myself, not only for Christ and His Kingdom but also to grow myself personally and professionally.

I also pray for those of you who are reading this and pondering what God has for you next. Ponder no longer.

You know that thing that makes you uncomfortable, that idea that makes you squirm? You know those types of people you don't like too much? You know that thing that you want to do yet keep putting off? Well, odds are that is where God is working in you and you are holding yourself and your potential back.

I pray you push forward. I pray you become uncomfortable. Perhaps if we were more uncomfortable there would be less poverty and war. Perhaps if we were uncomfortable, we would ask people to put down their smart phones and talk to us one-on-one over a cup of coffee.

Blessings to you my friends and readers, single and married alike.
May you follow God with all your heart, soul, and mind..
And may you love your neighbor as yourself

Single Me

Men Who Cheat And Neglect

There is something I have wanted to write about for a while now, except I really could not find the words to express my discontent. For years now I have watched as female friends, close and acquaintances, have men treat them poorly. My guess is in the beginning these men charm them, spending their time and money, making females feel loved and worthwhile. However, as the relationship moves on in time, they begin to show their selfish intent and needs, whether it is merely desiring someone to have sex, do chores, or raise the children.

These men seem to be very individualistic and I cannot express how much it frustrates, annoys, and angers me that they would throw away a good relationship, relationships with such beautiful, enjoyable, intellectually stimulating, and humorous females. Here are the two main ways I see these men messing up their lives, relationships, and marriages.

(1) Cheating: From what I understand, men who cheat have a tendency to go on in an affair until they are caught. My understanding in this is that problems existed in the relationship and instead of working on good communication, trying to work on compromises and solutions, these men decide to look elsewhere for fresh meat. They are enamored with the idea of a new woman and new relationship. To quote a movie I watched once, "All new things eventually become old". Let that truth sink in a moment... The truth is these men will never be satisfied and the sad thing is they do not know this and neither do the females to whom they date or show affection.

As a single person, it really aggravates me that some men are not satisfied with one relationship but have to go looking for more and more. Yes, people have problems, but cheating will only make things worse, much worse, and unless both people get counseling (Together for couples counseling OR the man for why he cheats and the female for why she falls for such men) nothing will be resolved and the cycle is likely to continue.

(2) Neglect: Can I just say, men, I know some of you like video games, but when you spend so much time playing video games that you neglect your wife. I mean.. Are you kidding me? Do you really prefer a video game to your wife? I have known and seen some of your wives and there is no way I would neglect them for video games. You want challenge in your life? Try a real life challenge of being in a loving and challenging relationship with your wife, where you push one another to be better people. Try a relationship where you and your wife share interests and expand your life, becoming well-rounded individuals.

I know it is not only video games, sometimes it is work. If you have a work that requires you to work so much you are not at home and can be with your wife or kids (or are to exhausted to be with them) you need to look for another job. Yes, short-term this will make you very busy, but your family will appreciate that you are now busy trying to make more space and time for your relationships into the future, that you treasure and value your family, not merely seeing them as wall paintings in your home as you pass by each morning and night.

I know in the ministry this is a big one, because churches many times overwork their ministers. Sit down with your church and let them know you need boundaries for your family and your own sake. If you get fired for not being available, you might state at your resignation or firing that you would not neglect your family for your work, even if it was God's work.

Finally, if you would rather be working than be at home with your significant other, that is a whole other issue. It would be good to actually go home, work on better communication, and perhaps seek counseling as well.

I know I am a single guy saying these things and some men may say I don’t understand. I do understand relationships are complex and can become increasingly complicated over time. However, what I can say is that I hear the crying and hurting and yearning of females I know for men to truly be men, not because they are muscular or like sports or enjoy hunting, but because they know how to make commitments, take responsibility, and be a good boyfriend, fiance, or husband.

~ Daniel

The One that Got Away

It is odd looking back, wondering what if things would have been different. What if she had chosen to say yes, instead of saying no? What if love had ever had the least chance to develop, instead of turning into dust, into vapor, floating far far away? Alas, time moves on, years pass, trying to find new friends, new relationships; yet your mind wonders, what if? What are they doing now? Does she ever even think about me? Does she wonder what I am doing or could she care less?

I think about trying to make contact sometimes, but I wasn’t the one who ceased our friendship, who ceased communication. I did have to completely cut her from my life. Why? It was just too much, too torturous to see someone you were once so close to ignore you. To know you tried to be friends, but you were not the one who rejected her, she was the one who rejected you.

I try to convince myself that if I tried to reinitiate a friendship years later that it would be just for that, friendship; but a sneaking part of me still thinks, years later, perhaps I still want more, still desire a relationship. However, we are two different people now, with years of separate experiences between us, dividing us, putting distance between us. I feel if I tried to reconnect, with the shortening of that distance, a lot of questions, a lot of feeling and doubts would only resurface.

I might feel that rejection all over again, rush over me like a deep dark sludge, sticking to the crevices of my mind, reminding me of how I felt back then. Reminding me of how I don’t want to feel that way again. Reminding me how I don’t want to give anyone the power to make me feel that way, so small and insignificant, like we had never been close at all.

Who knows, maybe it was hard for her too, just so hard we couldn’t be friends. Maybe too confusing. Maybe I look back so much because I don’t have anything at the moment to propel me forward, to start my momentum and vision in a more hopeful manner and future direction. Oh, how long we can spend staring into the past, wondering, brooding, being consumed by who we were, by how we were treated. However, the past is previous, the present is now, and the future is what we make it. Shall our futures be riddled day after day with the thoughts of the past, with things we cannot ever change?

Perhaps the one that got away is not the one is the past, but the one in the present, and in the future, the ones we keep missing because we are too blind, too stuck in our old ways to see new potential, to make changes, to takes risks. Perhaps, because we let fear and rejection blind us, we cannot see the great potentials that our right in front of our faces. Yes, maybe it was not she in the past who got away, but the ones right now who are getting away, every time we let the past define us, instead of defining ourselves in the present, thus redefining our self in the future.

I want to move on. I have tried, but with every new rejection, my resolve lessens, my confidence wanes, and depression once again knocks at my door, pounding louder and louder. And yet, if I never try again, I will never find the hope; never find the confidence to open up to someone again. I must press forward, must make a change, and must get unstuck from my complacency.

Now is the time.

~ Daniel

The Nice Guy/Girl Parodox

What exactly is the Nice Guy/Girl Paradox? Well, primarily, I will be speaking from my point of view, so this is from a guy; yet I think many females also find themselves in the same category, asking similar questions. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately that talk about how nice guys need to stop whining. Now, some of these blogs are right, in that some self-proclaimed nice guys are really jerks in disguise, hoping their niceness will get them dates and sex. This is not what I am talking about, I am speaking of real nice guys, men who genuinely want a deep connection to someone else, who desire a long-term relationship, which may one day lead to marriage and maybe a family.

I have heard some advice around that says that such nice guys need to man-up*, to have a what-ever attitude, to understand that their are lots of fish in the sea, each female only being one of million or billions for them to go out with at any time. This is really a lie. Why? Because I dont think nice guys are looking for millions of relationships. I know for myself, I have only ever been seriously  interested and dated a few women, mostly starting in college. My guess is that some think the end justifies the means when it comes to dating, meaning that if jerks can get dates and girlfriends, then they must be doing something right that the rest of us nicer beings are doing wrong.

THE PERCEPTION:

While I do think it is true that jerks get more dates, I think there are a few reasons why, which indeed nice guys can learn. However, I do not think the non-caring attitude, nor the one that treats the other as merely an object of sexual and/or emotional gratification is right either. Instead, I think there are three main reasons the jerks seem to get more dates:

(1) Risk-Taking: Why do girls seem to like the guy in the leather jacket or the one on the motorcycle? Why do girls like guys who go skydiving or want to travel? There is something adventurous, something about being swept off their feet that I think females tend to enjoy. From my own perspective, most of those things terrify me, not to mention how much money they cost (yes, I am very frugal with money). However, I think risk-taking is even seen in that first instance when a guy likes a girl. He takes a risk upfront in asking her out. For the jerk, he doesn't care if it is yes or no. If it is a yes, he is in; however, if it is a no, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Nice guys and girls, myself included, need to be willing to take more risks. This can be asking someone out, going out with someone you aren't sure about, or doing something that might be awkward or make you uncomfortable as a person. This bring us to the second issue...

(2) Rejection: Since jerks seem to be risk-takers, they are also very good at handling rejection, either by not caring or learning how to push back their feelings to get the job done. As I said, I don't think the answer is lying to ourselves about how rejection makes us feel. It hurts, but what we can learn from jerks is that if we focus on rejection, we are not focusing on new possibilities. We get so hung up on one person, we lose sight of other maybes. I don't think this means we will move from dating a few to a million significant others, but I do think it can help us move forward faster.

(3) Confidence: I think jerks exude confidence*, which is why females are so attracted to them. Because they seem not to care about anything or anyone, everyone is intrigued. Who is this person? What makes them tick? Now, whether that confidence is a reality outside of the dating atmosphere is debatable; however, having more confidence means we fear rejection less and are more willing to take risks, thus giving us even more confidence. See the cycle, I think it feeds itself. Now, in jerks, I think it stems from unhealthy relations to others and self, but in healthy people, I think it is the ability to move forward and adapt. If we stay stagnant, doing what we are doing and have already done, the simple truth is nothing is going to change for us. Something must change, so if we cannot change every other person we want to be interested in, that means we must change ourselves. I am not talking about lying to others nor manipulating them, but building up our own self-esteem and self-identity, becoming comfortable in who we are already and who we are becoming.

Now, in addition, we also must remember that even though jerks seem to be getting lots of dates, relationships, and significant others; the truth is that their jerkiness becomes very unattractive at a certain point, thus making them loose dates. This means that one can only be so much of a jerk before they become dateless or even a creeper or stalker. Why? The truth is we all have standards and we all over time will shed our pseudo selves because who we really are is always inside dying to be free.

 THE TRUTH:

See, the truth is that at a certain point jerks, men or women, are going to falter. Especially as the relationship begins to linger, the thought of exclusivity and commitment will inevitably come up. This is where jerks will get scared and leave. Yes, many out there have the thought that maybe that person will change. It may be possible, but I think it is highly improbable. Indeed, to believe that you out of everyone that person has dated will change their lifestyle, personality, and worldview is a tad much. So, with jerks, the following chart demonstrates how the relationship will dwindle over time.

What I think this means is that maybe in short-term and bad relationships, jerks have the upper-hand. Yes, from a quantitative point of view, they will seem to win every time; but is that really winning? If what one desires is a long-lasting and mutual relationship that is going somewhere, it seems that jerks lose, they shouldn't even be on our radar for a comparison. Therefore, what I propose is a new way to look at dating, one where we don't compare ourselves to people who have dated numerous times, but one that may take some concepts for jerks that can help us on our own way. I think this means learning to take risks, learning to better handle and deal with rejection, increasing our self-esteem, and solidifying our own identity (being happy in who we are and what we do). Then, I think dating and relationships, look more like the following.

So, the paradox that says being a nice guy or girl will not get you dates or long-term relationships, in my opinion, is false. It all depends on what you are actually want and desire from a  relationship. If you desire a meaningful relationship, you cannot be a jerk, it isn't going to work. Of course, as with all things, the truth is hard, it means we may have to do some hard work on ourselves (and stop blaming others). It may mean we need to stop dating and find out who we really are apart from others. However, for some it may mean taking more chances or learning to get over rejection. I think it all depends on the person, but certainly improving our self is never a bad thing and can only increase our confidence and therefore, increase our datability as well.

~ Daniel

* Click included linked text for some relevant & interesting articles I found online.

My Weight Until Now: Part 2 of 2

To Read Part One: Click Here

As you have read, by college I was 285, which is a good amount of money but not weight. My freshmen year, I was on a meal plan, so it was easy for me to start portion control. I would eat until I was satisfied and then if I got hungry, bad luck, because I couldn’t afford anything in my room. Also, that year I learned the awesome sport of racquetball. I played so much that year, and the years to come in college. My only problem was, if there was no one to play with, I simply would not go workout, or even go and play a bit by myself. To me it still was not exercise or work, but a game for fun. By my sophomore year, I had lost some weight, and was probably down to 250. However, the problem was that my sophomore year, I liked this female (a lot, more about this in another blog) and when I got rejected, it really hurt. I was depressed of course, so I stopped playing racquetball, hid myself in my room, and ate (cause now I had some money to buy food). By the end of the year, I had gained back all my weight.

During graduate school and the two year after that working retail, I mostly maintained my weight. I did start trying to eat healthier things, which is good, but I was still far from exercising. I was just too busy or too tired, but really I wasn’t too anything, I just wanted excuses not to work out because it is hard, difficult, and inconvenient. In addition, because of bladder infections and a small kidney infection, I decided to start drinking less sodas and more water. This is when I cut down to one soda a day and most of the time, even to this day, will be walking around with a water bottle.

However, between graduate school and my current residency, I was pretty depressed about not having a good job, paying student loans, and working the two jobs I did have... and so, yes I enjoyed food. Bad food is cheap and it is easy to use food as a reward system or to partake merely because it tastes good. It can be something good when you feel like crap. The problem is that temporary good keeps adding up, turning into more pounds, and more weight... not just physical weight but also mental and emotional weight, because then you get depressed because you are big... and to feel better you eat to feel better, and so forth and so on... I think you get the cycle.

When I first started my residency, I had no money; I had used almost everything to move, so for the first few months, all I ate was sandwiches and spaghetti (Sandwiches are cheap and I got a box of spaghetti from a friend). It lasted me about 4-6 months. Of course, now looking back, all I can think is: I was eating so many carbs and so much starch! Anyway this brings me to what I think of as: The Change.

The Change happens to people for different reasons. Mine happened because of a patient I saw at the hospital. I was meeting with this guy who was really obese, so obese he was in one of the large beds and also had a variety of medical issues. This man was about my age and married. The problem was that he was so overweight that he could not have the gastric bypass surgery that could help him to save his life. The doctor said he had to lose weight, not just to get the surgery but to prove it wasn’t going to be a waste if it was done with him. I was glad to hear the man had a plan and would hopefully be back soon for the surgery; however, it made me really think about my own weight. Do I really want to be this big? Do I want to be this unhealthy? Do I want to be that man in the bed in 10-20 years going through the same thing?

My answer was a resounding no, so I started being even more intentional about eating better, getting advice from people and looking up better things to eat online. This was not going to be some diet but a life change. I was going to eat better and keep learning and changing to eat better. I also needed to start exercising immediately, so I started with a goal of working out twice a week for thirty minutes. The sad thing is it was so hard, not the time but the actually work. I just hadn’t forced my body to move like that. Over the next few months I kept increasing the days I worked out and the amount of time. I am proud to say now I am working out four times a week for one hour each. Yes, mostly I play racquetball... still my first love for exercise, but when I cannot play I do strength training and/or workout at my apartment. There are no excuses anymore, but the work is starting to pay off.

When I started working out and eating better in February of 2012 I was 325 pounds, then got down to 305, then 295, and last time (before Christmas) I was at 291. So, I have lost about 30 pounds, which has been a lot of work for me, not just physically but also emotionally and mentally (and it still is work, hard but beneficial work). My next goal is to get to 275, then 250. I just hope and pray I can keep this up, because it is so easy to just eat badly or not to work out. However, while I may be bad sometimes, I have stayed with my conviction enough that I have not once just stopped completely. I have persevered and hope to continue, I will continue.

If I am being honest, the next couple of months are going to be tough. I start looking for jobs in February to hopefully have a job before my residency ends in September. I am most fearful of getting depressed, anxious, and/or nervous and eating poorly; in addition to, not working out like I need to during this time. However, I am on the right track now and I don’t really think giving up is an option anymore. I am fighting for my future self, for me, for whoever may be my future wife and for any future kids. I want me to be happy and have more energy. I want to be around for a long while.

So, that is my journey thus far.

What has your journey been like?
Have you had The Change? If so, what happened?
What has been your relationship with food?
What has been your relationship with exercising?
What has been your relationship with a healthy self-image?

I am so very interested in YOUR story too, please comment or message me.

God Bless you in your own journey, whatever it may be!

~ Daniel

My Weight Until Now: Part 1 of 2

I have been pondering writing about my weight for a while now. Alongside dating, it is something very personal to me, not only how much and how far I have to go, but also some of the reasons why it has taken so long and is so hard to start anew.

I began my journey of being overweight (which turned into morbid obesity in college; however, let’s start with being overweight). My journey began in middle school. To look at any pictures of me now from middle school, one wouldn’t really know I was very much overweight, or at least beginning to be overweight. I remember at one point in middle school looking at the scale and it reading about 135 pounds. That means by the age of 12-14, I was already getting close to the actual weight I should be at today for a male with a height of 5-6".

I remember looking at the scale, thinking: What the hek? How did I get that big? What am I doing to myself? Of course, being so young, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t really have a lot of conviction at that age. I really really did not like being up in front of people... and I knew from TV shows that if I became the big guy I would have to (1) Stay under the radar, (2) I would get made fun of, or (3) I would have to become the funny guy. I mostly tried to stay under the radar from bullies (not that they were like the ones on TV), but sometimes the other two options popped up. Also, at that age, I was also dealing a lot with other changes, so that is the first time I let my weight slide. Instead of dealing with my weight and/or talking to my parents about my concerns, I just pushed back those thoughts, ate whatever I wanted, and didn’t exercise. This is all before highschool.

In highschool, at least for lunch, I remember eating very horrible every day. I almost never ate from the regular lunch line. I would eat pizza, burritos, or some other fried foods. I would also try to get Twix or some soda if I had the money. It isn’t that these things are bad, but things like these should not be eaten every day, five times a week, for nine months. In highschool, I really "blossomed". I think highschool is when I gained the most amount of weight; my guess is I went from about 150 or 160 to about 285 by the time of graduation. I already said I didn’t eat well, but I also stopped playing outside, so besides not exercising intentionally, I was also not playing outside with friends anymore. Of course, this wasn’t intentional, they were just in ROTC or sports and I was, well... in choir. Don’t get me wrong, I loved choir, but if I could go back, I would tell myself to get in order.

Did you have weight issued early in life? If so, explain.
Did you have self-image issues? What were they?

I am so very interested in YOUR story, please comment or message me.

God Bless you in your own journey, whatever it may be!

~ Daniel

To Read Part Two: Click Here

On Being Sick

I have been sick this weekend.

I remember when I was in elementary school, I was feeling sick one day and my mom had to come get me. My dad was going to the airport for his work, so she took me to my grandma’s house. I remember having me grandma attended to every one of my needs as I lay on her couch watching TV with a nice blanket.

I remember all those times when I was young and my mom would make me soup or grilled cheese, give me my medications, and sometimes try to mix in my nasty medicine into a green-colored glass filled with a nice cold Sprite (this worked until I was old enough to figure out her trickery, ha).

The longer I live by myself, the more I feel like I appreciate and miss those times. My throat was feeling horrible yesterday, I didn’t want to leave my apartment, but I had to... I had to leave and go get some soup and ice cream (which have, in fact, helped).

I guess being sick, just reminds you that sometimes being single and living alone, it is the little things that bother me. I mean, I notice every time I get sick, my apartment just gets dirty, I just don’t have the energy to clean up after myself. I can usually tell when I am feeling better because I start cleaning my apartment from when I was sick.

Even as a guy, it would be nice to have someone who would hold and take care of me in such times... and to have someone to hold and take care of when she was feeling sick as well. It is just something else you have to learn to deal with when living by yourself.

If you are ever looking for a way as a married person to minister or show care to someone who is single, try something as simple as getting them medications or some soup (or ice cream!) when they are sick. If someone showed up at my door with some soup, even if it was the most horrible tasting soup, that show of love and care would really (1) Surprise me and (2) Might bring me to tears.

Just some thoughts...

How do you feel being sick and single?

Not Single? What do you like that your significant other does for you?

~ Daniel