Being Single in the Church

In the next week, I am going to post two new blogs, both on different blogs of mine. One will be here on this site today, regarding being single in the church; and another on my main site focused on being poor in the church. Be warned, these will likely step on some toes, but my intent is not to point fingers but to open our eyes. I think some of us have lived in our country so long with its values, at times, we do not see how those Americanized values are at conflict with spreading the gospel and creating a deeper and more diverse community among its members. So here we go!

This past Sunday, two things really struck a chord in me, regarding being single in the church. No matter how people try to sell it or look at it, singles are ostracized in the church. In my opinion, singles and their classes, are one of the only classes that meet as a group that is inherently seen as lacking something. I know the hopes of such ministries are community and like-minded people, but like some arguments against youth ministries which go too far and divide the church, I think singles ministries cause division the church. At least, they divide the adults who are single from the rest of the flock. Do you know what the greatest potential danger from a singles ministry at the church? Isolation.

This past week, I joined the choir. Yes, some of the reasons I joined was because I like to sing and wanted to be involved; yet another reason was so I would be able to meet new people and not have to sit alone in church. Yes, you heard that right. As a single person, post-college, one of the things that annoy me the most is sitting alone in church where there are tons of people. It makes me feel so very alone, alone amongst a great amount of people. Now, I am not suggesting all couples and married people feel pity and run at these singles, but I would like to submit like anyone else in the church, they have lives and are also very able to be in friendship and community.

Even as a youth minister, I was only ever invited a few times to one persons home for a meal. It felt good to be invited by this family, to share in their life in those times. However, I remember a friend of mine who is married speaking about how him and his wife were invited by members in the church to come over for meals or to play board games all the time. I admit it saddened me, that I miss out of a lot of community in my church, among my brothers and sisters, because I am single.

What many in the church to not realize is that not only are singles separated to be alone, but they are also given a strong impression against male and female friendships. The theory goes that men and women cannot be friends, and if they are, at least one secretly likes another; so some males and females never become friends because this is a way to let the others know you do not find them attractive. However, we miss out on a lot of potential friendships. I admit, I totally miss having female friends like I did in college and graduate school.

Two examples I saw this week at my church:

The first thing that happened was that the church I attend is now separating our Sunday school group, which consisted of singles and married couples of the same age. They are creating a newly formed newly weds class. Of course, the married people are excited, because they get to be with people like them, but I think that is the whole problem. I really enjoyed the class because I got different perspectives and I appreciated my voice be heard and confirmed by those who were married. Also, I think it is good for those who are married to see what single people their age are struggling with at the same time they are having different issues. But alas, I suppose the church really enjoys dividing itself into niches. But what happens once we are all settled into our nice niches. How do we react to others who are different? I think it speaks volumes to the standards in the church that no one who is single is singled out until after college. To me, the church is saying, if you are still single past college, you are not normal. We will make a class for you until you one day reach normalcy and then you can join the rest of us in a regular Sunday school class.

Second, I was singing a song in choir and the irony weighed down on me because of the words I was singing and the sight I was beholding. The song was as follows:

Make us one Lord, Make us One,

Holy Spirit, Make us one,

Let your love flow,

So the world will know,

We are one in you.

What was the irony you might ask, that was a great song about unity? Well, as I looked out into the church I saw at least four people from my class, two guys and two girls, sitting alone and separated in various seats around the church. The truth is there are some ways we are not one. One of the ways is if you are single, you are an outsider. You are not normal. You should be married by now.... and another way we are not one is when it comes to the poor and money... and this, will be in my next blog.

But my cry and my prayer today is for the Lord to make us one,

Let us become one body with no one left behind,

No one left alone or isolated,

In the church all are welcome,

The gospel and the church are for all,

God's love is for anyone,

No matter where they are at in life.

A-men

~ Daniel

Rejection and Affection

I've had a really emotional weekend, which is abnormal for me. I am a thinker. But I have been unable to control my emotions and feelings this weekend. I was fine until this past Thursday. I was sitting in my office, finishing a quick game of chess before my co-worker beat me once again. No, it wasn’t that they beat me; it was that while we were playing another co-worker came in to confirm going out to eat for lunch. They were going out to eat with an old co-worker, one who I would have liked to see again, but no one said a word about me coming nor invited me (I don't like to self-invite).

We finished the game and I went to start some work on my computer, while I am working one of my co-workers comes in and asks me to cover the floors of all my other co-workers while they were out to lunch. Normally, I wouldn't have cared, but I couldn't believe the audacity and I was taken aback. I mean, honestly, I don’t know if I would have joined them, but to not be asked, and then to be asked to take their floors. It made me feel so little. Why was I not invited? Why do I feel like this happens to me often?

For the rest of that day I kept busy. I wept a little at my desk. I do not like being or even feeling rejected. The past few years these times hit me a lot more, since I have no family near me and I have had to move many times and make new friends. I feel like I try my best to invest and then am rejected. When I feel like this I just want to shut everyone out. Being single and 29, I think I understand why those people in the movies become workaholics, because what else gives you purpose if not friends and family, all one if left with is their work. Right?

Anyway, so I worked through my emotions and thought I was feeling better until this morning. I was on-call yesterday for work and got off this morning. I went to Sunday school and then to church. I sat by myself. I really hate sitting by myself, but then the church began to fill and I still was by myself. I saw people I knew passing me by to sit elsewhere... and yep, those feelings from earlier started to creep back. I moved from my seat and tried to sit in the back but it was no good. I felt so alone in a church building with people all around me... Now, I have sat by myself before. Being single you usually learn this will happen from time to time. But today I just couldn’t do it. I felt myself wanting to cry. I told myself to suck it up and be a man already but it didn’t help (hint: it usually doesn't anyway). I finally got my bible and water and left. I went to my car and drove back to my apartment. I guess part of me thinks if I am going to feel so alone, maybe I should just be alone. I don’t know... maybe I can be more distracted or let my emotions go in private.

I don’t know what to do. Being single and alone in a new city. Well, everyone has advice, everyone tells me to get outside my box. The thing is I do... and have. I try things, but as an introvert I only have so much energy and I also have limits, set-in borders that come up when I feel the need to protect myself. When I feel or sense rejection now I close and clam up, letting nothing in and nothing out, except sometimes through writing. I want to talk about it, but it always feels like I am whining, like I am needy... And maybe I am needy. I am in need to affection, of community, but where do I get such community. My family and good friends are in other towns. It is just hard having no one here I can sit with and just be myself, just unload all of this that is going on. I just want to cry sometimes, other times I want to scream. There are others times I want to yell at people, those who I have felt hurt from. Still... there are other times I want to ask questions, questions you are not allowed to ask because they would be improper: Why are you rejecting me? Why wasn’t I invited? Is there something wrong with me? Part of me wants to know and part of me doesn’t want to know I suppose. I just feel hurt today. I have all these feelings and no where to put them, no where to organize or set them. They, for now, seem stuck on the surface, welling up through my face and coming out in tears and in anger making my face flush.

I don’t know why I felt compelled to write this. I will likely not share this on my FB, so these people in real life don’t know what is going on. Sharing stuff like this might make people I know in real life distance even more from me because me being so open makes them uncomfortable or because I might make them feel awkward. What sucks is I don’t want to make them feel awkward, I want them to understand what it is like for some of us, those of us who are single and on our own, who feel so alone surrounded by so many people sometimes, so many people that don’t invite us or talk to us. And I also know it is not always singles who feel alone.

I guess I am just having one of those days or weekends, sometimes things hit my like this and after a few days or a week, I will feel better. It comes in strides... I wish there was something to do about it but since it is emotions and dealing with life, all I can do is pray to God and push forward. I can still try to reach my hand out and make friends, but not be so concerned with reactions of others. All I can do is be myself and hope every so often good, strong, and deep connections might be made. When that happens, I am so thankful to God for meeting and relating to someone, someone who seems to get me in a way that so many other do not.

~ Daniel

Pic:
http://s1.favim.com/orig/201109/14/ampdream-of-perfecting-ampdream-of-perfection-crave-affection-want-attention-we-fear-rejection-Favim.com-144589.jpg

How Did I Get Here?

Sometimes I wonder how I got here. How did I get to the age of 29, still single, not even dating? I know I missed a lot of opportunities in college, though I really didn’t have the money then and lacked the mobility (a.k.a. A Car). I feel like college would have been, and still is for those younger than me, the best time to date other people. Why? Well, they are in your classes, your cafeteria, your clubs, and organizations; not to mention the network of friends, who know other friends, gets to be pretty rich to meet new people. But in college, I still wasn’t really emotionally ready. I did like one girl, but she didn’t feel the same. Then, she wanted to be friends on her terms, never returning my calls but then getting frustrated when I didn’t return an Instant Message at 2AM cause I was tired and going to sleep. I guess I just have a hard time getting over rejection, seems like it takes me like two or three years to get over someone if I really liked them and invested time in them, invested myself in them, even if we were not dating.

As a matter of fact, I didn’t go on my first date until graduate school. I took her out for Chinese and to see The Hulk (the one with Edward Norton, eh... it was OK). I had a feeling she wasn’t into me, but then she would open up to me and we would talk for hours. I guess I was confused but also too infatuated to be reasonable. I had this gut feeling she was using me emotionally, because I was a good guy and a listener, but when it came down to it she wanted nothing more; so she cut ties. She also said she wanted to be friends, and of course, my attempts came back void, were all in vain. I hated that I liked her so much, and maybe that is why she never responded, but it is hard investing so much into another person, than having all of that totally blocked off, especially when you are an introvert.

Lately, I suppose I have been feeling lonely once again. I miss my family and my friends. I do like my job here, but starting over in a new place from scratch is tough, and I really enjoy deep friendships, but getting there is hard work, and you really have to sometimes try to invest yourself in many places before you find friendships that really work and are reciprocal. Of course, part of me also would like to think about dating and being in a relationship. I mean, my older brother is engaged and getting married in a few months, so that makes me happy for him but sad for myself in some ways. I know so many are happy for him; yet I feel certain questions and expectations from those same people, asking me: When are you going to get married? Why aren’t you dating anyone?

Honestly, I do think about it, but the program I am in right now is only temporary, so I will have to be moving who knows where for a job in about another year or so. Plus, I can barely afford to live for myself, with student loans, bills, and this next month I will start trying to save money for my move to wherever next year. I trust in all of this God knows what he is doing. I have to trust I know what I am doing somewhat as well. It is just hard sometimes, because when you are single and living alone, you feel you live for yourself, which sometimes makes you feel selfish; but it isn’t, because it isn’t even by choice but by necessity.

I miss having roommates, miss having someone to come home too like I did in college. I miss sharing life with someone in the day to day that isn’t my face in the mirror. I feel in many ways the new job market is bad because people my age have to constantly move from friends and family, so while they are advancing their career, there is a part of them that is left behind, all those invested relationships. Sure we have Facebook and texting, maybe even a phone call, but it isn’t the same as face to face contact. It isn’t the same as sitting down at a coffee shop with friends you have known or going out to eat with your family. It is just different and it is something that is missed. I long for that kind of community again.

Then again, the past is not the present, nor the future; perhaps something better is coming along for me. I just wish it would get here. It is tough trying to hold on, hoping something better will come, and that the next place will be a place I can stay for a long while. I can invest without feeling I will have to just leave again in a few years. I know God has some plan. I want to be involved in that plan. But I also desire a tight-knit community to be apart of, one that won’t evaporate on me. A community that I can invest in and will invest in me for the long haul. I want a place where I am able to be myself, as corny or serious as I may be. I pray that God keep me calm; that my worries, anxieties, and frustrations wouldn’t own or depress me, but that I would continue to seek wisdom, love, and community... and of course, that Christ always remain the core and focus of my vision for my life not matter how I feel. And that Christ love may rest on me, give me peace, and continue to be a beautiful song in my life and my soul.

~ Daniel

Hard Week

It has been a very hard week for me. You always feel pretty self-sufficient until something comes along and shakes you in your boots, makes you quiver in your skin, perhaps makes you angry, annoyed, or fall to the floor in tears. I have written a lot on this blog about being single, as it relates to dating and being a minister, but the absence of close friends and family is also something very big, especially for those who are single and moving around, always having to go to the next place, make another life, be in another community, and start new friendships.

This week was the first time in this new town that I had car trouble and that might seem minor, but it makes me feel so out of control. It reminds me of being back in high school and college, when I had to depend on others, when I was not free to go anywhere and wasn’t able to feel useful and productive with a job because I lacked transportation. It is also very odd to call people, whom I have only known a few months, and ask for help. I don’t want to seem like I am merely using people, but it feels that way, because I haven’t been in this town long enough to make really close friends and don’t really know who to call, on whom it wouldn't be a burden and who won't think I am trying to use them and take their friendship for granted. I did have one person from church and one person from work come to help me jump my car, once this Money and another time after I was on-call  Friday so I could drive to the shop. From no water in my battery, new batteries, check engine light, car not starting, corroded battery clamps/cables, and spending 2.5 hours at the auto shop after a 24hr on-call; it has just been a emotionally exhausting week, as well as financially, shelling out $100 for a battery and $300 for repairs (and I may have not even needed a new battery!).

I am feeling better now I suppose, but some residual feelings are still left. I don’t like not having order, not having control. I do not like feeling like my life is chaotic. I wonder about all the bad things that can happen. My car breaking down and I can’t go to work. Can’t find a ride. Can’t find someone to help. Everything worked out but I still do not like those feelings. I felt a lot calmer when I was around family, because a broke down car meant nothing bad, just call family; my mom or dad, maybe my brother, they would come and help. It will be OK. But when you are own your own, away from everyone, you only have your self, you are all alone; at least that is how it feels. You have to relearn everything, make new friends, and go to another church. Sometimes it is just so much. After moving to Lubbock, I would like a job here or only to move another time, then stay put for a long while. I am tired of moving, of being and feeling uprooted. I want to make friends and not have to leave anymore.

The odd thing is, I am so blessed, and everything turned out fine; yet emotionally I still feel icky somehow. I guess I would just like some peace, some stability. I am thankful for where I am at, yet I know I will likely have to move again and do all this over again. I guess I am getting better at moving but I want to be better at staying, at being. If I have to move again, I want it to be in a place where I can stay for at least 5-15 years. I want a good job, deep and long friendships, and to be in a church knowing I wont be there for the short-term.

~ Daniel

Edit: Sorry I repeated myself. I noticed as I was editing this but I am leaving it because I think it shows my emotions somehow in all of this.

Letter to Females

For a long time I have wanted to open up about my feelings regarding this but I couldn’t figure out how. There are too many variables in life that block me from expressing my feelings in this manner, so I do my best to encourage sometimes in the small amount that culture allows me to, but it still seems rather trite and empty. I do not want it to be that way, I don’t want my expressions of appreciation and encouragement to be so small and seemingly shallow, but I don’t know how to move forward, to push over the cultural hump I find myself.

Let me Explain.
What am I wanting to say?

It is hard for me to open up, to females. I am always wondering how they are going to see my comment, my conversations; just as mere words, or might they be looking for subtext that is not present. In the place where you find yourself a single male, going towards your thirties, how do you open up to females who are single or who are married? To the singles I feel my discussion gets misconstrued into thinking I am interested in them, as if I am attracted to them and want to date them. To those who are married, my discussion comes off probably as just odd. I am not supposed to be chatting with married women. That is how it feels.

Where do I find my way to be open?

Where do I find a way to express,
A way that is acceptable?

A way that won’t leave me or the other feeling odd,
But a way that brings us closer together,
As a brother and sister in the faith,
As common people in the thread of humanity?

There are many things I want to say, to express, to my female friends, my females sisters in the faith, but I can’t find an outlet, cannot find a way, so I suppose this is the best way I can think of to tell you what I think, what I feel about who you are, and who you are going to become...

Let me get started...

For a long time now I have seen you question yourself. I have seen you define yourself through the eyes and desires and needs of others. I see you squander and hide yourself and your identity behind the cloak of someone else. You seek their approval for who you are, who you have been, letting that define your self and who you will be and become in the future.

You are stronger than you think.

I see strength in you, a strength you must really not know you have, and one I see in the day to day. Many of you strive for perfection, though this may sometimes go overboard, it shows your dedication and sincere thoughts for the things you do and want to accomplish. To the home mom, I see strength in your care and concern for your child, for your home, and for the lives of your husbands and kids. I see this strength in the woman who works; who leaves her kids each day, has been left by her grown children, or is working to better herself. I see the most strength in the single moms, who perform all functions of raising children while also working. I find it ironic that the most hard-working women are the ones who are likely to be judged so much more than anyone else. You stick with your children, love them. You wear your family as a badge of honor and rightfully so... It is sad to think people use it as a way to judge your past in some way, trying to sow honor as dishonor.

In You I see Beauty.

I am not just talking about superficial beauty here, though I know how much your looks concern you. You wonder if all that makeup will change the way the world sees you, the way you see yourself. Will it make you look normal, sexy, professional? You wonder if you will ever be a healthy weight. A pretty weight? An attractive weight? A weight that will finally, after all that work, all that exercise, and all those diets, make you feel confident in yourself... Finally feel comfortable in your own skin.

But you are more than your looks,
Though some of your identities seem tied and bound by them,
At least in your own thoughts and those dark times at night,
And those dark times in the day, when you questions yourself once again.

But what you don’t know, what you cannot see is what others see. The beauty of who you are on the inside. The way you care for others. How you express concern for the poor, the oppressed, the taken advantaged and disadvantaged; you simply cannot know how lovely it is to see how much you care. The ways you care for your family or desire a family, for being the great wife and/or mother you are or the great wife and/or mother you will become when the time comes. You are beautiful for the way you do your job, the way you face you fears. You are beautiful, not because that is what psychologist say women desire most, but because it is who God made you, who God made you as a unique person. There is only one you. You are beautiful in your identity, whoever and however you are.

Own your likes and dislikes, and do not sacrifice pieces of you for someone, for anyone else. Cherish and protect those pieces of yourself, keep them always and forever. Mold your own identity based on who you are and who you will become. You will find you are most beautiful and most strong and free when you are simply yourself; body, mind, and spirit.

These are the things I have been wanting to say, to you; my sisters, my friends, the females circling my life. You are more than you know, many times more than you give yourself credit for, but so important to my life, and the life of everyone around you. So I end this letter, just saying to be you. You give another great life to the world in your comings and goings.

~ Daniel

http://www.writerwill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Pen-and-Letter.jpg

Single Me

Sometimes I don't know what to do with these feelings I have inside, for companionship, for that connection with another human being. I think a lot of times I am pretty good at welling it up inside, at hiding it, at disguising it. At ignoring it I suppose. But I cannot help the inescapable fact that in due time I see another, hear another, another one who is a potential, another one I might like in that way.

I hate that the first thing I do is ask myself: Do I want to go thorough this again? Do I want to pursue this again? I wish my memories of the past were good and encouraging but they are the opposite. All of my maybes have always turned sour, gone bad, turned out to be duds. Still I want to believe. Still I choose to move forward. But all of those feelings of wants and dreams are met by all those feelings of fear and of doubt.

Which one should I believe? Who should I trust? Where does my hope lie? I know who I am inside and I believe myself to be a very good person, who would make a good boyfriend, fiancee, husband, and dad someday. But all of these thoughts and all of these desires... I have to push, have to shove down deep, way down. I feel if I didn't it could be hard sometimes to move on being single, being alone. I enjoy my friends but always desire something more, someone more.

My instinct now is to run, to hide, but life doesn't let us go backwards and sometime for our growth it is better we move forward, through the muck and through the awkwardness. By doing such things we learn, we are stretched, we are more wise in the risks we do take in the future. Still, my heart is hurting, from the reverberations of my past, affecting my present, and sometimes possibly making my future in this realm very foggy and confusing.

I dont know what to do with these feelings. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell. I want to keep silent. I want to be angry. I want to be crass. But more than anything I want to love, to be able to express myself in that way.

All it takes is the possibility, the thought, and it all floods back into my system, those feelings boil to the brim and gush over my soul. All it takes is the possibility to bring all those old memories, good and bad, all back to the front of my mind, all those things I hid down deep. All those things I have to deal with once again. I don't know whether to question my feeling or my thoughts anymore, they are all so mixed and muddled together.

I pray God's grace on me. I pray I am not left here, left here forever in this tossing sea of confusion. I pray someday, something will be different. I pray. I pray. And I hope. I hope for a good future, a better future. One were a possibility becomes reality. Where dream becomes life. When I finally find the risk was so worth taking.

~ Daniel

Living Life

Most of the time I feel alone.

I know have friends, who I appreciate...

and I know I have family, who I could call.

But day after day, night after night I do everything by myself,

I do everything alone - and sometimes the silence and emptiness gets to be a lot.

ALONE

Most of the time I try my best to distract myself from this emptiness, I watch movies or get online; however, at the end of every activity I stop, I pause, and I hear it - utter silence. Now, being more introverted I appreciate silence but ongoing absence of sound begins to eat at you after some time.

I don't think other people understand, who date person after person, are in relationships, or who are married. Maybe they do understand and are eternally thankful to God they do not have to live in that silence anymore, in that time between your family of origin and the family you make with a special someone else. I find myself between my home of birth and my home with a family, and oftentimes I pray to God out of this time and wonder:  When? How? Who?

The questions echo back and forth in my mind and can become quite a burden and added worry if I am not careful. Living in that time between being told God will provide and God actually providing is always hard; however, it is tough to face these questions by ones self.

I think one of the things I miss the most, is one of the purist forms of affections and love I know - a hug. I know it sounds funny, how hard can it be to get a hug? Well, one of the things I loved about this Christmas was greeting my family and giving/getting hugs, an expression of care and love you do not always receive easily away from family.

Being single is hard, whether you are a single parent, divorced, separated, or just perpetually single like myself. Times and rules change, there is such a variety of people with different personalities, and the dating game is so complex it is enough to drive one completely mad. I suppose I feel inadequate to pursue dating because I lack the 'experience' so many others have, yet I find myself having an inner romantic I would so much enjoy the chance to express to someone worthy of my affections. I also feel like my situation in life financially is unstable, but it happened to me by following God's call and things not panning out the way I thought it was going to work out. Does this mean I am less worthy of affection, of a relationship? Is it supposed to be about money or partnership? I don't know, it is just hard sometimes... and expressing all these worries, doubts, and feelings makes me feel needy and annoying and depressed and alone.

I am sure God has a plan

and I know I am supposed to write something inspirational here...

I have nothing.

~ Daniel

Pic:

http://proofgodlovesus.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/800px-single_yellow_tulip_in_a_field_of_red_tulips.jpg