Sometimes I don't know what to do with these feelings I have inside, for companionship, for that connection with another human being. I think a lot of times I am pretty good at welling it up inside, at hiding it, at disguising it. At ignoring it I suppose. But I cannot help the inescapable fact that in due time I see another, hear another, another one who is a potential, another one I might like in that way.
I hate that the first thing I do is ask myself: Do I want to go thorough this again? Do I want to pursue this again? I wish my memories of the past were good and encouraging but they are the opposite. All of my maybes have always turned sour, gone bad, turned out to be duds. Still I want to believe. Still I choose to move forward. But all of those feelings of wants and dreams are met by all those feelings of fear and of doubt.
Which one should I believe? Who should I trust? Where does my hope lie? I know who I am inside and I believe myself to be a very good person, who would make a good boyfriend, fiancee, husband, and dad someday. But all of these thoughts and all of these desires... I have to push, have to shove down deep, way down. I feel if I didn't it could be hard sometimes to move on being single, being alone. I enjoy my friends but always desire something more, someone more.
My instinct now is to run, to hide, but life doesn't let us go backwards and sometime for our growth it is better we move forward, through the muck and through the awkwardness. By doing such things we learn, we are stretched, we are more wise in the risks we do take in the future. Still, my heart is hurting, from the reverberations of my past, affecting my present, and sometimes possibly making my future in this realm very foggy and confusing.
I dont know what to do with these feelings. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to tell. I want to keep silent. I want to be angry. I want to be crass. But more than anything I want to love, to be able to express myself in that way.
All it takes is the possibility, the thought, and it all floods back into my system, those feelings boil to the brim and gush over my soul. All it takes is the possibility to bring all those old memories, good and bad, all back to the front of my mind, all those things I hid down deep. All those things I have to deal with once again. I don't know whether to question my feeling or my thoughts anymore, they are all so mixed and muddled together.
I pray God's grace on me. I pray I am not left here, left here forever in this tossing sea of confusion. I pray someday, something will be different. I pray. I pray. And I hope. I hope for a good future, a better future. One were a possibility becomes reality. Where dream becomes life. When I finally find the risk was so worth taking.
~ Daniel
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, January 7, 2011
Living Life
Most of the time I feel alone.
I know have friends, who I appreciate...
and I know I have family, who I could call.
But day after day, night after night I do everything by myself,
I do everything alone - and sometimes the silence and emptiness gets to be a lot.
ALONE
Most of the time I try my best to distract myself from this emptiness, I watch movies or get online; however, at the end of every activity I stop, I pause, and I hear it - utter silence. Now, being more introverted I appreciate silence but ongoing absence of sound begins to eat at you after some time.
I don't think other people understand, who date person after person, are in relationships, or who are married. Maybe they do understand and are eternally thankful to God they do not have to live in that silence anymore, in that time between your family of origin and the family you make with a special someone else. I find myself between my home of birth and my home with a family, and oftentimes I pray to God out of this time and wonder: When? How? Who?
The questions echo back and forth in my mind and can become quite a burden and added worry if I am not careful. Living in that time between being told God will provide and God actually providing is always hard; however, it is tough to face these questions by ones self.
I think one of the things I miss the most, is one of the purist forms of affections and love I know - a hug. I know it sounds funny, how hard can it be to get a hug? Well, one of the things I loved about this Christmas was greeting my family and giving/getting hugs, an expression of care and love you do not always receive easily away from family.
Being single is hard, whether you are a single parent, divorced, separated, or just perpetually single like myself. Times and rules change, there is such a variety of people with different personalities, and the dating game is so complex it is enough to drive one completely mad. I suppose I feel inadequate to pursue dating because I lack the 'experience' so many others have, yet I find myself having an inner romantic I would so much enjoy the chance to express to someone worthy of my affections. I also feel like my situation in life financially is unstable, but it happened to me by following God's call and things not panning out the way I thought it was going to work out. Does this mean I am less worthy of affection, of a relationship? Is it supposed to be about money or partnership? I don't know, it is just hard sometimes... and expressing all these worries, doubts, and feelings makes me feel needy and annoying and depressed and alone.
I am sure God has a plan
and I know I am supposed to write something inspirational here...
I have nothing.
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://proofgodlovesus.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/800px-single_yellow_tulip_in_a_field_of_red_tulips.jpg
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Dating: The Weight of Expectations
For those who have noticed, yes I stopped writing my series regarding my thoughts on dating. Why? I suppose I got caught up in my life, being a youth interim for the summer and then back to working my retail job and my library job this fall. In addition, part of me feels like writing about dating always comes across as whiny or defensive, either crying woe is me or woe is them (referring to the opposite sex). I try to stay away from stereotypes, especially gender stereotypes; however, sometimes it is hard but necessary to cross the gulf.
I think there are a lot of expectations, some spoken and some unspoken when it comes to dating. What I would love more than anything is for people in the church to (1) Admit singleness is a valid life stage, one which does not cast spiritual demerits on our faith and character and (2) What we say is the biblical form of dating (known as courting) has more to do with the culture of the scriptures and the pre-industrial age just as dating is defined during and after the Industrial Revolution[1]. As far as I know, while there are godly characteristics of men and women, there are no scriptures that directly qualify courting or dating as right, wrong, holy, or unholy[2]. The problem is and never was courtship or dating, the problem is us.
Expectations:
(1) Financial - First off, I think any guy single past college is in quite the predicament, especially in such a bad economy. We are told by the church that, not only will God bless those who follow him financially, but also that those men seeking to marry need to be financially secure. What does this mean for today? It means we are going to see an abnormal rate of singles, both men and women in the church. A lot of the guys feel insecure not having the job they want or the money to date, much less to propose, buy a ring, and marry. On the flip-side, many females do not want to settle for a guy who cannot get a good job, and besides, they can make it on their own. They want the dream; however, the males cannot provide this dream. So, both seem perpetually stuck, unless one or both are willing to compromise some way, perhaps willing to admit richness does not need to be based on material possessions or jobs but on the life they can make for and with one another despite their circumstances, as they both seek to follow God and see him as Provider.
(2) Emotional - I think both sides tend to try to ignore this, say we are not affected by it. The truth is both males and females have emotions and when we like someone we instantly start to feel this or that, usually this includes some confusion. Maybe our emotions are conflicting with our logic. I think during these times it is best to seek out wise counsel from friends and from God, remember we should not fear our emotions but we should also not be enslaved by them. In addition, if you are using all your emotional energy on a person, it is probably best to become a little detached. Remember you are an individual and maintain your own identity. Christ made you unique and something to be cherished as an individual. Never sacrifice identity for any other, except Christ.
(3) Spiritual - Does this person love Christ? I do not mean; does he or she wear a cross necklace, sport a scriptural tattoo, or wear the Jesus tee. Forget outside appearances: Does he or she genuinely try to live and pursue Christ? Are they a new Christian? Where are they at spiritually? These are tough questions but usually the evidence will show itself, whether through friendship or within the first few dates. As a serious Christian, forgo the rules that say serious conversations should be kept on hold, and bring up some key questions to this person. However, this does not mean they have to have it all together, none of us are perfect, but there should be some depth, especially if you want your relationship to be focused and built on the foundation of Christ. That IS what you want isn't it? If not, as a Christian it is definitely something you NEED (and may need to rethink your priorities if otherwise).
(4) Physical - Let's all admit everyone has insecurities in this area, whether it is weight, eyes, hair color, or the space between your neck and nose - we all have some kind of insecurities when it comes to our physical appearance and on some level while we do not like being/feeling judged by others, we do this all the time, every day, sometimes without even knowing it. In some ways we are shallow and in some ways we just must admit attraction is a unique thing, not based merely on physical appearance but it does play a part. The question we must ask our-self is: How much should physical attraction play a role in dating? I think the answer is it must be balanced with other forms of attraction (EX: emotional, spiritual, humor, intellect, etc.)
(5) Availability - It isn't just the possible absence of a relationship status or the fact that there may be no name attached, or random pictures with you and another male/female, it goes to the cliques we have and the people we hang around. Basically, to show you are available or interested in anyone you have to move out of your comfort zone and just be real and admit that in life you are looking for more than "friendship" like your FB might claim. This means taking an interest in this person; however, walking the line between friendship and relationship can be difficult these days with the gender roles becoming blurred. Some still believe in the classic/traditional dating, some courtship, some more modern and equal, and others are kind of all over the place.
(6) Risk/Rejection - I think guys feel weighed down by this, I know I do... but I didn't start out that way. In the beginning I didn't date because I wanted to find someone with at least a little substance and quality. Then in college and through grad school I thought I did and pursued only to be rejected. The odd thing is as men we almost don't have an option to be truthful in this area. Our two choices seem to be a) To hide the hurt and cover it up with some kind of persona/barrier or b.) Admit our fear and hurt and risk being seen as unmanly for expressing our emotions/wounds. Trust me, until the female reciprocates a man’s affection and the longer she plays with his heart before rejecting him, the worse it is for the guy. Until that line crosses from friendship to either relationship or rejection, the guy is at the complete mercy of the female he is pursuing. I think honesty and open communication is very important here, well in all relationships, but especially in the beginning when so many confusing or conflicting or awkward feelings may be at play.
(7) Gender Stereotypes - I already discussed briefly how this has affected the relationships between male and females in regards to finances; however, since the wave of the women's rights movement, many new (sometimes confusing) ideas must be faced. Are men and women equal? What is the place of a woman and man? What is their place in a godly relationship? I think a lot of our ideas, again, come from culture and only slightly what we see represented in scripture. Who was made in the image of God? Male AND Female (Gen. 1:27). When does the difference come? After the fall, actually it is a result of the curse (Gen. 3). If Christ has come to wipe away sin and restore us into that image, to herald in the coming Kingdom, then should we not pursue that image he created us to be? Both men and women should be equal but not deny our distinctions in gender, for we are each unique individuals and are all blessed with gifts but also have weaknesses. Both men and women need to learn from one another and remember the only one who we are truly ever under, the one who we owe our allegiance is always Christ. In our culture we focus so much on who is in charge and would do well to look at the Trinity of an example of a divine relationship of communication, work, and mutual respect and leadership.
(8) Character - It is last because I think many of us neglect this the most when becoming interesting or pursuing someone. We should be seeking out someone who is godly, seeks Christ, someone imperfect, someone who is somewhat wise, has integrity and their own identity and thoughts, and someone whom we can build and life with and would be a good husband/wife and father/mother. This is not to neglect or diminish emotional, intellectual, physical, or comedic attraction; but to say all these must be tampered with a little bit of insight. Who is this person? Now, the road to finding these things out can be taken through courting or dating or friendship; yet I do not think we should quibble and worry over the way it happens as long as we are seeking Christ. Honestly, God usually has a way of turning our assumptions upside-down and inside-out very often.
~ Daniel
[1] www.ezwebsite.org/Photos/files701/Sociology%20Ch%206-1-2.ppt
http://portal.bbchs.org/dept/Social_Science/Holt-ch.6.The%20Adolescent%20in%20Society.pdf
http://www.faqs.org/childhood/Co-Fa/Dating.html
[2] http://www.lifeandlibertyministries.com/archives/000150.php
http://ecclesia.org/truth/betrothal.html
http://boldchristianliving.com/articles/youthful-romance/comparison-chart-of-dating-courtship--scriptural-betrothal.html
Pic:
http://www.dailythunder.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/expectations.jpg
Inspired by Boundless Podcast on Dating:
The Gents: http://www.boundlessline.org/2010/09/ill-ask-you-out-ifepisode-138.html
The Ladies: http://www.boundlessline.org/2010/09/ill-go-out-with-you-if-episode-139.html
I think there are a lot of expectations, some spoken and some unspoken when it comes to dating. What I would love more than anything is for people in the church to (1) Admit singleness is a valid life stage, one which does not cast spiritual demerits on our faith and character and (2) What we say is the biblical form of dating (known as courting) has more to do with the culture of the scriptures and the pre-industrial age just as dating is defined during and after the Industrial Revolution[1]. As far as I know, while there are godly characteristics of men and women, there are no scriptures that directly qualify courting or dating as right, wrong, holy, or unholy[2]. The problem is and never was courtship or dating, the problem is us.
Expectations:
(1) Financial - First off, I think any guy single past college is in quite the predicament, especially in such a bad economy. We are told by the church that, not only will God bless those who follow him financially, but also that those men seeking to marry need to be financially secure. What does this mean for today? It means we are going to see an abnormal rate of singles, both men and women in the church. A lot of the guys feel insecure not having the job they want or the money to date, much less to propose, buy a ring, and marry. On the flip-side, many females do not want to settle for a guy who cannot get a good job, and besides, they can make it on their own. They want the dream; however, the males cannot provide this dream. So, both seem perpetually stuck, unless one or both are willing to compromise some way, perhaps willing to admit richness does not need to be based on material possessions or jobs but on the life they can make for and with one another despite their circumstances, as they both seek to follow God and see him as Provider.
(2) Emotional - I think both sides tend to try to ignore this, say we are not affected by it. The truth is both males and females have emotions and when we like someone we instantly start to feel this or that, usually this includes some confusion. Maybe our emotions are conflicting with our logic. I think during these times it is best to seek out wise counsel from friends and from God, remember we should not fear our emotions but we should also not be enslaved by them. In addition, if you are using all your emotional energy on a person, it is probably best to become a little detached. Remember you are an individual and maintain your own identity. Christ made you unique and something to be cherished as an individual. Never sacrifice identity for any other, except Christ.
(3) Spiritual - Does this person love Christ? I do not mean; does he or she wear a cross necklace, sport a scriptural tattoo, or wear the Jesus tee. Forget outside appearances: Does he or she genuinely try to live and pursue Christ? Are they a new Christian? Where are they at spiritually? These are tough questions but usually the evidence will show itself, whether through friendship or within the first few dates. As a serious Christian, forgo the rules that say serious conversations should be kept on hold, and bring up some key questions to this person. However, this does not mean they have to have it all together, none of us are perfect, but there should be some depth, especially if you want your relationship to be focused and built on the foundation of Christ. That IS what you want isn't it? If not, as a Christian it is definitely something you NEED (and may need to rethink your priorities if otherwise).
(4) Physical - Let's all admit everyone has insecurities in this area, whether it is weight, eyes, hair color, or the space between your neck and nose - we all have some kind of insecurities when it comes to our physical appearance and on some level while we do not like being/feeling judged by others, we do this all the time, every day, sometimes without even knowing it. In some ways we are shallow and in some ways we just must admit attraction is a unique thing, not based merely on physical appearance but it does play a part. The question we must ask our-self is: How much should physical attraction play a role in dating? I think the answer is it must be balanced with other forms of attraction (EX: emotional, spiritual, humor, intellect, etc.)
(5) Availability - It isn't just the possible absence of a relationship status or the fact that there may be no name attached, or random pictures with you and another male/female, it goes to the cliques we have and the people we hang around. Basically, to show you are available or interested in anyone you have to move out of your comfort zone and just be real and admit that in life you are looking for more than "friendship" like your FB might claim. This means taking an interest in this person; however, walking the line between friendship and relationship can be difficult these days with the gender roles becoming blurred. Some still believe in the classic/traditional dating, some courtship, some more modern and equal, and others are kind of all over the place.
(6) Risk/Rejection - I think guys feel weighed down by this, I know I do... but I didn't start out that way. In the beginning I didn't date because I wanted to find someone with at least a little substance and quality. Then in college and through grad school I thought I did and pursued only to be rejected. The odd thing is as men we almost don't have an option to be truthful in this area. Our two choices seem to be a) To hide the hurt and cover it up with some kind of persona/barrier or b.) Admit our fear and hurt and risk being seen as unmanly for expressing our emotions/wounds. Trust me, until the female reciprocates a man’s affection and the longer she plays with his heart before rejecting him, the worse it is for the guy. Until that line crosses from friendship to either relationship or rejection, the guy is at the complete mercy of the female he is pursuing. I think honesty and open communication is very important here, well in all relationships, but especially in the beginning when so many confusing or conflicting or awkward feelings may be at play.
(7) Gender Stereotypes - I already discussed briefly how this has affected the relationships between male and females in regards to finances; however, since the wave of the women's rights movement, many new (sometimes confusing) ideas must be faced. Are men and women equal? What is the place of a woman and man? What is their place in a godly relationship? I think a lot of our ideas, again, come from culture and only slightly what we see represented in scripture. Who was made in the image of God? Male AND Female (Gen. 1:27). When does the difference come? After the fall, actually it is a result of the curse (Gen. 3). If Christ has come to wipe away sin and restore us into that image, to herald in the coming Kingdom, then should we not pursue that image he created us to be? Both men and women should be equal but not deny our distinctions in gender, for we are each unique individuals and are all blessed with gifts but also have weaknesses. Both men and women need to learn from one another and remember the only one who we are truly ever under, the one who we owe our allegiance is always Christ. In our culture we focus so much on who is in charge and would do well to look at the Trinity of an example of a divine relationship of communication, work, and mutual respect and leadership.
(8) Character - It is last because I think many of us neglect this the most when becoming interesting or pursuing someone. We should be seeking out someone who is godly, seeks Christ, someone imperfect, someone who is somewhat wise, has integrity and their own identity and thoughts, and someone whom we can build and life with and would be a good husband/wife and father/mother. This is not to neglect or diminish emotional, intellectual, physical, or comedic attraction; but to say all these must be tampered with a little bit of insight. Who is this person? Now, the road to finding these things out can be taken through courting or dating or friendship; yet I do not think we should quibble and worry over the way it happens as long as we are seeking Christ. Honestly, God usually has a way of turning our assumptions upside-down and inside-out very often.
~ Daniel
[1] www.ezwebsite.org/Photos/files701/Sociology%20Ch%206-1-2.ppt
http://portal.bbchs.org/dept/Social_Science/Holt-ch.6.The%20Adolescent%20in%20Society.pdf
http://www.faqs.org/childhood/Co-Fa/Dating.html
[2] http://www.lifeandlibertyministries.com/archives/000150.php
http://ecclesia.org/truth/betrothal.html
http://boldchristianliving.com/articles/youthful-romance/comparison-chart-of-dating-courtship--scriptural-betrothal.html
Pic:
http://www.dailythunder.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/expectations.jpg
Inspired by Boundless Podcast on Dating:
The Gents: http://www.boundlessline.org/2010/09/ill-ask-you-out-ifepisode-138.html
The Ladies: http://www.boundlessline.org/2010/09/ill-go-out-with-you-if-episode-139.html
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Thoughts on the Single-Dating Christian
Introduction (Series Unfinished)
Now a person came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good must I do to find someone to love and marry for the rest of my life?" "Why do you ask me what is good?" Jesus replied, "There is only one who is good. If you want to enter marriage, obey these things." "What things?" the person inquired. Jesus replied, 'Do not lie, do not commit adultery, do not envy, do not put up false facades, honor your father and mother,’ and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" "All these I have kept," the person said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want a perfect marriage, go, sell your preconceived notions, desires, expectations, and lay them at the foot of my cross, and then... Then come, follow me."
What is your reaction? What feelings are coming into view? Are you feeling some kind of release? Are you feeling freedom, maybe anger? Are you feeling hope, maybe bitterness? Stick with that feeling, breathe it in, and accept your feelings; maybe of acceptance or awkwardness? Our first priority as Christians is that of Christ. The first lesson to be learned is this: Simply put, if we desire to date, if we desire a spouse more than we desire Christ, we are not ready to move forward.
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://www.christian-singles-dating-4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/the-sexual.bmp
There are some things every person struggles with, something they would rather not face, rather turn from or ignore... I have always wanted to write down my thoughts on dating, but until now never seriously tried to make an attempt, whether it was because the words never seemed to come or because I was afraid of the potential awkward reaction from any single female friends.
But alas, I decided to move forward. Why? What could I have to say about something I have never really done with any amount of time? I think going through the process of pondering through things, lifting them up to God in prayer, and then going through the trouble (even agony, ha) of writing them down makes us face something in ourselves, maybe our fears, perhaps even our joys. For singles, we have all these desires, some good and some not-so-good, in relation to dating, in that wonderful land of singleness…
What this writing is not going to be: Well, it is not going to answer any of your specific questions, sorry to my detailed-oriented friends. This is also not going to give you any detailed insights into my own obstacles in dating, but it is hopefully going to give you a reference point to think and consider a different way of thinking about dating, and in reality, all your relationships.
It is going to be a way to look at some aspects, though simplified, that we will confront in dating: such as what is courtship? What is dating? What is the difference? Should I choose one over another? Then I will take a look at friendship as a possible foundation for any and all relationships. Why might this be a better way? What might the struggles be? What is the world’s reaction to just being friends? Should this be our reactions as well? Then, I will look at purity and it evil companion lust, along with the difference between good and sinful sexual desire. Next, I will take a look at gender roles briefly within a relationship. What struggles might we face? Is there a difference in our roles if we choose to court vs. date? Finally, I will conclude this whole thing at some point with a few final thoughts on the matter and what our reaction to dating says about our reaction to God in the midst of life, as we go through joyful periods and periods of strife.
But first, let us begin with looking at one story in a different manner:
But alas, I decided to move forward. Why? What could I have to say about something I have never really done with any amount of time? I think going through the process of pondering through things, lifting them up to God in prayer, and then going through the trouble (even agony, ha) of writing them down makes us face something in ourselves, maybe our fears, perhaps even our joys. For singles, we have all these desires, some good and some not-so-good, in relation to dating, in that wonderful land of singleness…
What this writing is not going to be: Well, it is not going to answer any of your specific questions, sorry to my detailed-oriented friends. This is also not going to give you any detailed insights into my own obstacles in dating, but it is hopefully going to give you a reference point to think and consider a different way of thinking about dating, and in reality, all your relationships.
It is going to be a way to look at some aspects, though simplified, that we will confront in dating: such as what is courtship? What is dating? What is the difference? Should I choose one over another? Then I will take a look at friendship as a possible foundation for any and all relationships. Why might this be a better way? What might the struggles be? What is the world’s reaction to just being friends? Should this be our reactions as well? Then, I will look at purity and it evil companion lust, along with the difference between good and sinful sexual desire. Next, I will take a look at gender roles briefly within a relationship. What struggles might we face? Is there a difference in our roles if we choose to court vs. date? Finally, I will conclude this whole thing at some point with a few final thoughts on the matter and what our reaction to dating says about our reaction to God in the midst of life, as we go through joyful periods and periods of strife.
But first, let us begin with looking at one story in a different manner:
Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?" "Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments." "Which ones?" the man inquired. Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" "All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." - Matthew 19:16-21Many of us, if not most of us, will read this story and think: How could he be so blind? Yet, in our judgment of the rich man we often fail to see our own shortcomings in such a similar manner. Let me ask you some questions: When you approach dating do you feel as if God owes you something because you have followed him for so many years? Do you think you deserve a spouse because of the good person you are or have become? Do you want God to reward your faith with tangible objects, including someone to love? I think this story teaches us that we can not use our goodness or works as a way to bribe God into throwing a potential husband or wife into our laps. I think our conversation with Jesus would go something like this:
Now a person came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good must I do to find someone to love and marry for the rest of my life?" "Why do you ask me what is good?" Jesus replied, "There is only one who is good. If you want to enter marriage, obey these things." "What things?" the person inquired. Jesus replied, 'Do not lie, do not commit adultery, do not envy, do not put up false facades, honor your father and mother,’ and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'" "All these I have kept," the person said. "What do I still lack?" Jesus answered, "If you want a perfect marriage, go, sell your preconceived notions, desires, expectations, and lay them at the foot of my cross, and then... Then come, follow me."
What is your reaction? What feelings are coming into view? Are you feeling some kind of release? Are you feeling freedom, maybe anger? Are you feeling hope, maybe bitterness? Stick with that feeling, breathe it in, and accept your feelings; maybe of acceptance or awkwardness? Our first priority as Christians is that of Christ. The first lesson to be learned is this: Simply put, if we desire to date, if we desire a spouse more than we desire Christ, we are not ready to move forward.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. - Galatians 2:20
“Our responsibility is to love [God], study his word, deepen our relationship with Him, and learn to evaluate our choices in light of biblical wisdom.” – Joshua HarrisAnd now we can begin.
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://www.christian-singles-dating-4u.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/the-sexual.bmp
Monday, October 5, 2009
Stuff on My Mind
So, in a few months it will be a year since I graduated and have been living on my own. Some of it has been horrible, many times it has been quite depressing, especially trying to look for a job and trust God. Still... I do not think I would trade it for anything, for it has taught me things about myself, it has strengthened me and made me depend more on God and less on myself. I have been through so many things with jobs, not just finding a normal job but also in my ministry interviews. Right now I am kinda just going with the flow and if a church isn't interested in me... I don’t really care, sure there are some things I can do to maybe make myself presentable, make my answers more concise and meaningful but I will not compromise myself or how I view ministry. I think many churches want the guy in a suit with a family and kids - this is simply not me (maybe a suit if I get paid enough to buy one that is, lol). Many churches want to hear about your great plans to grow their youth and get non-churched youth and parents and families involved - what they do not want to hear is that it may not work (which I have seen a lot from in my limited experience and talks with other ministers). The church needs to focus more on disciple-making and less on numbers & evangelism - Trust me, if you make disciples, true disciples -they will share Christ naturally and it won’t be in bulleted outlines but with their life-stories and their hearts, they will shine before men because Christ has changed them, not because they read a prayer off of a card and got dipped in water some time in their past.
I have also been thinking a lot about relationships lately, sure I am single and like any single person that kinda makes me feel down sometimes but hey, I am a good guy and have a lot to offer - there just hasn’t been anyone who has given me enough time to see the real me. I regret only that I haven’t found someone so far to let that romantic side of me out yet, the side that I know is there. Sure I don’t have the dating experience that most have but I always thought it wiser to only date or consider dating girls I knew, ones who I was friends with, and could possibly see myself being with one day. Lame? Maybe, but it just feels wrong to do it any other way - I think a balance of emotional and intellectual, along with the physical attraction, and built on spirituality are fundamental.
I suppose one thing that has been bothering me, one thing that is seen throughout my notes this year, something I never came right out and said was that last summer I went on a date... I never wrote about it except maybe in generalizations, but we hung out for a while, went out on one date, hung out again, then later she told me though a message on facebook she didnt feel the same (FYI: Kinda ticked me off since I had the guts to ask her out in person). She said she wanted to be friends and what has happened is what normally happens, we may be friends on some kind of basis but it isn’t individual basis for whatever reason. I tried for a while and now have just given up... why do girls not know how to reciprocate in relationships, must the guys always pursue, always call, always go after - it gets annoying and frustrating. lol, and honestly I don’t know how females ever remain friends - how do they ever choose who calls who or what to do, because it seems like they are so indecisive and insecure. Sure I am speaking in generalizations, and this is not something they will talk about but it is there... at least from my limited observations…
Which gets me to my final topic - guys and girls being friends (who are single). Sure in grade-school and even in college this is acceptable in groups but individually it seems like guys and girls who hang out always date, they are taught that guys and girls just cannot be friends, one is always attracted and the other isn’t, or at least not at the same time and it messes everything up. However, once you start to leave college and enter a career or graduate school, if you are still single, this cuts your friendships down drastically. If you follow this logic you can only be friends with females in groups and so your only individual friends are male, which doesn’t leave a lot of socializing because (1) It is hard to get groups together and (2) everyone in their twenties seems to have insane schedules - this kinda goes with number 1 - so it is hard to get anyone together really.
So, this is stuff on my mind, kinda just all coming out in ramblings i suppose...
enjoy or do not enjoy - there is not try! lol
~ Daniel
I have also been thinking a lot about relationships lately, sure I am single and like any single person that kinda makes me feel down sometimes but hey, I am a good guy and have a lot to offer - there just hasn’t been anyone who has given me enough time to see the real me. I regret only that I haven’t found someone so far to let that romantic side of me out yet, the side that I know is there. Sure I don’t have the dating experience that most have but I always thought it wiser to only date or consider dating girls I knew, ones who I was friends with, and could possibly see myself being with one day. Lame? Maybe, but it just feels wrong to do it any other way - I think a balance of emotional and intellectual, along with the physical attraction, and built on spirituality are fundamental.
I suppose one thing that has been bothering me, one thing that is seen throughout my notes this year, something I never came right out and said was that last summer I went on a date... I never wrote about it except maybe in generalizations, but we hung out for a while, went out on one date, hung out again, then later she told me though a message on facebook she didnt feel the same (FYI: Kinda ticked me off since I had the guts to ask her out in person). She said she wanted to be friends and what has happened is what normally happens, we may be friends on some kind of basis but it isn’t individual basis for whatever reason. I tried for a while and now have just given up... why do girls not know how to reciprocate in relationships, must the guys always pursue, always call, always go after - it gets annoying and frustrating. lol, and honestly I don’t know how females ever remain friends - how do they ever choose who calls who or what to do, because it seems like they are so indecisive and insecure. Sure I am speaking in generalizations, and this is not something they will talk about but it is there... at least from my limited observations…
Which gets me to my final topic - guys and girls being friends (who are single). Sure in grade-school and even in college this is acceptable in groups but individually it seems like guys and girls who hang out always date, they are taught that guys and girls just cannot be friends, one is always attracted and the other isn’t, or at least not at the same time and it messes everything up. However, once you start to leave college and enter a career or graduate school, if you are still single, this cuts your friendships down drastically. If you follow this logic you can only be friends with females in groups and so your only individual friends are male, which doesn’t leave a lot of socializing because (1) It is hard to get groups together and (2) everyone in their twenties seems to have insane schedules - this kinda goes with number 1 - so it is hard to get anyone together really.
So, this is stuff on my mind, kinda just all coming out in ramblings i suppose...
enjoy or do not enjoy - there is not try! lol
~ Daniel
Thursday, June 25, 2009
On Being Ignored and Situational Friendships
I feel like getting on my soap box. I thought as I got older my friendships would expand but it seems like friendships drop in and out of radar for no reason at all, among these the most are friendships with females, including the double-standard that comes in friendships with them specifically (do not worry, this is only part of this writing).
I don’t know what it is about friendships with the other gender but doesn’t it always seem more complicated, sometimes for no reason at all. Case 1: I got a message once from someone I barely knew though a friend who wanted to know if I was interested in being her date to a sorority thing. In all honesty, I was not attracted to her that much, call me shallow but hey, I have been turned down as well, so whatever... anyways, it wasn’t just that I was not attracted but I don’t really want to go on a date, especially a socially awkward one, and one where I feel inclined to dance and talk to a lot of people I don’t know (did I mention I cannot dance). I don’t know, going on a date because they can’t find someone and going on a date like that with someone I am not actually dating did not seem preferable. Anyways, so I thought I would wait a day or so and respond somehow. As a guy I want to be direct but not hurtful. Then I get a message from her friend whom I know asking why I haven’t messaged her back. WOH, HEY! How come when a female doesn’t get a response their friends are allowed to message me in complaint but when I do not receive a reply to a message or comment there is no one getting onto females for me. Not that I would want that, but it just seems unfair...
I don’t know what it is about friendships with the other gender but doesn’t it always seem more complicated, sometimes for no reason at all. Case 1: I got a message once from someone I barely knew though a friend who wanted to know if I was interested in being her date to a sorority thing. In all honesty, I was not attracted to her that much, call me shallow but hey, I have been turned down as well, so whatever... anyways, it wasn’t just that I was not attracted but I don’t really want to go on a date, especially a socially awkward one, and one where I feel inclined to dance and talk to a lot of people I don’t know (did I mention I cannot dance). I don’t know, going on a date because they can’t find someone and going on a date like that with someone I am not actually dating did not seem preferable. Anyways, so I thought I would wait a day or so and respond somehow. As a guy I want to be direct but not hurtful. Then I get a message from her friend whom I know asking why I haven’t messaged her back. WOH, HEY! How come when a female doesn’t get a response their friends are allowed to message me in complaint but when I do not receive a reply to a message or comment there is no one getting onto females for me. Not that I would want that, but it just seems unfair...
More generally, it is just annoying to me now because I consider people on myspace and facebook my friends, so when I message or comment and receive no reply, it honestly confuses me. Why are they still even my friend if they do not care to respond to me? Why are they even listed as my friend if they do not respond to me? So yeah, a few days ago I deleted a bunch of people, ones who I just never talk to and many of them were females who I would comment or message and they would never respond to me. It is so annoying and I have no problem deleting "friends" who do not associate with me, mainly because if we are not friends I do not care to act like we are. I am not into games or friendship politics... sure I give people chances but after so long I just tire of trying to reach out, trying to friends, after so long I just decide to say screw-it, they are not my friends.
Also, I have noticed there are those friends who are always friends on their own terms. You can try to talk to them, chat with them, call them, or plan things - but unless it is there idea or on their schedule they will not associate with you. This is annoying to me as well but I usually just respond when they choose to show up, though I sometimes wonder if I should... Sometimes friends like that make me want to say I am busy or tired. I just hate to feel like I am giving so much into friendships while some people only seem to take, then when they are done with your friendship, done with letting you fill some emotional void, done with their between times of other friendships, they just drop you and act as if you never existed, as if you friendship didn’t even matter, so annoying...
I mean, where is the quality in friendships when they just all seem to come and go... it is like you put all this time and quality into getting to know someone and then, it is as if none of it really mattered at all, it totally makes you feel rejected as a person… and as a friend. I suppose one could go for more shallow friendships, surely you would have more to do, but I have never liked quantity over quality. I guess situational friends and friendships just annoy me sometimes and then having to act like those people are still your friends when you see them again is almost humorous.
Well, lets be honest, a lot of those I am speaking about were likely deleted and so they will not read this. And another hint that the 50 people I deleted of facebook last week were not really my friends is that it has been almost a week and not one has messaged me or friend requested me, they do not even notice they are not my friend anymore - is anymore evidence needed?
So, if you are a person who gives a lot in your friendships then my heart goes out to you and if you are a person who takes, who goes from friend to friend, I would ask where the quality is in your friendships? Do you leave because you are bored? Do you leave because once people begin to know you, you get afraid or scared? Think about those friends who pour themselves into your life only to be left behind, how would you like that feeling? Maybe it even happened to you once?
May we all try to have quality friendships, may we learn to be givers more and takers less, and if we feel out of balance between the two, may we feel free to leave those friends who are not really our friends anymore and find freedom from that, a release of pressure and worry trying to reach out to someone who is already gone…
*Off the Soap Box* :.)
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://uppitynegronetwork.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/soapbox.jpg
http://www.publishersweekly.com/articles/blog/880000288/20081028/rants.jpg
Also, I have noticed there are those friends who are always friends on their own terms. You can try to talk to them, chat with them, call them, or plan things - but unless it is there idea or on their schedule they will not associate with you. This is annoying to me as well but I usually just respond when they choose to show up, though I sometimes wonder if I should... Sometimes friends like that make me want to say I am busy or tired. I just hate to feel like I am giving so much into friendships while some people only seem to take, then when they are done with your friendship, done with letting you fill some emotional void, done with their between times of other friendships, they just drop you and act as if you never existed, as if you friendship didn’t even matter, so annoying...
I mean, where is the quality in friendships when they just all seem to come and go... it is like you put all this time and quality into getting to know someone and then, it is as if none of it really mattered at all, it totally makes you feel rejected as a person… and as a friend. I suppose one could go for more shallow friendships, surely you would have more to do, but I have never liked quantity over quality. I guess situational friends and friendships just annoy me sometimes and then having to act like those people are still your friends when you see them again is almost humorous.
Well, lets be honest, a lot of those I am speaking about were likely deleted and so they will not read this. And another hint that the 50 people I deleted of facebook last week were not really my friends is that it has been almost a week and not one has messaged me or friend requested me, they do not even notice they are not my friend anymore - is anymore evidence needed?
So, if you are a person who gives a lot in your friendships then my heart goes out to you and if you are a person who takes, who goes from friend to friend, I would ask where the quality is in your friendships? Do you leave because you are bored? Do you leave because once people begin to know you, you get afraid or scared? Think about those friends who pour themselves into your life only to be left behind, how would you like that feeling? Maybe it even happened to you once?
May we all try to have quality friendships, may we learn to be givers more and takers less, and if we feel out of balance between the two, may we feel free to leave those friends who are not really our friends anymore and find freedom from that, a release of pressure and worry trying to reach out to someone who is already gone…
*Off the Soap Box* :.)
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://uppitynegronetwork.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/soapbox.jpg
http://www.publishersweekly.com/articles/blog/880000288/20081028/rants.jpg
Friday, May 29, 2009
Changed
Memories seem so dim, to far from the present... and as the future proceeds, as is seems to overtake us, the past is ever mixed with the present, leaving behind who we were and being replaced by who we are now and who we will eventually become.
However, the past does not leave us completely, it never goes away but stays ever with us, it is ever-present in our decision and in our person, in our character and in our ethics and moralities, our choices and beliefs. Because of this the past is with us in our every present and our past is therefore linked with us into our future, once something happens, once we are changed, once we leave this second and go into the next we are forever changed and forever changing.
This past year has affected me, effected me greatly, not just because I moved out on my own completely but because I came the closest I have ever come to having a relationship, and that potential for whatever reason fueled something, it triggered something within me I have kept dormant. What is that? Well, the desire to find someone, someday and wife and then a family. Yes, yes, certainly us single people, especially guys are supposed to keep silent about such things. Why? Well, because if it is God's will for us to be married it will all happen in due time and if not, then we are supposed to be content in our singleness...
That kind of thinking is just a sham, would we tell a married couple to stop desiring to have a child. No, we would pray with them that God would fulfill and provide for such a desire, that they would be made ready for that time. In effect, we would be with them in their struggle. What no one really thinks about is that there are more singles out there than ever before... and what no one thinks or discusses is that many of them are left alone. Sure they have friends and family but our society teaches us that we are supposed to be independent, move out on our own. So we move from our families to college or away for a job but even that is temporary. Where do we go after that? If we are single do we go home? Do we stay with other friends or do we stay by ourselves because things seem to be always changing in our twenties?
To be smart most of us choose to live alone, maybe some with others, but it is only time before a job happens or a friend gets married. It seems inevitable that the single person’s best choice is to live alone if not married. It is not because we do not wish to be tied down but because if we go back to live with family, except under extreme circumstances, it means we failed somehow and if we live with friends, it may be only a short while before us or them move on for some reason, having to reorganize, re-shift and move again. Without family there is no home, no settling, no constant in our lives. This has annoyed me but has been something I have come to accept as the role I fit in, the role I play, the game of chess in which I find myself when I wasn’t initially aware I was playing.
I don’t know what I am trying to say... Sometimes it seems like we have control over our lives while other times it seems like we are products of our environment in many ways. Sometimes I try not to concern myself with the rules placed on me, try to play outside the game board only to be put in my place once again. I want to dream. I want to dream big. I was to trust God can do extreme and amazing things in this plain world, that there is supernatural in this natural world. I want to believe that these current burdens will one day be lifted, that confusion will give way to clarity, despair and uncertainly replaced by love and possibilities.
Most of all I want to be changed by Christ, to be transformed and hope I can help others to do the same. I want to believe in the impossible, that Christ can change me, change you, change us; that he can and does still heal, that he does inject pure joy into our lives if we let him, that he hears our prayers and miracles still are produced in our present and not just in our past through stories in scripture. I want to believe and others to believe with me, to pray and have others pray with me, to change and have others changed.
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://www.ebibleteacher.com/backgrnd/Potter.jpg
However, the past does not leave us completely, it never goes away but stays ever with us, it is ever-present in our decision and in our person, in our character and in our ethics and moralities, our choices and beliefs. Because of this the past is with us in our every present and our past is therefore linked with us into our future, once something happens, once we are changed, once we leave this second and go into the next we are forever changed and forever changing.
This past year has affected me, effected me greatly, not just because I moved out on my own completely but because I came the closest I have ever come to having a relationship, and that potential for whatever reason fueled something, it triggered something within me I have kept dormant. What is that? Well, the desire to find someone, someday and wife and then a family. Yes, yes, certainly us single people, especially guys are supposed to keep silent about such things. Why? Well, because if it is God's will for us to be married it will all happen in due time and if not, then we are supposed to be content in our singleness...
That kind of thinking is just a sham, would we tell a married couple to stop desiring to have a child. No, we would pray with them that God would fulfill and provide for such a desire, that they would be made ready for that time. In effect, we would be with them in their struggle. What no one really thinks about is that there are more singles out there than ever before... and what no one thinks or discusses is that many of them are left alone. Sure they have friends and family but our society teaches us that we are supposed to be independent, move out on our own. So we move from our families to college or away for a job but even that is temporary. Where do we go after that? If we are single do we go home? Do we stay with other friends or do we stay by ourselves because things seem to be always changing in our twenties?
To be smart most of us choose to live alone, maybe some with others, but it is only time before a job happens or a friend gets married. It seems inevitable that the single person’s best choice is to live alone if not married. It is not because we do not wish to be tied down but because if we go back to live with family, except under extreme circumstances, it means we failed somehow and if we live with friends, it may be only a short while before us or them move on for some reason, having to reorganize, re-shift and move again. Without family there is no home, no settling, no constant in our lives. This has annoyed me but has been something I have come to accept as the role I fit in, the role I play, the game of chess in which I find myself when I wasn’t initially aware I was playing.
I don’t know what I am trying to say... Sometimes it seems like we have control over our lives while other times it seems like we are products of our environment in many ways. Sometimes I try not to concern myself with the rules placed on me, try to play outside the game board only to be put in my place once again. I want to dream. I want to dream big. I was to trust God can do extreme and amazing things in this plain world, that there is supernatural in this natural world. I want to believe that these current burdens will one day be lifted, that confusion will give way to clarity, despair and uncertainly replaced by love and possibilities.
Most of all I want to be changed by Christ, to be transformed and hope I can help others to do the same. I want to believe in the impossible, that Christ can change me, change you, change us; that he can and does still heal, that he does inject pure joy into our lives if we let him, that he hears our prayers and miracles still are produced in our present and not just in our past through stories in scripture. I want to believe and others to believe with me, to pray and have others pray with me, to change and have others changed.
~ Daniel
Pic:
http://www.ebibleteacher.com/backgrnd/Potter.jpg
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