The Blog About Anxiety

I remember when I was a kid, not a care in the world. I remember going day by day, those days seemed to last forever. I felt happy. I had little worry; at least that is how it all seems in retrospect. I remember sometimes I wanted to grow up, figuring I would really enjoy being able to make all my own decisions. The truth is my lack of decision-making, while annoying at times, was what protecting me from the outside. So long as I was a child or teen, I was still protected from the larger world of the adult. Making no money, I had things provided and paid no bills. Having no car, I never had to worry about getting lost or getting in an accident.

The odd thing is I never thought I really had anxiety, yet as I have grown older I've had to fight against it as the year’s have progressed. Yes, I have learned to see the signs, to be aware, and work on fighting it; however, it is something that comes up, a feeling inside, intense and sudden, of a fear or worry, even if it is unfounded or unreasonable.

I have anxiety over driving, especially anywhere that is different or new. I have anxiety in a large crowd of people. I have anxiety that I will get into an accident or that someone will judge me based on something I say or that is taken in the wrong way. I am afraid of getting fired from my job, perhaps for doing something I didn’t even know or understand. I get anxious checking my mail, that I might get jury duty before my job benefits start. I get anxious that I will get something in the mail saying I owe more money, maybe my electric bill went up or my student loans decide to start charging me obscene amounts that I cannot afford.

I get anxious and worried that I will never find anyone to date or marry... and that because of this I will never be a father... Ever. I get anxious about being so far from family and friends, so the last few months I have tried not to think about the actual distance. I sometimes get anxious about my weight, though I am losing, sometimes I feel I am putting in so much effort and seeing very little or no results... and this anxiety makes me just want to forget being healthy and just eat horribly (Thank goodness I give in much less to that voice than I did a while back).

I get anxious that all my friends from the past will forget me or be bored with me. I get anxious because I want to talk to everyone, but talking takes energy because I talk all day to others at my job, so after work I really do not want to talk to anyone at all. I get anxious calling and talking to new people on the phone. I get anxious the first few times I try to initiate a friendship, and extremely nervous if I want to pursue someone in a relationship.

All of these things whirl around in my head... not all the time, but at times throughout the day or the week. I am pretty good at keeping it hidden, because anxiety, worry, and fear mean weakness... and when you are a male living on your own, weakness is not attractive, not to potential friends, mates, or anyone else. I have to shape up. Welcome to real world. The real world is tough. There is no crying in baseball and all that jazz

"A League of Their Own" movie reference anyone?

Sometimes I just want to get away from it all, to go somewhere quiet, where the noise goes down or is calm, where the birds sing sweetly, the trees rustle, and a stream of water is going in the distance. When my anxiety comes I think of that place, so much peace, I breathe in and out, remind myself that all these things I am doing are moving me forward as a person, making me better, stronger, and ultimately are helping me fulfill my purpose in glorifying God with my life. Those thoughts give me peace, give me rest, help me to relax and continue to persevere and push forward.

http://www.vacation-rental-hawaii.com/JadeLillyPad_files/8-river.jpg

What anxieties/worries/fears have you had in the past?

Which ones do you have today?

What are ways you cope?

What things bring you peace, rest, or hope?

~ Single Me

Does True Love Wait?

For those who grew up in the 90's and early 2000's (and even still today), you might remember a thing called "True Love Waits". I was thinking about this earlier today, still being single at 30, and how most of us in the church are taught how sexual intimacy between a man and women is for marriage. I also thought about how statically today people do not get married until their mid to late twenties. So, if you are 13-19, that means you are looking at roughly ten years of being pure and not having sex. It means having to control your urges, control lust, control your emotions, and stick with Christ. Right?

I would like to suggest that true love does not wait, true love takes action. No, I don’t mean sexual action. I am talking about not being passive with knowing another. Men are told to control urges and seek out women. Females are told to look pretty and wait on men. But is that the end of the story? Are we only meant to know one another in a sexual way? Is there no type of intimacy between males and female except having physical intimacy, controlling lust, or waiting endlessly for that emotional connection?

I believe teaching youth about true love could gain a lot by teaching them about what real friendship is between one another, not just male to male or female to female but male to female and female to male as well. Teaching males and females that they can be friends without always having to only think about lust, sex, or remaining pure.

But what about their hormones? But what are we teaching them? When we separate them we are teaching them that sex, intimacy, the opposite sex, and friendship is bad, evil, and horrible. We are also teaching our children that they cannot be trusted to control themselves, that they are forever at the whim of their hormones and emotions. I think this teaching and separation actually achieves the opposite of what was intended.

How would I change things? Looking back now after being single for so long, I would not just have married people teaching about purity in churches. Sure they can tell you how great it is to wait and reap the benefits; however, they cannot really relate to how it feels to wait, especially to wait for how long some of those teens are going to try/have to wait.

I would also teach the reality that some may fail but there is grace and forgiveness. This may seem like a free license to sin but it is not, instead it is trying to let them know that they can fall but try again. I think a lot of teenagers figure once they have had sex (lost their virginity), though they may regret it, why wait anymore. If the church talked more openly about this and allowed safe spaces for confession, it would go along way into letting teenagers and young adults know God loves them despite the fact that they fall.

Honestly, I would change the whole way these subjects are taught in church. Usually the males and females are separated. I would suggest the first session be separated but then ongoing sessions be switched between co-ed and segregated. I believe it would benefit boys and girls to hear from those who are single, those married, and also from one another. How was someone used in a relationship? What is going on with one another beyond their gender? What are their likes and dislikes? What I am proposing that instead of trying to control them from (not) having sex, you introduce them and have them become friends, or even better, brothers and sisters in Christ.

Being single I have gained so many sisters in the faith. I decided I could be friends with them. Not all have agreed to friendship but I think my life is more fulfilled having the input of those female friends who are in my life. Through these friendships I am able to connect, to go deep into life with females emotionally and spiritually in intimate ways without our relationship having to be solely based on a dating relationship, marriage, and physical attraction/intimacy.

So, I don’t think true love waits, I think it takes action. I think true love makes friendships with those of the opposite gender. I think that true love values the other gender as a whole person, not merely an object for physical or sexual gratification alone.

Lastly, I think true love takes action when you find someone and that connection is more than friendship and then you both choose to pursue the journey of going into a deeper relationship through dating, perhaps later marriage, and the intimacy to match that level of commitment.

~ Single Me

Cravings and Hunger

What really makes us hungry? Why at times are we content with what we eat and other times consumed with the idea to consume more and more? Before my move I had worked out for 1.5 years and had been eating really well. However, since this move my system has gone into some kind of consume food craze. I didn’t really feel I ate all that much while I was on the road, but yes... Most of it was junk food. There just isn’t a good way to eat healthy on the road. I think I did eat an apple one day, ha!

But the last few weeks have been really tough for me. I have been doing ok during the day but at night while sitting and watching Netflix, I've just been hungry and will go get something. I have also been going to get fast food about once a week. Now, I was at a place before the move that I didn’t even crave fast food. I guess that is once happen when you eat it again, you begin to crave it, and crave it in excess.

As far as being hungry at night, I know a lot of it has to do with boredom. When I am keeping myself busy, though working out or writing, I am usually not hungry... but I get still and then the craving comes (and it so difficult to sit with your stomach growling).

Hopefully, within one to three weeks my stomach will go back to being small again. Even though my working out is going well, anyone who knows about good health can tell you that if you eat poorly, you will never lose weight. You can exercise all day and night, but it all you eat is pizza, cheese, and pasta... well, you are not going to lose weight.

And I want to leave with a thought for us to ponder, for me and for you reading this. Why do we crave certain things? What makes us hungry for them? And finally, why do we so often not crave God the same way we crave food or relationships or video games or being entertained or a myriad of other things?

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
- Psalm 42:1-2

I do not think we really GET this verse.
At least I often think "I" at least do not fully GET this verse.

~ Single Me

New Job: Week One

Well, this last week has been really good. I am working at a hospital that is split between two places. Currently, I am training at the smaller campus and that is the place I am gong to be doing most of my ministry and work as Chaplain.

I think the first day on campus was the most difficult, just trying to take in so much information. Along with all the information is trying to understand spatially where I am at, as well as where everything is at on campus. By day three I pretty much had all the key places down.

I was excited that I got to see patients by day three. I was a little rusty but things were good. I have already had some more serious visits, which I really enjoy. I do the Morning Prayer and go to the morning meeting in intensive care on the mornings when I am scheduled to come in early.

I also went to a wonderful church this morning, thanks to a friend of a friend. I still have three more to go and visit, but I could really go back to the one I worshiped at today. The people were warm and inviting. In both Sunday school and the worship time someone came up, introduced themselves, and sat with me.

Well, that’s about it for this update I guess. I've been writing more lately to keep everyone updated, so the quality might be less than stellar. I think I do well with about a blog or two a month. When I do more than that, it just kind of seems blah to me.

Well, my first on-call happens tomorrow. So, hopefully it is calm night because I have to work the next day (just kind of the schedule here), but being a smaller hospital, calls aren’t really all that expected... so we will see.

~ Single Me

Adjusting to Buffalo

Well it finally happened. I finally cried this morning. I was fixing my bed frame last night and my back started to hurt. Sometimes that happens, but exercising has helped it to hurt a lot less lately. Well, I woke up at about 5:30 this morning, because well, that’s when the sun comes up here in the summer apparently. I started looking up automotive repair places online, cause well, my power steering fluid is leaking and I need a new pump. My back just kept hurting. Is it the new chair I bought? Maybe the new mattress set? I don’t know. I still need a haircut, to go by the DMV too. Then it all started to hit me.

I guess I made it longer before I cried here than any other move I have made so far. When I moved to college I had a roommate to talk to; however, when I moved to grad school, to my own apartment, and then to my residency... Well, I was living by myself. I can’t really explain how it feels to people who have never lived alone. Yes, it is great to have my own place... and I'm glad I don’t have roommates... but it is hard not having anyone I know here. I go through this every time I move. It isn’t just the adjusting to a new place, finding all the places you need to know and go to and get stuff done. For me it is the time it takes to find a new group of people around you.

As an introvert I do make friendships but it takes me time, so in a move it a while before I make friends and who knows if any will even be good or great or best friends. I have to keep reminding myself that not everything has to be done now. But its hard, I want to be comfortable. I want to have all my books in bookshelves and I want all my comfy furniture now. I don’t want to wait. I feel like I am in a state of Limbo. I guess I want to nest, which includes furniture, having stuff in order, finding friends, getting use to my job, and finding a church here.

I guess this morning it all kind caught up and hit me. On the other hand, it has taken me about a week before this hit me. Usually, it only takes me one or two nights, so I guess I am improving over time and all the moves I have had to do in the past. Actually, even typing this out is now making me feel better. Maybe today I will just get a haircut and go see Superman (if there are any tickets).

Maybe I will worry about my power steering pump and the DMV later. As far as my mattress is concerned, for now I’m putting my air mattress on top of my new one. I think I am going to have to go to a mattress store and get a thicker mattress. I think that will help since I am a little bigger and have back problems sometimes. I don’t think the cheap and thin mattress I got is going to cut it for me.

So, here is an update. People have been asking me and I've just been preoccupied with getting stuff done or trying to relax. Good thing is I have been eating better and exercising again. The bad thing is I can’t seem to do both of those in the same day, ha ha. I will get back to it again soon. I really want to lose the weight. Ok, so that is my update. Not as engaging a read as the last one but oh well, writing is like that sometimes.

~ Single Me

Almost to Buffalo

There is an odd feeling your last week of work. Your last day. The last few hours. You look around and feel as if everything is old, as if you have already moved beyond your surroundings but are going through the motions and waiting for the new thing to actually take place, to finally come to fruition.

On the eve of moving, to a new place and job, doubts always enter my mind. I wonder if my apartment will really be there. I wonder if my position will be cancelled and I will be totally and utterly confused and robbed of all that time and money.

I think about all the possibilities, all the wonder and new things. Some of them excite me but some of them honestly frighten me. I sometimes feel like a scared little boy. I feel small and out of place in the big world, in this big system in which I am only one small person trying to conquer and make it on his own.

Other times I feel large. I feel as if I am taking on something so large, and in doing so, I am becoming something larger as well, something greater myself. Perhaps, someone greater than myself. That with each step, each taking of a new risk, I am learning more, becoming more than I was and more of what I hope to be in the future.

I am on a journey, and don't most journeys have good and bad, excitement and fear? All of my feelings are all jumbled up. Yet, I can't always be feeling because I have to think, have to plan, to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible to save myself any grief, to make this a hopefully enjoyable experience.

I haven't been sleeping as well or working out as much lately. I have been packing, fixing my car, and getting my apartment cleaned for the move. In four days and I am out of my current apartment. In five days from this town. It is all so new. All so different. Buffalo is so many miles away from everything and everyone I have ever known. I can't imagine what missionaries go through leaving the country. At least I will still be in the states and speaking English.

I know this was the right decision, but with my personality as an introvert this change will take some time to adjust to, as all changes take time for myself. However, God has blessed me and I have grown more as I have taken every step the last few years. I am glad I made this choice and am making this move, but it doesn't mean I am 100% comfortable.

Something I have learned about God and Faith is that you don't grow when you are comfortable, you either become stagnant or regress. However, when we are challenged, when we take risks, when we push further than ourselves, than the people we are currently (or were in the past) and more-so into the person we wish to become... Well, that is the place where radical shifts in growth and in our thought process take place.

So, to those who know me personally, please pray. Pray that He who started a good work in me is faithful to complete it... and that I will continue to work hard and challenge myself, not only for Christ and His Kingdom but also to grow myself personally and professionally.

I also pray for those of you who are reading this and pondering what God has for you next. Ponder no longer.

You know that thing that makes you uncomfortable, that idea that makes you squirm? You know those types of people you don't like too much? You know that thing that you want to do yet keep putting off? Well, odds are that is where God is working in you and you are holding yourself and your potential back.

I pray you push forward. I pray you become uncomfortable. Perhaps if we were more uncomfortable there would be less poverty and war. Perhaps if we were uncomfortable, we would ask people to put down their smart phones and talk to us one-on-one over a cup of coffee.

Blessings to you my friends and readers, single and married alike.
May you follow God with all your heart, soul, and mind..
And may you love your neighbor as yourself

Single Me

Men Who Cheat And Neglect

There is something I have wanted to write about for a while now, except I really could not find the words to express my discontent. For years now I have watched as female friends, close and acquaintances, have men treat them poorly. My guess is in the beginning these men charm them, spending their time and money, making females feel loved and worthwhile. However, as the relationship moves on in time, they begin to show their selfish intent and needs, whether it is merely desiring someone to have sex, do chores, or raise the children.

These men seem to be very individualistic and I cannot express how much it frustrates, annoys, and angers me that they would throw away a good relationship, relationships with such beautiful, enjoyable, intellectually stimulating, and humorous females. Here are the two main ways I see these men messing up their lives, relationships, and marriages.

(1) Cheating: From what I understand, men who cheat have a tendency to go on in an affair until they are caught. My understanding in this is that problems existed in the relationship and instead of working on good communication, trying to work on compromises and solutions, these men decide to look elsewhere for fresh meat. They are enamored with the idea of a new woman and new relationship. To quote a movie I watched once, "All new things eventually become old". Let that truth sink in a moment... The truth is these men will never be satisfied and the sad thing is they do not know this and neither do the females to whom they date or show affection.

As a single person, it really aggravates me that some men are not satisfied with one relationship but have to go looking for more and more. Yes, people have problems, but cheating will only make things worse, much worse, and unless both people get counseling (Together for couples counseling OR the man for why he cheats and the female for why she falls for such men) nothing will be resolved and the cycle is likely to continue.

(2) Neglect: Can I just say, men, I know some of you like video games, but when you spend so much time playing video games that you neglect your wife. I mean.. Are you kidding me? Do you really prefer a video game to your wife? I have known and seen some of your wives and there is no way I would neglect them for video games. You want challenge in your life? Try a real life challenge of being in a loving and challenging relationship with your wife, where you push one another to be better people. Try a relationship where you and your wife share interests and expand your life, becoming well-rounded individuals.

I know it is not only video games, sometimes it is work. If you have a work that requires you to work so much you are not at home and can be with your wife or kids (or are to exhausted to be with them) you need to look for another job. Yes, short-term this will make you very busy, but your family will appreciate that you are now busy trying to make more space and time for your relationships into the future, that you treasure and value your family, not merely seeing them as wall paintings in your home as you pass by each morning and night.

I know in the ministry this is a big one, because churches many times overwork their ministers. Sit down with your church and let them know you need boundaries for your family and your own sake. If you get fired for not being available, you might state at your resignation or firing that you would not neglect your family for your work, even if it was God's work.

Finally, if you would rather be working than be at home with your significant other, that is a whole other issue. It would be good to actually go home, work on better communication, and perhaps seek counseling as well.

I know I am a single guy saying these things and some men may say I don’t understand. I do understand relationships are complex and can become increasingly complicated over time. However, what I can say is that I hear the crying and hurting and yearning of females I know for men to truly be men, not because they are muscular or like sports or enjoy hunting, but because they know how to make commitments, take responsibility, and be a good boyfriend, fiance, or husband.

~ Daniel